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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:28

She said the extra money is 'welcome' which would be the case for the vast majority of people.

It's not a case of the dog ranking higher than the husband either, it's about managing the effects of the dog's barking.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:31

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:05

I think you're reading way too much into this, and being far too hard on the op.

Also, I think the 'poor man out slaving away for his selfish family' narrative is a false one, seeing as the op has said that he enjoys these shifts and happily takes them.

And yes, it is easy for me to say that I'd do it for my family in the circumstances because it's the truth. It's a no brainer for me.

You say you would do this for your family, but you don't think the OP should? Her husband has said he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan, so why doesn't she step up and offer? I'll tell you why, because - just like her husband - she doesn't want to.

I'm not going to pretend I would offer to sleep in a caravan in these circumstances, because I wouldn't. If my husband expected me to - especially if he was prioritising a dog over my comfort - he wouldn't be my husband for much longer.

Neither would I expect my husband to sleep in a caravan in the garden. In fact, I wouldn't want him to even if he offered. He has every right to enjoy the comfort of the home he is providing for us and he is infinitely more important to me than any bloody dog could possibly be.

The dog barking is the problem, not the husband's entirely understandable refusal to be thrown out of his home. The problem should be resolved by the wife sleeping in the caravan with the dog, or by getting rid of the dog.

SALWARP2023 · 30/11/2023 12:34

Sorry but the dog is the problem and that is what needs addressing. How would you feel the other way round?

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:35

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:31

You say you would do this for your family, but you don't think the OP should? Her husband has said he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan, so why doesn't she step up and offer? I'll tell you why, because - just like her husband - she doesn't want to.

I'm not going to pretend I would offer to sleep in a caravan in these circumstances, because I wouldn't. If my husband expected me to - especially if he was prioritising a dog over my comfort - he wouldn't be my husband for much longer.

Neither would I expect my husband to sleep in a caravan in the garden. In fact, I wouldn't want him to even if he offered. He has every right to enjoy the comfort of the home he is providing for us and he is infinitely more important to me than any bloody dog could possibly be.

The dog barking is the problem, not the husband's entirely understandable refusal to be thrown out of his home. The problem should be resolved by the wife sleeping in the caravan with the dog, or by getting rid of the dog.

Edited

It's the whole family being disturbed. One child who also works and another with mocks coming up. She's already explained all of that.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:38

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:35

It's the whole family being disturbed. One child who also works and another with mocks coming up. She's already explained all of that.

Yes. Absolutely right. The whole family is being disturbed. By the DOG.

The dog is the problem. Not the husband.

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:42

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:38

Yes. Absolutely right. The whole family is being disturbed. By the DOG.

The dog is the problem. Not the husband.

So based on your choice of vocabulary alone I'm guessing you're not a dog lover. But surely the most ardent dog hater wouldn't advocate for getting rid of a rescue animal for the sake of an occasional kip in a comfy caravan? Wow.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 30/11/2023 12:49

But surely the most ardent dog hater wouldn't advocate for getting rid of a rescue animal for the sake of an occasional kip in a comfy caravan? Wow.

I think that's unfair. It's not 'occasional' if he's out gritting for several months a year and he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan rather than his own bed in his own house.

I know that rescue animals need stability, but it's not like people who subsequently find they have to give them up are likely to abuse or neglect them in the meantime, in the way that their original owners may have done, leading to them needing to be rescued in the first place.

It really doesn't sound like due care and attention was paid to the family's circumstances here before making the decision to take on a dog - rescue or otherwise.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:54

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:42

So based on your choice of vocabulary alone I'm guessing you're not a dog lover. But surely the most ardent dog hater wouldn't advocate for getting rid of a rescue animal for the sake of an occasional kip in a comfy caravan? Wow.

Your argument is astonishing. You don't have to be "the most ardent dog hater" to put human beings before dogs. Yes, I would get rid of a dog if it was causing the level of disruption to my family that appears to be the case here.

Clearly the husband does not see it as "an occasional kip in a comfy caravan" FFS and neither does his wife seeing as neither of them wants to do it.

I am not an ardent dog hater, but I would get rid of any dog in a heartbeat before treating any human I loved with such disdain.

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 13:01

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 12:54

Your argument is astonishing. You don't have to be "the most ardent dog hater" to put human beings before dogs. Yes, I would get rid of a dog if it was causing the level of disruption to my family that appears to be the case here.

Clearly the husband does not see it as "an occasional kip in a comfy caravan" FFS and neither does his wife seeing as neither of them wants to do it.

I am not an ardent dog hater, but I would get rid of any dog in a heartbeat before treating any human I loved with such disdain.

Not as as astonishing as your hyperbolic language. Good grief.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 13:02

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 13:01

Not as as astonishing as your hyperbolic language. Good grief.

Great argument! 👍

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 13:03

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 30/11/2023 12:49

But surely the most ardent dog hater wouldn't advocate for getting rid of a rescue animal for the sake of an occasional kip in a comfy caravan? Wow.

I think that's unfair. It's not 'occasional' if he's out gritting for several months a year and he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan rather than his own bed in his own house.

I know that rescue animals need stability, but it's not like people who subsequently find they have to give them up are likely to abuse or neglect them in the meantime, in the way that their original owners may have done, leading to them needing to be rescued in the first place.

It really doesn't sound like due care and attention was paid to the family's circumstances here before making the decision to take on a dog - rescue or otherwise.

I used the word occasional because some posters are reacting as though it's every single night when it's not.

No wonder the op hasn't been back, on top of everything else she's an irresponsible pet owner as well.

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 13:03

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 13:02

Great argument! 👍

Merely pointing that out. 👍

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 13:10

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 13:03

I used the word occasional because some posters are reacting as though it's every single night when it's not.

No wonder the op hasn't been back, on top of everything else she's an irresponsible pet owner as well.

OP hasn't been back, because she has seen the error of her ways and agreed to sleep in the caravan with the dog.

The caravan turned out not to be as "comfy" for an occasional "kip" as she thought (having only slept in it in Summer previously) and her hands have frozen solid into a pair of icy mittens. Unfortunately, this means she has been unable to type any more posts.

Hopefully, by the Spring her hands will have thawed out and she'll be able to give us an update.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 30/11/2023 19:30

He sleeps in the spare room downstairs and creeps in/out. Dog sleeps in the caravan?

Bugbabe1970 · 30/11/2023 19:55

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 09:03

Why don’t you sleep in the caravan if it’s so comfy?

🤣

Harp1977 · 30/11/2023 20:26

I work a middle of the night shift pattern, I get up at 1.30 am and leave at 2.30 am. We have a dog that barked. Yes, it upset and woke others in the house, and we have neighbours, The dog now sleeps on a mat by our bed, gets up, and goes out while I get ready and goes to her bed in the kitchen with a treat as I leave. We had to break the barking habit before the DC became older and would be in at strange hours from a night out. Now we just need to stop her setting off the house alarm when the post person arrives
Please don't send DH to the caravan. Retrain the dog. It should not take long to do a comfy mat and nice treats, and DDog will be happy to leave everyone rest and sleep

Morgysmum · 30/11/2023 20:37

You can get anti bark collars. Not sure how they work, but it trains your dog not to bark. Or could he take it with him, if it wouldn't bark when returning back.
Then you only have to put up with him moving around, I know that is annoying, as I am a light sleeper, occasionally I sleep through my partner moving around, but when his alarm has gone off 10 times before he gets up, that wakes me up,
We have wooden floors downstairs and he doesn't walk properly in his slippers, it's like he slides in them, so I get schlep schlep, I have told him to walk pro, but he cannot.

Winnipeg23 · 30/11/2023 20:41

NotSorry · 29/11/2023 09:06

I slept in our caravan when DH had Covid and I was shielding. I set the heating on timer and it was lovely and warm when I went to bed. I bloody loved the peace and quiet. YANBU OP

Can I ask you what kind of caravan you have and how old it is? Am thinking about getting one but want a nice one that's toasty and comfy.
Hope it's ok to ask😁

pphammer · 30/11/2023 20:51

Can't believe I just read this...
Get a grip... Respect your husband!

NotSorry · 30/11/2023 21:08

Winnipeg23 · 30/11/2023 20:41

Can I ask you what kind of caravan you have and how old it is? Am thinking about getting one but want a nice one that's toasty and comfy.
Hope it's ok to ask😁

Hi, I’ve pm’d you with the info - there is also a camping/caravanning board - lots of helpful peeps over there who will help you https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/camping

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 30/11/2023 21:18

Your poor husband grafting all night and you want to do this?
Surely the dog only barks for a short while?
Why can’t you put in the effort and train your dig not to bark?

Sighhhhh · 30/11/2023 21:26

You want him to sleep in the caravan although you wouldn’t like to do this yourself. YABU. You could always ask him not to do the shifts anymore, whether he enjoys the shifts or not. But it sounds like you do not want to forfeit the extra income.

Get proper protection dog training - YABU to suggest that your dog’s untrained indiscriminate barking is okay, even if it means that your DH should sleep in a caravan. Such a lazy unkind response to your DH. Alternatively, rehome your dog. I’d be upset if my spouse gave me such a ridiculous suggestion, largely because of a dog.

Danielle9891 · 30/11/2023 21:27

My partner works nights and comes in between 4am-6am. I ask him to change and take his boots off downstairs as we've got laminate flooring and he's so loud. He changes into trainers to drive so he isn't wearing boots but still I wake up easily. I wouldn't dream of asking him to sleep outside. Caravans are freezing.

Danielle9891 · 30/11/2023 21:27

My partner works nights and comes in between 4am-6am. I ask him to change and take his boots off downstairs as we've got laminate flooring and he's so loud. He changes into trainers to drive so he isn't wearing boots but still I wake up easily. I wouldn't dream of asking him to sleep outside. Caravans are freezing.

Astonvilla123 · 30/11/2023 21:50

I'd say you need help with training the dog.
The dog is the problem, not your husband who is presumably going and coming home quietly and should be able to stay in the home he's providing for.
You could put the dog in the caravan?