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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
Whattodonexts · 29/11/2023 10:07

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:41

Some if you are spectacularly twisting my words. I have already stated that I am grateful for the work dh does.
However, I am not sitting on my arse all day doing sod all.
I am off now to look after my mum. And no, that doesn’t make me a saint, just someone trying her best in a shit situation whilst surviving on little sleep.

Based on your whole situation and everything you've said I don't think YABU. I think the cost of heating the caravan for a few hours won't be much (can it be set on a timer?) And it sounds nice and comfy. I think the bit about his car being on the road is nonsense. I think he needs to at least try this option or stop doing these shifts - and you need to be prepared to miss out on the money if that's the case.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2023 10:07

Bloody hell the poor bloke! He’s out in the worst weather earning extra money for his family and you want to kick him out of his own bed.

why don’t you - and/ or the dog - go and sleep in the lovely caravan?

and I agree. Sort the dog out. I bet your neighbours love you! 🙄

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2023 10:10

Ah it’s one of those threads!

OP: AIBU?
MN: YES
OP: but…
MN: sorry, still U
OP: you’re all wrong and mean and dont Understand <flounce>

Depdawg · 29/11/2023 10:10

Thats right OP, train your dog to do the opposite of what he is built to do.
Tell him not to bark when somebody
Comes through the door.

Hbh17 · 29/11/2023 10:10

This poor man! Obvious answer is to put the dog in the caravan, tbh.

Whinge · 29/11/2023 10:10

I think he needs to at least try this option or stop doing these shifts - and you need to be prepared to miss out on the money if that's the case.

Why does the DH need to try the caravan when it's the dog who is waking the children, and the OP is a light sleeper.

It makes far more sense for the OP to sleep in the caravan with the dog.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 29/11/2023 10:11

You and the dog in the caravan, everyone else in usual beds. Its the dog that is the problem with the barking.

and also you need to find ways to get back to sleep (that is a you problem)

Birdcar · 29/11/2023 10:12

Get ear plugs and an eye mask for yourself. That's you sorted.

You can't seriously expect your husband to sleep in a caravan so as not to disturb the dog. If you can't sort the dog issue then the dog has to go.

Mikimoto · 29/11/2023 10:13

So he's doing double shifts in the freezing cold at 2am for overtime to help with the cost of living...and you want him to sleep alone in a caravan because your dog barks?

Some people, seriously...

If you and the dog sleep in the caravan, it's win-win for everyone, right?!

Whattodo112222 · 29/11/2023 10:13

Sorry but take the dog away then the only issue is your light sleeping which isn't his issue.

He's going out to graft not having a jolly. I think you and dog should go in the caravan.

UnctuousUnicorns · 29/11/2023 10:14

saraclara · 29/11/2023 09:42

Presumably the nights that he's gritting are the coldest of the year. You have more faith in your caravan being warm enough than I do! Presumably you'd need to leave the heater on all night for it to be warm enough when he gets home.

Edited

I'm presuming the OP has a modern caravan like our own, with grade 4 insulation. We've stayed in ours in minus 5 degrees and been perfectly toasty. You can set the heating to come on on a timer - ours has three separate programmable schedules a day. Being a small space it heats up pretty quickly. Still expensive to heat, though, on gas or hook up.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 29/11/2023 10:15

Rehome the dog, is the probable solution, although I suppose you won't wish to. There's no point earning extra money overnight then spending it to heat a caravan, in any case.

Dumbndumber · 29/11/2023 10:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but if it's allowed, could your dh not take the dog with him for those shifts?
That way he wouldn't bark as he'd be coming and going with him.

Maddy70 · 29/11/2023 10:17

Yabu. You could sleep in the caravan If its too disruptive for you. Those shifts patterns aren't too bad.

OnTheTuftedWilton · 29/11/2023 10:18

Dog in caravan, DH in spare room

Goodornot · 29/11/2023 10:18

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis
And yet all he deserves is a caravan in the garden so you and your precious teenagers aren't disturbed by a dog?

Honest to God I've heard it all. Train your dog or get rid of it.

If I was him I'd stop doing the shift work if it bothered you that much and make you work more to bring in extra money.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/11/2023 10:20

Depdawg · Today 10:10

Thats right OP, train your dog to do the opposite of what he is built to do.
Tell him not to bark when somebody
Comes through the door.

Exactly what training is for. We didn’t tolerate barking in the house/garden, it’s inconsiderate to neighbours too, at any time of day.

DejaVoodoo · 29/11/2023 10:21

I'm sorry you're having this stress.
Caravans take a while to heat up and the heating's expensive. I love caravans and other little nooks to sleep in, but in the middle of winter, in the early a.m. it's not going to be too comfy or enticing.

I'm sorry you're having this problem though, with work, kids and your poor mum. And tinnitus is a bugger. Do you have stress and /or anxiety? I found that when my anxiety improved (with exercise and HRT) my tinnitus dwindled. I can wear ear plugs every night now .

Also, there are not so many frosty days, surely? I dont think the roads here have been gritted at all so far this winter.

TravelInHope · 29/11/2023 10:23

Why does he have to have the heating on? Surely an extra blanket would be enough? He is a big tough man I take it?

RoseAndRose · 29/11/2023 10:24

Will the amount he brings in offset the cost of heating and maintaining the heat in the caravan for hours during the very coldest days of the year?

CatamaranViper · 29/11/2023 10:24

TravelInHope · 29/11/2023 10:23

Why does he have to have the heating on? Surely an extra blanket would be enough? He is a big tough man I take it?

Because it's literally freezing at night? Are men not allowed to feel the cold now?

ActDottie · 29/11/2023 10:25

YABU! I can’t imagine denying my husband a nice comfy warm bed after working hard and earning money for the family.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/11/2023 10:26

TravelInHope · Today 10:23
**
Why does he have to have the heating on? Surely an extra blanket would be enough? He is a big tough man I take it?”

A joke, I hope? If not, don’t be ridiculous.

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 10:26

I think you need to give the dog back to the rescue home sadly

RoseAndRose · 29/11/2023 10:27

TravelInHope · 29/11/2023 10:23

Why does he have to have the heating on? Surely an extra blanket would be enough? He is a big tough man I take it?

You should perhaps try a night (sleep in your car, if you don't have a caravan) with just a blanket when it's sub zero outside.

OK, you're frivolling, by hypothermia is real regardless of how tough you are.

But a woman (higher %age body fat) with a dog as hot water bottle would cope much better in those conditions