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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
obje · 29/11/2023 09:27

I disagree it's a dig problem. The dog is doing what it's supposed to do......

StandByMode · 29/11/2023 09:28

Perfectly reasonable. He enjoys his work, has said he wouldn't stop the shifts even if you didn't need the money. Everyone's sleep is wrecked. Option 1 caravan. Option 2 no shifts. Option 3 rehome dog

Why does his choice get to disturb everyone else? Op has said even without the dog, she's still disturbed and it sounds like she has a full plate to deal with - sick mother, poor health, job. He's not a god just because he's earning money.

LegoDeathTrap · 29/11/2023 09:28

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts…

Yeah, you don’t. You just say you do.

tuttifuckinfruity · 29/11/2023 09:28

I'll never understand these people who have dogs that make their lives so much harder....

You have a spare bedroom downstairs which is ideal. He should be able to use that. The dog is the issue.

gannett · 29/11/2023 09:28

OP I'd also look into ways to help you get back to sleep once you've woken up. Melatonin makes a huge difference to me and some people I know swear by sleep apps.

Gazelda · 29/11/2023 09:28

Why can't the dog go in the caravan? With you or DC if necessary.

I'd be miffed if my DH were implying I'm a disruptive inconvenience in my own home.

betterangels · 29/11/2023 09:28

DH chooses to do these hours, they are not compulsory, he likes to do them as he gets the next day off.

Presumably, he also does them to bring in extra money. He's not on a jolly.

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:31

Whinge · 29/11/2023 09:26

but as it’s disturbing mine and dc sleep it would be a bit cramped all 3 of us in there!

But it's not DH who is disturbing the children's sleep, it's the dog.

But if dh didn’t wake him, he wouldn’t bark. He never wakes normally and is perfectly fine during the daytime. He’s protecting our house.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 29/11/2023 09:31

He doesn't do the shifts for fun, or because he gets the next day off, he wouldn't presumably do them on a voluntary basis.

I think to tell him he's not allowed to sleep in the house in his own bed is a bit rich. If your not sleeping as much as you'd like to be in your bed, take the dog down the end of the garden and sleep in the caravan, and get the kids some earplugs.

Hulbg1 · 29/11/2023 09:31

Assuming he's working hard soyou can all have a nice xmas. the dog needs training or rehoming whose idea was the dog? it's going to bark regardless of what happens. You need to stop complaining and get on with life. Your husband by the sounds of it should take the money and go on the trip of a lifetime with out you all.

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:32

obje · 29/11/2023 09:27

I disagree it's a dig problem. The dog is doing what it's supposed to do......

He absolutely is.

OP posts:
loudbatperson · 29/11/2023 09:33

So what's the problem with you and the dog sleeping in the caravan?

Everyone gets to sleep, and the family still benefits form the extra money.

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:34

tuttifuckinfruity · 29/11/2023 09:28

I'll never understand these people who have dogs that make their lives so much harder....

You have a spare bedroom downstairs which is ideal. He should be able to use that. The dog is the issue.

Because we are not all dog haters. Some of us try to repair the damage that arsehole human beings have done to certain animals.

OP posts:
CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:35

gannett · 29/11/2023 09:28

OP I'd also look into ways to help you get back to sleep once you've woken up. Melatonin makes a huge difference to me and some people I know swear by sleep apps.

Thank you, I will look into that.

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 29/11/2023 09:36

Not unreasonable to suggest dh to sleep in the caravan, but he doesnt want to.

So I think next solution is you and dog in caravan. That way the dog wont be barking when he comes in, so it wont wake the kids and you also wont be disturbed. Seems logical since you dont mind sleeping in the caravan.

Jewelspun · 29/11/2023 09:37

Good grief! The man is doing a job that benefits the community and you want to treat him like a serf and make him sleep in a caravan?!

How about he only comes in through the back door and doffs his cap and bows when he greets you.

Get some ear plugs.

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:37

GoldDuster I don’t care for my terminally ill mum for fun either!

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 29/11/2023 09:38

keye · 29/11/2023 09:21

Fuck that shit.

You want to kick your husband out into a freezing caravan in sub zero temperatures because the dog barks?

If I were your husband I would be leaving you over this what an utterly nasty way to treat someone.

I agree. Utterly abhorrent.

Whinge · 29/11/2023 09:38

OP is there a reason you're ignoring the obvious solution for you and the dog to sleep in the caravan?

keye · 29/11/2023 09:39

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:25

I’d sleep in the caravan but as it’s disturbing mine and dc sleep it would be a bit cramped all 3 of us in there!
DH chooses to do these hours, they are not compulsory, he likes to do them as he gets the next day off.
I don’t! I still have to work the next day and care for my mum.
Going by some of the replies you’d think dh was the only worker. DS and I still have to work. Dd still has school.
Ear plugs may work for the DC but I have tinnitus and they exacerbate the issue, my ent consultant has advised me against them.

I don't think he is the only worker but I don't think he should be getting kicked out of his house because of the fucking dog

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2023 09:41

Aposterhasnoname · 29/11/2023 09:03

Why don’t you sleep in the caravan if it’s so comfy?

Because the dog will still disturb everyone? (poss inc neighbours)

Kpo58 · 29/11/2023 09:41

Whinge · 29/11/2023 09:38

OP is there a reason you're ignoring the obvious solution for you and the dog to sleep in the caravan?

Probably because it's disturbing everyone else in the household and it would be rather difficult for everyone to sleep in the caravan apart from the DH?

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:41

Some if you are spectacularly twisting my words. I have already stated that I am grateful for the work dh does.
However, I am not sitting on my arse all day doing sod all.
I am off now to look after my mum. And no, that doesn’t make me a saint, just someone trying her best in a shit situation whilst surviving on little sleep.

OP posts:
saraclara · 29/11/2023 09:42

Presumably the nights that he's gritting are the coldest of the year. You have more faith in your caravan being warm enough than I do! Presumably you'd need to leave the heater on all night for it to be warm enough when he gets home.

lochmaree · 29/11/2023 09:42

put the dog in the caravan. or DH could take it out to work with him.

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