Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

Ignore the back in my day bullshit. My grandma one side had no family support but was upper class so had a nanny, cleaner and at one point cook. On the other side my nana was born into a working class family where she went to work but her mother kept the house and looked after the kids. Kids on both sides were neglected as parenting had different expectations in those days, my gran used to tell us that if a babies crying bothered us to push their prams so far down the garden we wouldn’t hear them!
You needs hired help, asap. Ring an agency and get someone next week.

I wholeheartedly agree with your first paragraph, joao. I am an elderly person but never hark back to bygone years or see them through rose tinted spectacles. Yes there were some good times but there was a heck of a lot of bad ones, struggles, poverty and cold houses, never mind societal values! Even with the current cost of living crisis, we are far better off now than back then and society is fairer.

You do need some help, you have two babies, one a newborn, and are recovering from a Caesarian. Back in the 'old days', new mothers often had family around to help, you do not. If you can afford to hire someone to come in for a few hours here and there, do some housework, maybe prepare food, do so. It will ease your burden, you can relax a bit and heal.

I am very sorry your husband is not stepping up. I would have thought two weeks off work was not too much to ask but I suppose he has his reasons; whether they are justifiable or not is debatable. You need support right now.

I do wish you well. If I knew you and lived near I'd give you a hand, I'm not much good at housework but I'd do a bit and cook something nice. Just knowing somebody is there if you need anything is reassuring.

Keep warm and try to eat some nourishing food; it doesn't have to be fancy, tasty soup is good, egg on toast, porridge, milky drinks and cups of tea are comforting. Put telly on and watch something interesting but not too demanding. There are some very relaxing youtube videos as well.

Good luck, this phase will not last forever and if you take care of yourself you will emerge stronger.

He seems like he can afford some paid help.

I’ve got 3 lo’s 4 and under it’s hard work. Smallest nearly 11 months. No help and partner works a lot so at home on my own a lot. I really do feel for you, it’s bloody hard work. It’s been a tough year.

what I’ll say though is none of us know your financial situation and maybe he needs to do it, as it is his own business. If you left him what would you gain? You’d still be alone. It sounds more like a cry for help. In the early days our hormones are all over the place, maybe things will not feel so bad when you are in a routine? Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Just get done what you need to. I already feel like I stressed too much and the time spent with my smallest has gone in a flash.

The first weeks are the hardest, it will get easier. It will seem a lot better once you heal more. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job.

Hopefully your husband will manage to make a little more time to help. Does he work from home? Would the baby settle in a sling on him while he worked?

I would see if I could stay with family

I just can't stop crying.
I have tried and tried to explain to him. It's been 10+ hour days without holidays for over a year, and I have done everything for our one year old and managed pregnancy solo, getting up every day without a day off through hospitalisations for hg, Lung infections where I could barely walk, and complete exhaustion. It's been gruelling for me too, as when he works I'm working with the children without support. He just doesn't get it.

I think I'm getting postnatal depression. I didn't ever see myself as getting paid support and it's just seeming like constant compromises on how I want to parent for the sake of his work. Not only am I going to have to outsource some childcare (and I'm worried about the impact of new faces on top of all this change) but I'm being pressured to bottle feed because breastfeeding is hard and he won't support me beyond offering a bottle or a dummy. It's just so lonely. I'm stuck on a sofa breast feeding or trying to contain my one year old. This morning, as soon as I woke up it was 'I've got 15 mins then it's a meeting' and my one year old got hurt while I was breastfeeding. I can't be the mum I want to be to either of my children. Everyone says to drop my expectations but it hurts because I just want the best for them and they're not getting it

OP do you have the option to go and stay with your parents for a bit? I think you need a break and to get away from your DH for a bit.

Sorry @Meowandthen who's angry 'luv'?

Definitely speak to your doctor as soon as you can, as while what’s going on with your mental health seems situational it can’t help to have their input. Then has he got a day of the week where he doesn’t work? Like a Sunday? Can you express enough milk for him to have both children for the day and make plans to go and use a friend’s spare bedroom to sleep, rest, and maybe plan in a nice lunch where you can talk to a friend about what’s been going on. Having the perspective of someone who knows you both might really help? Having to physically manage for 10 hours might give him some insight in to what you’ve been managing. I’m also wondering about his mum. Are you two close? Could you call and be really honest about what’s been going on and ask her for advice on how to get through to him?

@joao2570

It sounds really, really hard.

What I am trying to work out is if your DH genuinely needs to work at his business as he is the only one that can sign off / pay cheques etc or if he is a work-aholic.
If he were at a big corporate company - would he still be acting the same?

Whatever the answer, you need help, as you obviously can't rely on him.
Immediate (the next month) help would be from family.
Mid to long term help would be:
nursery / nanny
cleaner

Can your family help you? If they can't help you, please ring nurseries today.

Having help during the day for your 1 year old will massively positively impact on you.

I feel so sorry for you. I really remember feeling absolutely desperate in the perinatal period, it was awful. To get you through today, can you ask a friend or family member to come over, just to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on? Hopefully that will give you enough energy to do the next part, which is finding some extra help if your husband is refusing to step up. I also get the sense that a big part of your distress is his inability to emphathise or show you and compassion or care- sometimes having to work is unavoidable but you can still be compassionate and understanding about the impact this will have on your partner.

@joao2570 have you gotten in any help for domestic chores? That is the first thing to outsource, even before childcare: can you get someone in to do the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, help with the shopping, maybe even do some meal prep? Then if you are still tired maybe they can help a little bit with childcare

Seriously.

Get a nanny or an doula and stop punishing yourself unnecessarily.

I have a very successful friend who has a very successful husband. They have two nannies and a cleaner and are not worried one jot.

Breast feeding is hard until the first four months or so are over. Everyone feels exhausted and lonely when feeding.

Even if your husband took a full two week paternity leave and was working a 40 hour week it would still be very much you because of the breast feeding and it still would not be enough.

You have the money, hire help for your children this will benefit them hugely.

Also I have just clocked you haven’t got the 1 year old in a day nursery?!

Why on Earth not???

I had my first child in day nursery 2 days a week, with family 3 days a week from 9 months for the purposes of socialisation. I was studying and did not have time to do a baby/toddler class daily. You have a newborn so the same applies.

Sitting at home alone every day with two kids is not healthy for you or them.

Please please get nursery, nanny, cleaner.

The set up you have is unachievable unless you have free daily family help from several people.

Oh OP the postnatal period is so hard, be kind to yourself (and ignore some of the morons on this thread who have no idea). But, are you sure your DH is the problem here and not you having unrealistic expectations of yourself? I would say you absolutely 100 per cent need to get paid support... Cleaner and a nanny. I feel like you have some mad idea that you have to do everything alone or you're not a good mum. Or that a nanny will replace you in some way. She won't. A mum is special to her children in a way that no one else will ever be but children benefit so much from having a happy well-rested mum around plus the extra energy and attention of another qualified childcare professional. Everyone wins. Also nursery can be really beneficial for your older baby. I put mine in from 11 months and I have to admit she's absolutely flying at 3 in terms of her development compared to my eldest who stayed at home with me. Good luck and let go of the guilt, get help so you can enjoy this time and your babies.

Everybody gets help from people other than the Dad. It's entirely normal. Some lucky people have family and friends that can help. Others don't and pay for it.

Even if your husband took two weeks full paternity it's not going to be enough.

And speak to your health visitor or GP asap about getting help for your post natal depression.

Oh dear, you definitely sound as if you need some help, if no family nearby, it will have to be a paid nanny. There are specialist nannies who do newborns on a short term contract, get in touch with an agency. I also think you should talk to your health visitor or gp, it’s not good that you are crying all the time, it could be post natal depression. You will get through this.
I don’t think it’s right to put this all on your husband however, he’s probably trying to keep the business going to support you all that way. No employer to give him paid time off or paternity leave. I had two 13 months apart, my husband worked overseas and no such thing as paternity leave in those days, so it was hard, but you get through it and out the other side. These days it’s easier to throw some money at it if you can and that’s what I would do.

@joao2570 jesus he sounds absolutely useless, you can’t turn back the clock but you knew this was going to happen, it is mind boggling that you had a second.

• put the 1 year old in nursery
• get some paid help asap as we all keep saying
• call on friends and family I’m sure they will help
• when you’re recovered plan your steps to leave this dick unless you want your kids growing up thinking this is a normal loving relationship

Maternity leave for partners is a relatively new thing - didn't exist when my kids and grandkids were born, and we needed our partners wages. There were plenty of families with up to 6 kids, even more around too. We just got on with it - just needs a bit of organisation and planning.
Many of us didn't have family living locally either.
People from our day would frankly think mothers today with this kind of attitude were from another planet - it certainly doesn't take 2 people to care for a newborn - and same day discharges were around in those days too.
The common reply for anyone making a fuss about the extra work, tiredness, lack of "me" time (which hadn't been invented in those days anyway) and uncertainty in my day were told that many people in parts of Africa were back working in the fields with baby strapped to them straight after the birth, we didn't know how lucky we were - which was true. We certainly didn't expect perfection, we did what was maneagable and that had to suffice
We did however, expect to find it hard (no disposable nappies or tumble driers and in most cases no central heating either). We expected to be tired and to have to organise our time carefully and we also expected to have to run the house ourselves with no help from partners, including shopping, meal preparation, looking after the other kids etc, and most ordinary people didn't have 1 car, let alone one for the stay at home partner.
Life was much harder all round then than it is today, but because our expectations matched the reality we were happy and content with our lives

NOT unreasonable. Find days and times that he does everyday. He deals with 1 yr old and you deal with newborn. He can go to work when 1 yr old is at nursery come home help with tea and go later in the evening. Being self employed is that you work for yourself meaning you choose your hours. If you have to take a slight cut in money for a few days rather that than you getting pnd. You can make money but you can’t make time. Good luck

It sounds as if you could do with talking to your GP. I also agree with PP who suggested paying for help. You could just get someone to sit with you, prepare meals for the 1yo and just take the pressure off you when you need it.
i will also say — because I got very anxious about breastfeeding— that mixed feeding is fine. You are not going to harm your baby by substituting the occasional breastfeed. And if your husband could do the 10pm feed it would give him a chance to bond with the baby and give you some time for some quality sleep, which will improve your state of mind no end.

Oh do bore off with this nonsense. Most cultures recognise that the mother needs support post partum. Women supporting women is how it used to be, but yes, let's belittle and demean a woman clearly struggling.

Stop being superior enough for two minutes and perhaps recognise there's a woman struggling right now.

@joao2570 breastfeeding WILL get easier, please do not give into the pressure as switching will only make life harder (and more expensive) in the long run. Adding washing and sterilising bottles into the mix just adds more work which no doubt will be left to you to sort out. I found the first six weeks of breastfeeding really hard with both of my children but after that it got so much easier. If you stop due to pressure, you'll end up angry and resentful because of it. Your DH should be supporting in other ways, it doesn't have to relate to feeding. I'm so sorry that this situation is contributing to your mental health. I'm so angry on your behalf. I know some of the comments on here are really harsh, please ignore them. You are doing the best you can in a shitty situation and some of us really do understand and sympathise with you. My advice is to keep breastfeeding and take yourself, newborn and baby to your parents to stay for a few days. Keep posting for support xx

Jesus Christ. Which part of your post is supposed to be helpful?