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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend demanded my honest opinion re her child's diet.

180 replies

Eastie77Returns · 29/11/2023 10:18

My friend's child is just under a year old. She mentioned to me that he eats several pre-prepared pouches (Ella's Kitchen, pureed fruits) a day. On an average day she might give him 3-4. She asked me if I thought that was excessive as her MIL has been highly critical and also said she should cook everything from scratch for a child of that age.

Inwardly I partially agreed with her MIL. I don't think everything needs to be cooked from scratch (who has the time?!) but 4 pouches seems a lot. However I remember the stress of bringing up young DC and didn't want to pile on so I just replied that as long as her DC is happy, fed and gets a variety of food it is fine. Friend replied "you didn't really answer the question...do you think that's too many pouches" and insisted I give her an honest answer. In the end I said yes, it seems quite high if it's that amount every day. She was then clearly upset and things have been really strained between us since.

I mean, I don't get it. In the grand scheme of things it's really not that important - the pouches are not poison - but if you want honest feedback on what you are feeding your child then surely just accept the opinon when it's given? If you don't like what you hear then ok, just move on.

OP posts:
PixiKitKat · 29/11/2023 10:21

When she asked if it's too many pouches, is her plan to just reduce pouches or reduce pouches and introduce some regular food? Shouldn't one year olds be trying solid foods?

Sorry, to me it sounds like she is feeding a cat if it's only pouches.

Heronwatcher · 29/11/2023 10:22

No YWNBU, she asked for an opinion twice and you gave it. I’ve nothing against pouches generally (apart from the fact that the hot food ones make me properly boke) but 3/4 fruit ones a day is too much. Unless she’s brushing the child’s teeth 3/4 times a day too they will end up with terrible tooth decay if this continues.

hydriotaphia · 29/11/2023 10:30

YANBU, pouches are ok for a meal on the go but I agree a one year old should be getting some solid food every day. However, I'd give her a break. She is just feeling sad and guilty because she feels she has not done her best for her child. Yes, ideally she would deal with it more graciously but ultimately she's angry at herself not you.

PeppermintPorpoise · 29/11/2023 10:33

YANBU. She asked and it sounds like you were as diplomatic about it as possible. Your answer was correct too and she needs to hear it.

NotExactlySuits · 29/11/2023 10:36

We loved pouches and used them loads. Absolute godsend. But presumably he's also having finger foods like toast etc? And trying little bits her dinner like a piece of chicken or potato, that sort of thing?

BarbaraofSeville · 29/11/2023 10:45

That sort of thing is usually really expensive for what you get so unless you're so time poor that you can't batch puree and freeze and have sufficient disposable income to throw money at the problem, it's not the best way really. Plus single use plastic and all that.

That's my honest opinion.

Flamingogirl08 · 29/11/2023 10:53

I used some pouches early on but by 1 my DD wouldn't have been satisfied with them. She's 18 months now and pretty much feeds herself everything. She would have a fit if I tried to give her a pouch for her tea 🤣.

She asked and you answered. YANBU

TimetoPour · 29/11/2023 10:56

YANBU
She asked for an honest opinion and you gave it. I’m inclined to agree with you. By 1 year I would expect them to be on regular food rather than smooth purées. Not only are the pouches expensive, sucking/chewing etc helps build stronger facial muscles to help with speech development.

caringcarer · 29/11/2023 10:58

PixiKitKat · 29/11/2023 10:21

When she asked if it's too many pouches, is her plan to just reduce pouches or reduce pouches and introduce some regular food? Shouldn't one year olds be trying solid foods?

Sorry, to me it sounds like she is feeding a cat if it's only pouches.

🤣🤣🤣

TimetoPour · 29/11/2023 11:00

Maybe give her a shout and let her know you aren’t judging her and listen to why she is giving so many pouches. Is it lack of time, does the child kick off etc. She could be struggling and probably feels bad- like everyone has been whispering behind her back.

Gowlett · 29/11/2023 11:01

Well she asked… I found the pouches handy for mixing in with other food, like using them as a sauce with rice or pasta. If I had nothing else made. Also, the juice pouches were good to move things along (stuck poop) if DS wasn’t eating his fruit. They have a place, but not 4 x times a day.

FloweryName · 29/11/2023 11:01

She shouldn’t have asked the question if she didn’t want to hear your answer. You did the right thing by not validating her laziness.

IncompleteSenten · 29/11/2023 11:05

I hate it when people do that.
I've learned the hard way that often they insist they want your opinion when what they really want is your reassurance.

You could try doing what I now do and saying something along the lines of you seem upset about x/y/z, are you sure you want my opinion or would you prefer to talk about how you're feeling.

Or for some very annoying repeat offenders I've started saying look, just tell me what you want my opinion to be and I'll say it because I'm not doing this shit again.

Sometimes the question someone insists they're asking is not the question they're asking even when they insist it is the question they're asking and demand you answer it, iyswim.

Howtohelp1990087612u · 29/11/2023 11:05

Can't she give porridge or weetabix for breakfast to eliminate a pouch? Then simple stuff like scrambled egg and some fruit/yogurt at lunch time? Maybe she just needs some advice....or some inspiration 😄. I have a one year old and some days snacks aren't the healthiest in the world- quavers and a banana! We all have off days but regularly giving 4 pouches I'd say is too much x

Workawayxx · 29/11/2023 11:05

YANBU for being honest - she did ask and then pushed for an answer. As you mention that the pouches are fruit, are they in addition to other meals? You could suggest she gives whole fruit, yoghurt, cheese, breadsticks for snacks/puddings instead? If they are as snacks/puddings rather than all the baby is being fed, I don't think it matters too much though.

Deliaskis · 29/11/2023 11:09

I suppose the thing is you think she wanted honest feedback, and yes on the face of it she asked for it, but really that isn't what she wanted at all. She wanted reassurance that she isn't a terrible parent, and that she's doing OK. And now you are just in the MIL camp and friend feels everybody is against her.

If you want to build bridges I would talk to her and say you're sorry if it upset her, you've reflected and realise that the thing that's so hard with young children is that they're all so different, and what works for one doesn't work for another, and comparing is often unhelpful. I would ask how she feels about her DC's diet, is she worried about the pouches, why does she use them, has she tried introducing other foods, what happened? If she really asks what you think she should do I would say it would be good at this point to start moving towards a more varied diet over time, some finger food, a few home made dishes etc, but ultimately don't put pressure on herself, there's no need to take away the pouches, sometimes these things take time, but they pretty much always end up being fine.

MadMadamMimz · 29/11/2023 11:16

More than anything this must be getting expensive for her.

If she is time-poor there are some very easy fixes to reduce the reliance on pouches - yoghurt (I buy a 500g pot that will last a couple of days), bananas, wheatabix etc, ready made scotch pancakes etc.

Once she starts this then it takes no time at all to buy a bag of carrots and parsnips and boil them, purée and freeze.

Beautiful3 · 29/11/2023 11:26

Yes I agree, people are weird. They ask for your opinion, push you for it, then get inwardly angry because they don't like it. Who gives their kid 4 pouches a day?! I used those for travelling/on the go meal. Never did I use them as spart of a staple diet! Why can't the child eat their food? Even if they give it plain, before the sauces get added? Seems weird and yes as if they're feeding a cat!!!

Formel · 29/11/2023 11:39

Four fruit pouches a day?! I'm just impressed with her son's constitution, most children would be shitting themselves inside out after that much.

Mariposista · 29/11/2023 11:51

Oh the classic. Ask for opinion, INSIST on honest opinion, sulks when she doesn’t like the answer.

You did nothing wrong OP. Is she very young? Or just immature?

Deathwillbebutapause · 29/11/2023 11:56

I'd have just said, "It doesn't matter what I or anything else thinks! You need to get out of the mindset of justifying yourself to other people. You're a fantastic mum and you have to back yourself to do what is right for your baby. Look how healthy and loved she is."

If pressed again I would have said I didn't give a flying fuck.

Leah5678 · 29/11/2023 11:59

She is being unreasonable. She asked for your honest opinion and then sulked when you gave it? She can fuck off

Rosiiee · 29/11/2023 12:03

I went through a phase a few months ago of giving my then 18 months old a LOT of pouches. It was the only way to get anything into him. He’s thankfully come a long way with food but your friend’s toddler could be going through a fussy phase so if pouches are what works, then it’s what works and at least she’s getting fed. That’s what I’d tell the mum 😊 parenting is tough!

Frasers · 29/11/2023 12:04

You didn’t say what else the child eats?

MrsSunshine2b · 29/11/2023 12:06

I'd let the friendship go. It's one thing to choose to give your baby a horrible diet, it's another to try to railroad people into validating your poor choices.