To ask my DH to sleep in the caravan when he works these shifts?

[CaraVann]

As a part of (but not compulsory) DH’s job he does the Winter gritting.

The shift patterns are one week on, one off. It starts in October through to late March, sometimes April. They usually don’t start actually gritting until this time of year where we live (SE).

Tbh, it does brings in a good amount of extra income which at anytime is welcome but particularly during this COL crisis.

However, I find it really disruptive.

The times of the shifts change frequently depending on when the frosts/snows are due. Sometimes it could be from say 3pm-7pm and then back again 2-6am the same day or (the best shifts) 7-11pm.

This week has been particularly frosty here so he has been working double shifts - 2-6pm and 2-6am. He will get the next day off work to sleep.

However, the rest of us in the family (myself, DS18 and DD15) do not get the benefit of a lie in. Instead we have a disturbed nights sleep. For the dc this is mainly because our rescue dog (we’ve had him a year), who normally sleeps through will bark the house down when Dh leaves/returns (doesn’t matter which part of the house we put him in, he’s on high alert for ‘intruders’).

DC and dogs aside it wakes me regardless. I’m a light sleeper anyhow but once I’ve been woken that’s it, I’m awake.
We have a spare bedroom but it’s under our bedroom and I’d still hear him creeping about and the dog will still bark so I’d wake anyhow.
Last night I had 3 hours, broken, sleep. I (and the kids) are shattered. Dd has missed her bus to school because we overslept once we got back to sleep.
We are all grouchy and miserable this morning.

This is the AIBU part. We have our touring caravan stored at the bottom of our garden. I’ve suggested to Dh that he sleeps in there during these middle of the night shifts but he’s reluctant. Not because of the actual caravan as it’s lovely with a fixed bed, an en-suite shower room and very warm heater but because a) it would mean leaving his car out on the side road to save coming through the house as we have no side path/entrance (10 year old car, nothing special) and because the caravan will cost a lot to heat.

Who is BU though?

Dc and I really appreciate DH working these crap shifts (although he says he actually enjoys being out on the road at night with heater and radio on and wouldn’t give it up even if I earned more money) but it really affects our lives.
DS has work, DD has mocks and I work part time and care for my dm who has Alzheimer’s. I also have a chronic health condition which is affected by lack of sleep. I have to care for my mum
today and then I have a hospital appointment but all I want to do is crawl back into bed.

What would you suggested in our situation?

My point was that it isn't black and white for dogs. It's not either accept barking at night (and therefore protected from burglers) or no barking and be at risk of burgers/intruders

I don't live in rented accommodation nor does any of my friends or family.

I would think only people in areas with a high crime rate would have one

They use their legs and go look? Use their sense of smell and eyes? It's how other dogs manage it, including the 6 I've had.

@mydogisthebest

I did not say “get rid of the dog” someone else said that.

I said to rehome the dog.

It is a rescue and has likely previous trauma, leading to it being highly strung and over reactive. Most rescues, unless they are pups, have some trauma issues leading to behavioural difficulty.

Therefore it isn’t fair to keep the dog in a situation where it is on high alert and overstressed X nights a week.

You cannot keep a dog where their behaviour is causing sleep loss in four people, especially when one is liable to end up sleeping in a caravan, another chronically ill and two children. It’s madness.

OP - the caravan may be cramped with 3 of you in there but what if you slept in there with the dog whilst DCs stayed in the house?

OP, if you're still reading, I'm sorry about your Mum, that does sound stressful

But, I agree with PP that YABU to expect your DH to sleep in a caravan in winter. I think the dog needs to be trained to recognise that DH is not an intruder

Then why would someone who lives in a low crime rate area need a dog that barks when there's an intruder?

That's fair enough.

Unfortunately I don't know of anybody who has managed to successfully train a dog to stop barking.

You and the dog sleep in the caravan. Problem solved.

But a dog shouldn’t bark when an owner comes home. That can be trained.

But OP is doing equally difficult work caring for her sick Mum. I'd say her work is far harder and therefore she needs far more sleep than her DH.

Have you ever looked after someone with Alzheimers? It's a really awful emotionally upsetting task, especially if that person is part of your family. Added to which it's relentless. You never really get a break in that that person is never going to get better, it's just a downhill slide towards death.

Don't fall for the trap of thinking his work is more valuable than hers, just because he's living the patriarchal dream of going out to work being a 'hero'.

OP is doing work that's equally valuable. She's in caring role. I'd say her job is far more stressful than her DH's. She is emotionally and probably physically exhausted at the end of being with her DM each day.

DH can come home and just sleep because he's not got any emotional attachment to what he's doing - if anything it probably boosts his morale because he can feel like he's doing something good.

OP is also doing something equally good.

But it's valued differently on MN for some reason...

I think as it’s clear the op really doesn’t wish to go sleep in the caravan. It’s a bit shitty to try to make her husband do it. I personally don’t ask my family to do something I really wouldn’t wish to do myself.

I fully understand why she doesn’t wish to, it’s winter, who the heck wants to go sleep in the caravan at the bottom of the garden for gods sake. Especially after a long night shift of driving.

her kids are clearly older, so the point remains. She can easily take the dog, warm up the caravan and go sleep in there, ensuring no one is disturbed and she still gets to have the extra cash coming in, if she’s so sure it’s a great place to sleep. But if the reality is she’d not wish to do it. Then she should apologise for asking and take it off the table. If they didn’t need the money and he was doing it for fun, it would be different.

You seem to have went off on one, at no point did I even indicate I thought her work was less valuable.maybe you quoted the wrong post.

It does sound a hard situation.

I think in the end you can’t hold everyone else hostage to the fact you’re a light sleeper. Earplugs would surely help- and then even if your DH sleeps in the spare room, he’s not out in a caravan.

If you do all stay in the house, wearing an eye mask with headphones in might help. Play some ambient noise through it, like brown noise or rain sounds.

It might help you sleep as well. It does for me. I never sleep without ambient noise on now.

Maybe they prefer a dog to an alarm? Maybe they want a dog and an alarm? Maybe they just want a dog as they like dogs and barking at someone coming in when they don't know who it is is what most dogs do!

Well surely it depends where the dog is in relation to the door the OP's OH is coming in through doesn't it?

If my DH comes in through the front door our dogs can't see him because the living room door which leads into the hallway is kept closed. Not sure whether they can smell through a closed door but mine bark until they see it is DH.

If he comes in through the back door he has to come through the conservatory and then the kitchen into the living room where the dogs are so, again, they don't know it is him until he gets into the room or calls out to them. I assume OP wouldn't want her OH calling to the dog as that would likely wake her too

I agree with posters saying put the dog in the caravan overnight. If it's as lovely and warm as you say OP then the dog will be perfectly and fine and his barking won't wake anyone. Problem solved!

Not sure that can be trained because until the dog sees or hears who is coming into the house it is going to bark. If it doesn't bark then it is useless as a guard dog.

Just about every dog I know barks when someone enters their house. I know when my neighbours both sides get home because I hear their dogs bark. They only do a couple of barks until they realise who it is

The dog is not the only problem. OP says they are wakened regardless when the husband gets up.

I also am a carer and work shifts/on call. I eternally grateful to those who grit roads as it means I can do my job and bring home the extra money that is needed. If I need to sleep when everyone else is about then the headphones go on.

I’m not sure I would take kindly to getting punted to a caravan.

I unfortunately most likely wake the house when I get up in the middle of the night no matter how much I try to creep about. At night most noises seem 10 times louder.

The only member of the family that hasn’t been disturbed is the dog. The old rescues used to stir (no barking but they would puff) but this one doesn’t. Different if someone enters the house though.

Most of us do the best we can.

I’m sorry about your mam though OP. It is hard going.

So he enjoys doing these shifts, and wouldn't give them up. OP also works, has a chronic health condition, and cares for her terminally ill mother.

I don't think the occasional night in a comfy caravan is that big an ask.

So how does the dog know who is coming into the house until he sees them? Is it meant to be psychic?

Smell and hearing, people's habits. When I've had dogs in the past, they've always known who's at the door before it's opened. Mine used to have a good sniff under the door and react depending on if they recognised the smell or not. People's footsteps differ and if you practise, you can tell the difference between how people walk by listening to them. And if you're driving, they often recognise car engines as well. It's actually pretty unusual for a dog not to recognise who's around well before they're in sight.

For one, they can smell through doors. A dog's sense of smell is fantastic.

Do you lock your dog in the living room overnight? If you were in OPs situation I'd say let the dog sleep in the hallway so dog is in the room most likely to be accessed (by both an intruder and a family member coming home). That way they can react accordingly.

Fgs it's a caravan, not a torture chamber! We often use ours as extra accomodation for the grown up DCs to visit including through the winter. We've also used it ourselves for holidays when there's snow on the ground. Because it's a relatively small space it heats up really quickly and doesn't cost a fortune. Even better with an electric blanket in the bed. NBU at all OP.

I think you need to accept a degree of disruption and work on the dogs behaviour. Do some research on strategies to stop him barking and accept that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Please have some empathy with this man. Not that every man who isn't a waster deserves a medal for working, but he's doing additional and unsociable hours for the benefit of the household, and not coming in from thrice weekly pub visits with the darts team.

Oh, and a side note to those who say get rid of the dog. It takes a special kind of scumbag to rescue a dog, potentially from being put to sleep, only to give up on it and hand it back when it barks when his owner gets in which is a completely natural thing for it to do. If being woken up when an owner comes in at night is all that takes for someone to go back on a rescue, I would absolutely despair of them and wish them all the worst karma in the world. If you're not prepared to accept and work on minor behavioural issues like that, don't get a dog, especially a rescue. Get a goldfish, or preferably, don't get any pet.