Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

The reality is that most people these days expect better than what people "back in my day" used to have to tolerate. Paternity leave is a thing so that women who have just given birth have a chance to physically recover instead of being chucked back into wrestling with toddlers and school runs as if nothing happened.
If a father can't even give his baby's mother two weeks grace after she's spent the last 9 months growing his child, there has been a failure somewhere along the line.

If one was to paraphrase for quite a few post on this thread, they might read something like "society was completely different in my day but I can't understand how mother's aren't coping the same way they used to!" or "I can't understand why everyone can't have exactly the same personality and same life experiences!".

I'm late to this thread but OP if you're still reading I am so so sorry you're going through this. I am 2 weeks post partum with our second DC (DC1 is 2.5) and as much as you love them both the transition to 2 is brutal! The guilt you feel for not being able to be as 'present' with the older DC is hard, and coupled with the postnatal hormones and the sleepless nights it feels utterly overwhelming! Plus your physical recovery is no joke and can't be ignored either. More than once I've accidentally pushed it too hard, resulting in passing clots or actually throwing up. And this is with a supportive husband who is doing his absolute best! My guess is that your DH doesn't/didn't understand how much of an adjustment this would be. It's not my place to comment on your marriage, but I would say don't make any hasty decisions while your hormones are making everything worse. Remember this too shall pass, and things will get easier as your baby grows and develops. If you can get support from elsewhere (friends/family/temporary nanny) then now's the time. Wishing you all the best and reminding you that things will get better. X

Exactly Robbee.

I remember popping into ASDA on the way home from the hospital because we needed some shopping and I needed birthday bits for one of my other children.

I also remember there was a school event I needed to go to with a week-old baby.

The dogs still needed walking etc.

My daughter and her partner were in temporary accommodation and had to move house the day after my grandson was born, which, although not ideal, they just got on with.

Life just carries on.

Congratulations @VeterinaryCareAssistant and @Robbee for being superhuman and showing us all the error of our ways for not being as bloody amazing as you two. Good job you're here to tell us all to buck up, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and stop whining eh?

Your halo polish is in the post.

Meanwhile, the rest of us will consider ourselves suitably chastised for not newborning right!

This just shows a complete lack of understanding of child development.

It's good to spend time recovering with your baby. It's good for bonding and it's important to make sure your scar doesn't rip open and you end up with a serious infection. My baby is so little for such little time - selfish of me to want to cherish and enjoy that time and use it to recover and bond with them so I can be the best mum in the future?

Your life of mum support networks sounds idyllic. I would love something like that but unfortunately people are insular now. You clearly have never had a difficult birth or postnatal depression. Your comments are dangerous and dismissive, and again show how little you do understand about rearing children. I feel sorry for yours if that's how you show sympathy to someone 8 days pp.

And newborns aren't 12 hour jobs, they're 24 hours around the clock.

Just shocking. Must be nice with your rose tinted glasses in your ivory tower.

@Robbee maybe it was, but clearly you've forgotten.

Then try to be a little more compassionate. You're currently channeling 'Miss Trunchbull' and your attitude belongs in the 1950s!

Honestly @Robbee if you were a child development expert you are either really out of date or burnt out but either way you are being horrid and unhelpful. My DSis always said you should never take advice on childrearing when your children are small from anyone who has a child 18 months older than yours, we wipe the reality of the early years out of our minds because it is bloody hard and if we remembered it clearly we wouldn't do it again!

@joao2570 I don't think you are at all unreasonable to want just two weeks of meaningful support, and you aren't getting it. I agree that paid help if you can afford it is the way forward. Someone who can pick up the slack, cuddle the 1 year old while you are breastfeeding and generally be useful - a mother's help. Would that be a possibility?

@CandyLeBonBon quite! Apparently self care (basic needs like showering, eating, etc) are flamboyant, excessive needs from an overindulged generation. Best bath once a week like the good old days and get deathly ill from a simple infection. Hot water and epidurals - my god, what wimp would want them?

We have arranged a mothers help and upped days in nursery. I have quit breastfeeding very reluctantly and tearfully because baby fed better from bottles and was happier.
Thank you for all the suggestions and help. I felt like a failure having to get extra support at first but now see it's needed and better for the kids

@Robbee "child development was my profession for many years, so I do know what I'm talking about."

Doesn't mean you were any good at it.

Child development has moved on rapidly, even in the last decade, so if you did this profession years ago (not clear from this post when you last worked in this profession), then your knowledge would be very outdated by now.

You are being really harsh to a newly post-partum mum who is struggling right now - shame on you.

They also fail to recognise that 'back in the day' not all people had the same experience as them, or their experience may not have been the best thing for their baby.

They also forget that 'back in the day' mothers were not ushered out of the hospital within 2 days, it was normal practice that they stayed for 5 or 6 days for a vaginal birth. I would assume longer with a C-Section, especially as 'back in the day' C-Section rates were a lot lower than they are now.

Let's not forget that everyone heals differently, and that one child is not the same as the other.
Some people just can't see beyond their own little bubble, OP, don't pay them any mind.

I'm woth Robee. Totally self centered.
This post would be my husband will not support me and I need to go back to work after 6 months because he can't afford to feed us.
Get a grip on life.

Im going back to work in 6 months anyway so really not appropriate here?
I don't care if it's self centred. Child birth is a massive big deal. Women are vulnerable and low and need support. Just because some HAVE to manage doesn't mean they should. And it's little babies who get impacted because their mothers don't feel good.

MadAboutThat - you 'd have to go back before my experience of childbirth to find new mothers stayed in hospital after delivery. Yes we were lucky - next day if born after 12 noon, same day if born before 12 noon - and that was the 60s, when depending on area, many also had no choice but home delivery if a straight forward birth was expected - including 1st child

Can your mum take some annual leave or carers leave? My mum took 3 days annual leave to basically wait on me hand and foot and though it was short, it was a bloody godsend in terms of feeling more like myself for a bit.

That may have been your experience, but from the table below (from the UK government website) you can see it was 1989 before that became the majority experience.

And that is exactly the point that I was trying to make, the 'back in my day' brigade sometimes just can't see that their experience is not absolute, and that it should not define people's expectations in today's society.

And just because some people, like yourself, did have to come out of hospital within two days and had no choice but to get on with it doesn't mean that those who have a choice now should just be grateful for the bare minimum.

What is manageable for one, might not be manageable for another.

Just seen that you have had kids. Boo for you for having it easy then.

Jesus there are some mean comments on here. I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to want a bit of support from your husband days after giving birth. He's giving the impression he just doesn't care, which is really hurtful.

@Robbee you seriously lack compassion and empathy.

You're not being of any help or support to @joao2570 on her thread.

Take the hint...