Friend demanded my honest opinion re her child's diet.

[Eastie77Returns]

My friend's child is just under a year old. She mentioned to me that he eats several pre-prepared pouches (Ella's Kitchen, pureed fruits) a day. On an average day she might give him 3-4. She asked me if I thought that was excessive as her MIL has been highly critical and also said she should cook everything from scratch for a child of that age.

Inwardly I partially agreed with her MIL. I don't think everything needs to be cooked from scratch (who has the time?!) but 4 pouches seems a lot. However I remember the stress of bringing up young DC and didn't want to pile on so I just replied that as long as her DC is happy, fed and gets a variety of food it is fine. Friend replied "you didn't really answer the question...do you think that's too many pouches" and insisted I give her an honest answer. In the end I said yes, it seems quite high if it's that amount every day. She was then clearly upset and things have been really strained between us since.

I mean, I don't get it. In the grand scheme of things it's really not that important - the pouches are not poison - but if you want honest feedback on what you are feeding your child then surely just accept the opinon when it's given? If you don't like what you hear then ok, just move on.

I used to get grief for not giving pouches!

I would imagine that she has more going on than she has let on. Call her and see if she wants to meet up.

Just give it a quick Google.

https://www.dentalhealth.org/blog/sugar-levels-in-baby-food

https://babease.co/blogs/weaning-advice/sugar-content-in-baby-food

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/baby-food-pouches-sugar-dentists-b2118749.html

They are not comparable to freshly prepared, homemade food at all. They are designed to be highly palatable and so veggies and fruits with higher sugar contents are chosen. They have way more sugar than the homade comparison and the fruit pouches more concentrated than fresh fruit. The end product isn’t as nutritious as the nutrients are lost in the end product by methods used to prepare and process of the food.

Like everything they’re fine in moderation but 3-4 pouches a day is excessive.

as delboy once said

why ask?

i dont get people like this they hound you for an opnion then get sulky when they dont like the answer

I don't think you could have won there OP. It's the sort of question that I tend to throw back if at all possible. It sounds like you think you are using too many pouches at least then you have a better idea what the questioner believes.

The pouches are a mix of meals and fruit. For example an Ella's Kitchen Spaghetti Bolognese, Macaroni Cheese and then a couple of fruit ones like pureed strawberries, apples. I think the 'meals' are puree as well? I can't remember - it's been a decade since I last bought pouches!

The MIL's comment is basically: you can make all of that yourself, why spend money on it - it's all expensive mush. And an underlying tone of "you are too lazy to feed your child properly".

Friend was upset as she is very busy and doesn't have a lot of time to cook etc. I do get it to an extent and I would never have commented on any of this if she hadn't asked. I have in the past suggested basic bits we introduced to DD at the same age - Avocado, Sweet Potato, Chicken etc. She said he is fussy, didn't like those things and also if you introduce too many solids at once you won't know what is causing allergies(!).

Aside from that she said he has Weetabix or Cornmeal Porridge for breakfast and some finger foods throughout the day and it all seems balanced to her.

Ok well then fine, why ask me for an opinion. I'm not a nutrionist!

@PixiKitKat I'm still laughing at the cat comment😂😂

This! It’s so, so bad that the baby food manufacturers are allowed to promote this stuff as being super healthy. It’s not. Some of the pouches are fine occasionally but they should not make up the majority of any baby or toddler’s diet. I know many parents use them, and don’t get me wrong, I have in the past, occasionally, but they are not great. Most of the savoury ones don’t contain enough protein and no vitamins really, and the fruit ones remove all the fibre and you’re just left with basically a pouch of sweet gloop. Don’t get me started on baby/toddler snacks you can buy. Again, I am not perfect, but these are the biggest marketing ploy ever, not great for kids and cost a fortune.

She's probs just annoyed at herself rather than annoyed at you. Can you clear the air and ask her how she feels?

I think some people use them as they don’t have much confidence in cooking for baby or worry about lumpy food etc. She needs to mix it up a bit at a year old

However I agree with PP that she is probably feeling very judged by MIL and could do with some support. Tricky one.

I don't think that's great, to be honest. I'm no child development expert (as my forthcoming remarks are about to prove), but aren't babies of that age supposed to get solid food to help them learn to chew and digest it? The purees don't have that.

I’m biased perhaps as I work with children and have done babies for 50% of my working life, but I resent the idea of ‘who has the time’ when it comes to feeding babies. They are infant children. It takes no time at all to cut up some veg, stew them and blitz in a blender. Takes about 20 minutes once a week to get your child proper nutrients. Yes, pouches are great for on the go or in a pinch. But there’s no excuse to exclusively feed pouches.

At one they can eat almost anything that you can eat as an adult too. They dont need purees.

I suppose the thing is you think she wanted honest feedback, and yes on the face of it she asked for it, but really that isn't what she wanted at all. She wanted reassurance that she isn't a terrible parent, and that she's doing OK. And now you are just in the MIL camp and friend feels everybody is against her

Absolutely this. It's emotionally draining feeling like you can't do right for doing wrong.

The MIL's comment is basically: you can make all of that yourself, why spend money on it - it's all expensive mush. And an underlying tone of "you are too lazy to feed your child properly".Friend was upset as she is very busy and doesn't have a lot of time to cook etc

Yeah, I can see why she's upset with you. Deep down she knows she's doing okay; she just needed some external validation. I hope she has more supportive friends.

I was petrified of DD choking so I do understand the fear of chewy solids.

DS was our second, neglected child and we were nowhere near as cautious. I think he might have self weaned on chips from my plate at 6mo.

So I really don't judge what people feed their kids but the articles posted by @PullUpPrince are truly scary..

People who ask for honest opinions almost always only want them, if they’re what they want to hear.
Ditto people asking for advice.

Two things I’ve learned over my many decades on this earth.

I literally responded with external validation and said "that sounds fine".

She then kept probing for a different response. So eventually I gave it to her. If she knew she was doing ok I don't know why she kept asking. It doesn't make sense.

What else do you think I should have done?

It takes no time at all to cut up some veg, stew them and blitz in a blender.

That's assuming that people eat nutritious food themselves or have it in the house. A lot of people don't cook and just heat food up.

I bought a blender when DD1 was a baby, I'd never used one before, and I did regularly cook our meals from scratch.

First thing I did was try and blend some avocado. Wondered why it had lots of plastic bits in it. Because I hadn't taken the blade cover off first. I remember trying to read an Annabel Karmel book and finding it all rather complicated and time consuming.

Jars of baby food were probably safer.

I don't think it's too bad if there are a variety of things being given - from the OP you would think it was fruit pouches only. But I would encourage her to give as much normal food as possible. DD1 in particularly didn't have teeth until quite late on and couldn't sit up until she was nine months but she could still manage things like cottage pie and fingers of toast and so on by 12 months and soon after was eating just the same stuff as us so I must have done something right.

I'm not sure why she asked if she didn't want your honest answer. If you say the negatives (cost, packaging waste, lack of lumps, etc), it doesn't mean you're judging her for using them as they are convenient particularly when out. I tend to avoid anything labelled for babies or children anyway, so much is ultra processed, I just mush up whatever we eat.

Exactly. Even less time to just mush your own food. Babies don't need special food. And if what you're eating as parents isn't suitable, maybe time to change your diet to be healthier.

Friend was upset as she is very busy and doesn't have a lot of time to cook etc.

What does she eat herself? Why can't the child eat the same, minus salt and mashed up?

No you’re not wrong, and she’s not feeding him properly. Even if you do traditional weaning with puree/mush, and almost one year old shouldn’t still be having any of that. He should be eating proper meals now. I get the lack of time, I’ve got a 3yo and a 10mo and ADHD and no concept of time, I’ve never fed either of them a prepared pouch - though I appreciate that might be the extreme end and I know pouches serve a purpose for many.

But - no one likes feeling like they’re being criticised for their choices, especially when it comes to our kids. I’d guess she isn’t feeling as fine with the situation as she says but is feeling stuck and not sure how to improve things. Feeding children can feel like a full time job sometimes, I feel like I’m meal planning/food shopping/cooking constantly, but eating well is non negotiable for me (even if it feels so to my toddler!)

I find people like this absolutely draining.

She asked, you answered- sounds fine - and she INSISTED!

Why should you lie because she’s sensitive whilst still probing.

You either want an honest answer or we can stop at it’s fine.

@roses2 no need for mashed up either. A nearly 1yo should be able to eat exactly what the adults are minus a couple of adjustment.

Yeh you sound judgemental and not a supportive friend. Not surprised your friend needs some distance- not what she needs in her life right now.

those pouches are just puréed fruit. What is the issue? Is the concern too much sugar?

You obviously weren’t remotely convincing in your first reply. And what you should have done was continue to say something supportive. Not express your judgement of her as a mother for doing something as innocuous as feeding her child pureed fruit 🙄