Friend demanded my honest opinion re her child's diet.

[Eastie77Returns]

My friend's child is just under a year old. She mentioned to me that he eats several pre-prepared pouches (Ella's Kitchen, pureed fruits) a day. On an average day she might give him 3-4. She asked me if I thought that was excessive as her MIL has been highly critical and also said she should cook everything from scratch for a child of that age.

Inwardly I partially agreed with her MIL. I don't think everything needs to be cooked from scratch (who has the time?!) but 4 pouches seems a lot. However I remember the stress of bringing up young DC and didn't want to pile on so I just replied that as long as her DC is happy, fed and gets a variety of food it is fine. Friend replied "you didn't really answer the question...do you think that's too many pouches" and insisted I give her an honest answer. In the end I said yes, it seems quite high if it's that amount every day. She was then clearly upset and things have been really strained between us since.

I mean, I don't get it. In the grand scheme of things it's really not that important - the pouches are not poison - but if you want honest feedback on what you are feeding your child then surely just accept the opinon when it's given? If you don't like what you hear then ok, just move on.

Most likely she isn't cross with you op she is annoyed with herself and feeling guilty. If she is a good friend your relationship will survive this.

@Tandora so OP should have just lied?

Your friend's child is the same age as mine and we use the Ella's Kitchen meal trays a few times a week if I know he doesn't like what we're eating for dinner or if we're having a takeaway after he's gone to bed. He hasn't had any of the fruit pouches in months now.

It can be tricky rushing out of work, rushing to get baby from nursery and then having to think about dinner so I understand. 3-4 a day at that age is a high amount though, especially if you are talking about actual baby food and not the toddler trays which obviously still aren't as healthy as fresh from scratch food but would be a bit more appropriate for their age.

if you’re having judgy thoughts about a friend on an innocuous topic - we all do- better to not share them , yes. This is basic social skills, and basic rule book for being a good friend.
I’m sure OP could have come up with something supportive to say without violating her sense of integrity.

Never give your honest opinion outright when it comes to other peoples kids or partners. They might think they want to hear it but they don't. It will always come back to bite you in the bum.

Nah true friends are honest with eachother, especially when someone asks a specific question and then pesters for an answer.

She was looking for approval. She made you give your opinion, even when you clearly avoided “that’s not an answer”.
Her problem.
(yes 4 a day is definitely a lot imo. I’d normally not give any, maybe one if it’s pure fruit/yoghurt and I’m out n about).

Ok, well that’s a bit different OP, it sounded like it was all fruit! I still think you are being a bit unreasonable to say she needs to cook and blitz it. That’s exactly what an Ella pouch is!! So what’s the difference?

• Organic Tomatoes 37%, Organic Cooked Pasta 18% (Water, Organic Pasta (Organic Durum Wheat, Organic Dried Egg Whites)), Organic Beef 11%, Organic Carrots 10%, Organic Vegetable Stock 7% (Water and Organic Vegetables: Onions, Carrots, Parships, Leeks, Swedes), Organic Broccoli 6%, Organic Onions 5%, Organic Mushrooms 4%, Organic Cheddar Cheese (Milk) 2%, Organic Mixed Herbs <1% (Thyme, Parsley, Sage, Oregano), Organic Garlic <1%, Organic Black Pepper <1%, Other Stuff 0%

That’s what’s in an Ella pouch. They have them for older children where it’s not so cut up, but proper chunks of food. I can’t see anything on that list that I wouldn’t cook for my child?

We used the pouches sometimes when they were younger to try a variety of foods and reduce the waste of cooking loads of things to then be thrown on the floor. Obviously things like omelettes etc we would give them, but we love very spicy food and would eat later so I would be cooking two meals anyway. I wouldn’t give four pouches a day, just useful when out sometimes.

But, I don’t think they are fundamentally different to something I would make from scratch at home.

Maybe she just needs help, being shown or advice to eliminate pouches. I hated the whole weaning process with both DC, I didn't feel confident in what I was doing and I used pouches and jars both times although maybe somewhat less with DC2.

Really wholeheartedly disagree - this is a really basic/ blunt take and lacking an understanding of the subtleties of human psychologies, social interactions and friendships.

Yes on some topics , blunt honesty from a friend can be invaluable, even when it hurts - the really serious stuff - but we are talking about mashed fruit here.
OP’s friend was looking for reassurance and support that she’s not a crappy mother- we all need this at times- OP’s role as a friend was to provide that reassurance, and she clearly did a really crappy job, hence friend’s need to push her and now her upset.

In answer to the actual question she asked I doubt 3 pouches a day exceeds the feeding guideline. That’s only one per meal for a one year old. As someone has said they come in different stages. I don’t think you really should have commented on whether you think she should cook it herself. Perhaps her child won’t eat anything else?

Also, if she asked you twice and you told her what you thought and now she's got the hump, that's her problem. If she doesn't like what she heard, my advice is don't ask.

I'd say she is more annoying than her mil. Her mil didn't actually say anything untrue and if you don't want to hear someone's opinion then don't probe them. I used fruit pouches for my eldest for a long time as she simply wouldn't eat fruit and it was a eat of getting it in to her. I recognised it wasn't ideal and tried again (introduced and pereservered) with ds who loves fruit and would eat it in abundance and still does. My 3rd child would eat a baby food pouch if out and about when she was little, she's 2 now and eats whatever we do but is the least fussy of the 3.

If her child is struggling with their teeth or fussy then she'll be doing whatever she can to get them to eat. Fair enough (I've done the same) but you've got to have the courage of your convictions when it comes to the decisions you make, not getting in a hump because someone thinks differently. That being said if you are too busy to cook then you need to take a look at your lifestyle and make adjustments because what you feed your child should be a priority.

I agree with @Deliaskis

Go around with a good will token (plant, chocs, etc) and have a chat.

Focus on how MIL's criticism made her feel.

If she has taken it all to heart and if she's only feeding the baby pouches, she may be struggling.

My little one is 7 months and I think a lot of the problem with weaning is that a lot of the information online and the information you get from health visitors is so overwhelming! Firstly, there is a lot of pressure from other Mums and online to do baby led weaning. I found I just wasn't confident or comfortable with it. However, I found my son even with the spoon feeding approach had moved on from purees to mashed up food within a couple of weeks and now happily, with support, likes to feed himself with his spoon. Also, a lot of the recipes aimed at babies are just really over complicated. I think a lot of parents lose confidence quickly and turn to the pouches in a panic. In reality all babies need is simple, unprocessed food. My son has quaker oats in the morning with pouched apple or pear. My favourite go to for lunch is scrambled egg with veggies or a jacket potato with cheese and broccoli. For dinner I will normally just cook something like chicken, potatoes and veg for the whole family and my son will just have his mashed up and I will support him to use his spoon. Your friend, like a lot of parents, probably feels a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. However, I'm not one of those people who is anti pouches either. I will use them if we are out and about but at home I prefer cooked food because that way my son can experience more texture.

I think you've confused my responses with some of the other posters. I didn't mention anything about blitzing etc. I just said when pushed that 3-4 a day is a lot. That's anything up to 28 pouches a week.

I can't see anything terrible about the ingredients for that pouch but I wouldn't serve it up every single day to a 1 year old. A that age they need to get used to textures and chewing.

In times past I've suggested she just gives her DS whatever the rest of the family is eating, a bit of mashed potato, chopped meat, veg. It's easier, cheaper and absolutely zero need to blitz anything. She doesn't want to for various reasons.

You answered the question she asked . I regret using pouches and I didn’t use many . My DS 13 is a terrible eater , really fussy . Looking back they were all sweet .

Right! How will I know I’m messing up or could simply do something better if no one is honest with me? I find it hard to trust people who pussyfoot around everything or tell you one thing and mean another.

It may upset me at the time, but I appreciate it.

She's your friend. Surely you knew how she would react? I have some friends and family members that I could happily tell them I thought it was too many pouches. There are others, that I wouldn't.
Either you misjudged it or you knew it would upset her but thought your 'truth' was more important.
Considering you don't really care about pouch-gate, you went for the wrong option.

Agree.

It strikes me she may have financial troubles too - I know when my older DCs were weaning, the sight of expensive berries and lovingly cut up organic cheese and cage free scrambled eggs tossed to the floor made me wince.

I bought what I knew they would eat, and that was the glop in the jars. They had their little spoons and bowls - I warmed it up for them and they tucked in. They survived. It's not poison.

My youngest DC would only eat a very limited diet of baby oatmeal and mashed potatoes. I bought boxes of instant mash for her, and gradually introduced grated cheese and peas. You do what you have to.

@mathanxiety exactly, I've got a healthy 7 year old now who pretty much eats everything, looking back it's not worth getting in a flap about it but admittedly I did used to feel secretly ashamed about using the jars and pouches and it was ridiculous, they grow up so fast.

@Eastie77Returns
What are the reasons she doesn't want to give mashed up family food to the baby?

OCD can rear its ugly head in the post partum period and make feeding a baby very difficult. Some people have intrusive thoughts about harming a baby with mashed up family meals - fears of contamination, salt poisoning, choking - and some can't stand the mess a weaning baby makes, or the playing with food, the constant need to hose down the baby and the high chair, and the ruining of clothes and flooring.

Always bemuses me that people will trust heavily processed cows milk for their newborns, which is ok for babies and turn their noses up at processed baby food, which is also ok for babies. Amazing that people dont make their babies food from scratch from the off really.

OP there’s a difference between your personal opinion on the best way to feed a toddler and what is actually harmful to them.

She asked, you answered. You weren’t wrong. 1 year olds have teeth and they like using them. Mine were on blander chopped up versions of whatever we were having by that age, and they fed themselves with their fists. I thought I was a lazy parent but it turned out I was doing baby led weaning. Talk to your friend - I wonder if this is symptom of her not coping. Pouches are an expensive way to feed a child and it’s possible that she is feeding them to him because she can’t cook/doesn’t know what to cook/has her own food issues.