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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

362 replies

CaraVann · 29/11/2023 09:01

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

OP posts:
Frasers · 29/11/2023 17:20

NamelessNancy · 29/11/2023 16:51

Fgs it's a caravan, not a torture chamber! We often use ours as extra accomodation for the grown up DCs to visit including through the winter. We've also used it ourselves for holidays when there's snow on the ground. Because it's a relatively small space it heats up really quickly and doesn't cost a fortune. Even better with an electric blanket in the bed. NBU at all OP.

So then she can easily go and sleep in there then.

NamelessNancy · 29/11/2023 17:35

Of course, but that doesn't help the kids get a good night's sleep does it? It surely makes far more sense for the DH to sleep in the smaller space rather than all the rest of the family. If his concern is the cost of heating it I think he might find it's really not that much.

CatamaranViper · 29/11/2023 17:38

NamelessNancy · 29/11/2023 17:35

Of course, but that doesn't help the kids get a good night's sleep does it? It surely makes far more sense for the DH to sleep in the smaller space rather than all the rest of the family. If his concern is the cost of heating it I think he might find it's really not that much.

Kids would sleep fine if she took the dog with her

easylikeasundaymorn · 29/11/2023 17:43

out of interest, do you have neighbours nearby? from someone who lives in a semi detached where next door have a dog that likes barking at 4 o'clock in the morning, if the dog is waking up you and the kids it's likely they are also cursing you all....

NamelessNancy · 29/11/2023 17:58

That could work, yes. If it is anything like ours, whoever sleeps in the caravan is not destined to freeze to death in uncomfortable and financially crippling misery.

GoldDuster · 29/11/2023 21:56

Out of interest, when your DH is sleeping during the day after his night shift and you come in and the dog goes nuts barking and wakes him up, or the kids come home and the same happens and he can't get back to sleep.....

Does he suggest you all go and hang out in the caravan?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/11/2023 22:36

Morecladding · 29/11/2023 12:17

Given how many posters have said 'I understand your sleep deprived but..' Maybe another solution would be to ask your DH to take on some of your caring responsibilities rather than sleeping all day on his day off. Obviously this isn't going to help your DC who's education/work is also being affected but may take some weight off you.

Ah @GoldDuster no, the dh shouldn't be sleeping on his off days, he should be taking over from the op in her caring role remember. ..🤨
Although I'm sure that's a bit unsafe!

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 29/11/2023 22:39

GoldDuster · 29/11/2023 21:56

Out of interest, when your DH is sleeping during the day after his night shift and you come in and the dog goes nuts barking and wakes him up, or the kids come home and the same happens and he can't get back to sleep.....

Does he suggest you all go and hang out in the caravan?

“He never wakes normally and is perfectly fine during the daytime. “

Elfandwellbeing · 29/11/2023 22:52

Yabu and ridiculous. Your dc are hardly young stop teaching them it’s ok to moan about the person paying the bills to keep a room over their heads. He is gritting the roads because it’s fucking freezing and you expect him to sleep in a tourer. How about you sleep there for a good nights sleep instead.

TheRussiansAreComing · 29/11/2023 23:18

You can tell the non caravaners OP.
If I was him, I wouldn’t need asking twice.

That said, I get that he probably doesn’t want to park his car on the side road and if he has the heating on at 2KW at 30p pkwh, at say 10 hours through the night, then that’s £6 a day.

I’d still be there though. Nice n cosy, and all to myself.

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 23:18

easylikeasundaymorn · 29/11/2023 17:43

out of interest, do you have neighbours nearby? from someone who lives in a semi detached where next door have a dog that likes barking at 4 o'clock in the morning, if the dog is waking up you and the kids it's likely they are also cursing you all....

I was wondering this, too.

It seems the poor dog is not compatible with the situation.

MichelleScarn · 30/11/2023 06:17

Will you set a time that he is 'allowed' to re enter the house op in the morning?
Or will it be better if he just stays out there so he doesn't get in your way when you're getting ready for work/school?
In fact, he's got a kitchen, washing facility etc there, he could prob just move out there for the winter, so sleep there all the time... (poor guy!) Does he even know your expectations?!
That may change his willingness to do the extra hours!
'Sorry boss, take me off the rota, if I do these shifts I need to sleep in the garden!'

Doingmybest12 · 30/11/2023 06:47

It's not working for you as a family. I think he should give up the shifts.

Sayitaintso33 · 30/11/2023 06:52

You need to set a better example and teach your children to be proud of and value their hard grafting father.

JurassicFantastic · 30/11/2023 07:14

I think everyone's got a bit lost on this one.

From the shift patterns the only problematic time is when DH LEAVES at 2am - all other times are when they would be awake or its not too unreasonable for them to be awake (11pm/6am).

Surely the dog can be trained not to bark when DH LEAVES the house (as opposed to coming into the house)?

You say DH doesn't work the day after a night shift so can sleep then, so there is no need for DH to use the spare room at all - he could just stay up, watch some TV, doze on the sofa until he leaves at 2am and the dog could be with him.

Surely the dog doesn't bark everytime someone who is is in the same room as leaves the house? And if it does, yes it needs some sort of training/changed routine for the dog to stop this more generally.

ElevenSeven · 30/11/2023 07:29

Yabu, sort your dog out

Scirocco · 30/11/2023 08:21

Asking someone to sleep in a caravan rather than in their home, where there's even a spare bedroom, is unreasonable. He's working demanding shifts, helping keep roads safe, bringing in extra money for the family... I doubt he's doing it because of some great love for his job - he's doing it for you all. Telling him he can't sleep in his own home because he's bothering the very people he's working to support just feels unappreciative.

It sounds like you all need to be able to get some rest, so if DH sleeps in the spare room or the living room you could try:

  • dampening sound with thicker rugs/carpets
  • white noise
  • training your dog not to bark when DH comes home
  • gradually training yourself to be able to sleep through normal sounds of a person moving around downstairs
  • earplugs for your children
  • over-ear noise cancelling headphones for you if you can get comfortable with them on
  • melatonin
  • if all else fails, you could ask your GP if they'd consider a short course of sleeping tablets for you
lemmein · 30/11/2023 08:39

I don't think it's an insane (or cruel!) idea like some posters seem to think, however, he doesn't want to so that's that, you'll both have to find another solution.

My DDs dog is staying with us at the minute and barks at the slightest noise so I get your frustration. If your dogs anything like my DDs I don't think your DH in the caravan would solve the barking issue anyway because she'll still hear him creeping about outside. It might actually make it worse if she's barking out of fear!

If the dog would settle in the caravan I'd do that, or if you can afford it ask DH to give up the shifts - it's not sustainable surviving on so little sleep.

It sounds like you've got a lot on @CaraVann -I hope you find a solution.

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 09:15

Sayitaintso33 · 30/11/2023 06:52

You need to set a better example and teach your children to be proud of and value their hard grafting father.

That's pretty harsh given the op cares for her terminally ill mother, on top of working herself and with a chronic health condition. That's a fairly impressive example to set I'd have thought?

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 10:23

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 09:15

That's pretty harsh given the op cares for her terminally ill mother, on top of working herself and with a chronic health condition. That's a fairly impressive example to set I'd have thought?

That doesn't excuse her treating her hardworking husband as if he's lower down the family pecking order than the dog. Her life would be a whole lot harder if he decides to walk away from his ungrateful wife. She's lucky he hasn't gone already.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/11/2023 10:43

Dog isn’t more important than husband

dog doesn’t go out to work, husband does

dog can sleep outside not husband

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 10:50

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 10:23

That doesn't excuse her treating her hardworking husband as if he's lower down the family pecking order than the dog. Her life would be a whole lot harder if he decides to walk away from his ungrateful wife. She's lucky he hasn't gone already.

Sorry, I don't agree. She's found a solution to what is a fairly big problem, not just for her but their children. She's asking him to occasionally sleep in a well equipped camper home not, not sleep on a park bench. If it was me in his shoes, I'd do it.

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 11:33

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 10:50

Sorry, I don't agree. She's found a solution to what is a fairly big problem, not just for her but their children. She's asking him to occasionally sleep in a well equipped camper home not, not sleep on a park bench. If it was me in his shoes, I'd do it.

That is easy for you to say. You are not him and you are not being asked to sleep in a caravan after finishing a shift in the freezing cold, making money for the benefit of your family.

He has said he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan, so it is unreasonable to think he should. If his wife thinks it's such a great solution, why isn't she sleeping in the caravan? She could take her rotten dog with her to keep warm and everyone can be happy .

If I was him, I would be hurt and angry that my wife thought my comfort was less important than that of a bloody dog.

I wouldn't blame him if he walked away from this situation. Considering the selfish disdain she treats him with, she might be happy for that to happen. Poor man.

Americano75 · 30/11/2023 12:05

SerenChocolateMuncher · 30/11/2023 11:33

That is easy for you to say. You are not him and you are not being asked to sleep in a caravan after finishing a shift in the freezing cold, making money for the benefit of your family.

He has said he doesn't want to sleep in the caravan, so it is unreasonable to think he should. If his wife thinks it's such a great solution, why isn't she sleeping in the caravan? She could take her rotten dog with her to keep warm and everyone can be happy .

If I was him, I would be hurt and angry that my wife thought my comfort was less important than that of a bloody dog.

I wouldn't blame him if he walked away from this situation. Considering the selfish disdain she treats him with, she might be happy for that to happen. Poor man.

I think you're reading way too much into this, and being far too hard on the op.

Also, I think the 'poor man out slaving away for his selfish family' narrative is a false one, seeing as the op has said that he enjoys these shifts and happily takes them.

And yes, it is easy for me to say that I'd do it for my family in the circumstances because it's the truth. It's a no brainer for me.

betterangels · 30/11/2023 12:21

Also, I think the 'poor man out slaving away for his selfish family' narrative is a false one, seeing as the op has said that he enjoys these shifts and happily takes them.

She has also repeatedly said that she'll happily take the money. A dog shouldn't rank higher than a husband, especially not a husband who works unsoocialable, extra hours to make a COL crisis more manageable. Priorities are off.