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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
JustWimpy · 29/11/2023 10:44

It's for six months of the year so you need to find a solution. The obvious one is to get rid of the dog if you can't train it not to bark at your husband. Then you should be able to screen out the noise of your husband if he comes in quietly and goes to the spare room.

I don't think making someone spend six months of the year in a caravan is fair just so you can have a dog. The dog would probably bark when he approaches the caravan anyway.

JoeLovesGina · 29/11/2023 10:45

Put the dog in the caravan as it probably wakes the neighbours as well.

chattyness · 29/11/2023 10:45

Your dog would probably still bark if your DH slept in the caravan he'll still think he's an intruder just the same.
I think you need to work at settling your dog down more, it's worth spending a bit of time & effort on this so you can all get some restful sleep.
Where does your dog sleep usually ? He might feel better if he was sleeping in your room or in with one of the kids. A little walk before bedtime would also be good as he'll be more tired & will have walked of some that nervous energy, your teens can help with that bit, both of them doing it together, 20 minutes out of their day won't hurt them. Maybe some kind of calming tablets would also help him, have look at Dorwest Herbs website for this, they do calming stuff that can work wonders.

For yourself and the kids maybe a sleep spray that you put on your pillows will help settle you all down too.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 29/11/2023 10:45

But if dh didn’t wake him, he wouldn’t bark. He never wakes normally and is perfectly fine during the daytime. He’s protecting our house.

Would I be right in guessing that it was mainly you who wanted to get the dog? If you know and accept that dogs will bark, as part of being dogs, did you not think of how this might work with your DH's shifts?

At the moment, it sounds like he's being turfed out of his own house because a dog is more important than he is - but he's still expected to pay towards the house.

Dogs absolutely can be trained. You might as well let little children do whatever they do and run feral, because they're just doing what they instinctively do - but we don't do that; we teach and train them.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 29/11/2023 10:51

Depdawg · 29/11/2023 10:04

I knew as soon as the dog was mentioned, how this would go.
Lazy answer.

I actually think owners not putting the work into there dogs is lazy. Surely by now Op should /could have taught her dog that the dh is not a threat sorry.
If Op ignores the dog barking and just puts lights on and gets up when her dh arrives home then the dog hasn’t a clue anything is wrong . OP should be talking to her dog telling it to be quiet training and being firm .
It’s lazy owners I hate not dogs.

Fionaville · 29/11/2023 10:52

I was totally ready to say YABU and you can't send a hard working man to sleep in the caravan, but after reading the whole OP and his reasons for not wanting to (where he'd park the car) I don't think it's that unreasonable. What does he suggest?

FarmGirl78 · 29/11/2023 10:53

BIWI · 29/11/2023 10:42

Why not? He's using a gritting lorry so will be on his own in the cab (presumably). Why couldn't the dog accompany him to that?

Because when he turns up at the depot to get the keys and he's walking across the yard with a dog his supervisor and colleagues will probably notice he's walking across the yard WITH A DOG. I'm not saying I agree, but councils are sticklers for regulation and policy, and it'll definitely be against policy. The same way truckers can't take their wives or children to work for company anymore. It just won't be allowed.

Jk8 · 29/11/2023 10:54

Sorry but it doesnt sound like it's working out with the rescue dog & is having a negative impact on the whole family - you may need to rehome or look into kennels if your husbands going to be working extra shifts over Christmas/ new years

GirrlCrush · 29/11/2023 10:56

The dog should stay. It's already had a shit life

araiwa · 29/11/2023 10:57

Full credit to your dh for not laughing in your face and telling you to fuck off frankly

Dustybarn · 29/11/2023 10:57

Do you benefit from DH’s extra pay? If so he sleeps inside and you put up with a little discomfort for the extra benefit that it gives the family. That’s what families do.

Goodornot · 29/11/2023 10:58

GirrlCrush · 29/11/2023 10:56

The dog should stay. It's already had a shit life

It's a dog. Ffs.

It doesn't get to disturb an entire household because its had a shit life.

BeigeChair · 29/11/2023 11:01

PinkDeer · 29/11/2023 09:18

I don’t get the bit about leaving the car on the side road? Where does he usually park it and why does it have to be left on a side road because you have no side entrance? How would he get to the caravan? And would the dog not bark anyway if he heard him going through the garden to the caravan? Could the dog go out to work with your husband in the gritter.? My friend is a tree surgeon and his rescue dog goes out to work with him in his truck because he can’t be left on his own in the house.

Yup, even with the strangest layout in the world it would be a few mins walk Around the back of the estate to the back gate, unless the dog would kick off still

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/11/2023 11:02

Look with all due respect you asked for opinions. You can't flounce because they aren't what you wanted to hear - of course its a bit shit to make him sleep in a caravan when its so cold! Can't he take the dog with him?!

keye · 29/11/2023 11:02

GirrlCrush · 29/11/2023 10:56

The dog should stay. It's already had a shit life

Unlike the husband who is just embarking on his shit life?

LeaderBee · 29/11/2023 11:09

All I got from this was "You're bringing extra income into the household but I can't sleep, so as a reward I want you to go sleep in the caravan during some of the coldest months of the year"

YABU and a bit of a dick.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2023 11:12

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 09:03

Why don’t you sleep in the caravan if it’s so comfy?

Yup!

OP and/or the dog could the caravan as the dog is the problem, not the hardworking man.

YoNoTengo · 29/11/2023 11:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If he can sleep in comfort in the caravan then what's the problem?

I'm guessing that further training for the dog wouldn't work. He's protecting his family and that's an instinct, not a choice. I know damn well I wouldn't

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 29/11/2023 11:13

Me and DDog would love to sleep in a caravan at the end of our garden, if we had one.

A nice book, some snacks, cuddled up, a home (slightly) away from home vibe going on.

Can't see any reason why you won't take this as a solution OP.

Unless really you know it's not ideal, it'll still be Baltic first thing in the morning, miserable and a bit damp.

PoppyOrange · 29/11/2023 11:16

What a vile way to treat the man who is funding your life!

Get in the caravan yourself!

YoNoTengo · 29/11/2023 11:16

Arghhh, sent too soon!

I know our spaniel could not be trained not to bark if he thought there was an intruder. And they don't know who it is until they come through the door.

People saying they'd leave the marriage over a question being asked are frankly ridiculous.

YoNoTengo · 29/11/2023 11:17

PoppyOrange · 29/11/2023 11:16

What a vile way to treat the man who is funding your life!

Get in the caravan yourself!

Did you miss the bit where OP says it's having just as much of an impact on the DC sleeping? They can't all decamp.

Kokeshi123 · 29/11/2023 11:18

It sounds like the kind of job where he could take the dog with him. Like PP, I really don't understand why people get bloody dogs, but since you've got it now...

PoppyOrange · 29/11/2023 11:18

YoNoTengo · 29/11/2023 11:17

Did you miss the bit where OP says it's having just as much of an impact on the DC sleeping? They can't all decamp.

So she finds a way of bringing in the extra money and he doesn't work the shifts, therefore not disturbing the family. Simple!

BalloonSalesperson · 29/11/2023 11:18

You have a dog problem not a DH problem

100%

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