Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

It is literally two whole babies, one of whom is probably mobile.

No just about it.

He's running a business which employs 50-100 people. So this is utter bullshit. He is not a struggling freelancer building up his client base. He has had 9 months to train someone well enough to manage in his absence for 7 mornings, as a bare minimum.

It's absolutely poor planning and management to suggest he can't possibly take time off.

Well quite. The CEOs of large companies worth many billions with employees in the tens of thousands have holidays. Sure they might be on call, but they take holidays. This man with his sub 100 staff can’t organise himself to take an hour.

He’s truly behaving awfully. But also you chose to have a 1 year age gap so you’d better get used to being exhausted.

Jeez luv, take your anger out on the OP’s husband, or your own.

Sorry, but if he could have planned it better and had 9 months to make a plan for the business, so could she have made a plan for help (before she was postpartum and vulnerable). This is on both of them equally, and honestly to be expected apparently.

I haven’t read all the replies but can you not just hire some help in without asking him and see how you go? I recognise there is a cost associated with that but there is also a cost associated with hubby being off work. Best wishes. It’s a hard time. I’m with you. Have had three c sections. Sending hugs.

I had a husband with a similar sized business. When I was in labour with our 2nd he brought some paperwork in with him for the ‘quiet parts’ and yes he did look at it! When I came home I employed a mother’s help’ for 2 weeks initially. We got on so well and she was so great I employed her until the children went to school. She did 3 mornings a week so I could lock myself away in my office and work from home (with my workaholic husband).

you are not being unreasonable - but if he feels unable to take time off, it will be very hard to convince him otherwise. My husband also works pretty much 24/7, and at times seems to believe that means he has no parental responsibility. It’s a tough position to be in.
You need to ensure that YOU are OK and have support so that you can be a good mummy. That support may have to come from elsewhere - your mum, mil or if you are able to, hired help. offload what you can eg. cleaning and food prep, nursery pick up. if you can just have someone for two hours a day after nursery, you can spend time with toddler while they care for baby etc.
If your husband is unable to do his bit, he needs to ensure you are still supported - just give it a go and see if it gives you breathing space. best of luck.

If you can afford a nanny or mother's help then absolutely do this.
I'm struggling to understand how he can employ around 100 people but not one of them is competent to take over for 2 weeks. That's his fault, he had 9 months to train someone. I do kind of understand that it's his business and if something goes wrong you are all going to be in trouble but as long as his employees can contact him easily it should be okay for 2 weeks (my dad had his own business and didn't take a holiday for 5 years because he didn't trust anyone else to look after the business but that's not a good role model).
I'd be really annoyed about him letting the one year old cry until you woke up. If he can wake up for work he can wake up for his child.
Is it worth taking to him? Will he understand that you are really suffering? If not then you need to think about what you want long term but please wait until you feel stronger.
I hope you get some support.

Parental leave isn’t available in lots of jobs, so it’s not uncommon for mums to just have to cope in the first weeks with a new baby. After two weeks, things aren’t going to miraculously change. You might feel rested in those two weeks, but that restfulness is going to quickly disappear anyway once he’s back at work after two weeks.

You’re not being unreasonable to be upset, but unfortunately this is something you need to get used to.
Youre lucky that your husband (from what I can gather..) is only working 1-2 hours a day?
So, in reality, he has cut his hours to support you and isn’t working full time and leaving you alone all the time.

I also have a 1 year old and 10 week old so I know how hard it is, but it is ultimately the decision you made.

My husband was due to start a new job the day after I gave birth (extremely unlucky circumstances that couldn’t be helped) and therefore only had 1 week off. He works 9 hours a day, 5 days a week and I am alone at home with the children apart from 4 hours one day, when the oldest goes to nursery. We cannot afford help or extra nursery hours.

so, from my opinion you’re lucky that your husband is home almost most of the day and you can afford to work like this - it’s unusual for most.

Unfortunately it is something you are just going to have to get used to and get on with - the more stressed you get about it the harder it will be.

take one day at a time. As long as the kids are fed and watered and still alive at the end of the day, everything else can (and will) wait.

When we had our children we were both self employed/running companies and there was no such thing as paternity leave.
I had no family to fall back on either but I got through and you will too . Yes its hard but we are made of 'strong stuff' .
Trust me, going it alone is much harder ! I did in the end and keeping all the balls in the air was horrendous.

Are you married to a farmer? Sounds very typical of farming families xx

So sorry you are going through this and not able to enjoy this wonderful time of getting to know your baby. Trouble is a lot of men do not realise how exhausting, both mentally and physicall, giving birth is. Do you have a close friend who might be able to stay over for a few nights or perhaps you could ask you mum to take some A/L from her job. MIL might love to have the older DC stay over to help out but be frightened of interfering. Don't be afraid to ask. Good luck.

If he’s not willing or is unable to
take time off to support you in looking after the children and healing after birth could you afford to hire some help such as a nanny for a short while?

Literally fuck everyone with these replies.
Bunch of arseholes.

Bringing a child into the world took the two of you and even if you knew it would be hard work, you can still ask for help.

I hope you can hire additional help & I hope your husband is on board with it.

I’m sure you’re doing a great job. Be kind to yourself 🤍
Also (as hard as it is) try and be understanding & kind to your husband, too. Work & financial stress is a lot to deal with too, he probably is being narrow minded not considering how hard postpartum and motherhood is. Be there for each other & listen to how you’re both feeling.

Glad you’ve had some positive advice on here and not just a load of tits asking why you’ve had the baby.
Omg it makes me angry 😂😂😂

take care OP

Xxxxxx

I really do feel for you. But 'taking maternity leave' is an employee's right. The boss doesn't have rights. No chance of family support? Even paid support? Sounds like the size of business that should make the owner rather more than 'employee' money when it's going well.

Some people, men and women, really do have important occupations, where they simply must work. Not being available is not an option. These people are usually very well paid. Only you OP know if your DH falls in this category. If he doesn’t and he is not fulfilling some contract, etc etc, then he is being unreasonable not to help you. He seems to have form for not helping so you have to find ways to cope with this. Leaving him, for this reason alone, is only going to make your situation worse. Can you speak to a health care professional, GP etc as you may need extra meds? You sound (understandably) a bit low. Apart from that I can only suggest what everybody else has said, get help from any relative, friend or home help, but try not to focus your resentment on your DH especially if he had no option but to work. Paternity leave does not exist for the self employed.

All this.

Agree with PP pay for help/ more nursery etc.

If he’s truly able to take 2 weeks off then he should do so.

Having said that, my #2 was born on Tuesday, home on Thursday and DH at work Friday. Neither of us had any paid time off and he worked in a job where he made money in summer, off a lot in winter, so financially we didn’t have a choice.

My son's dad took the two weeks paternity and went on holiday after I had a c-section. So could be worse OP

I wonder if he’s hiding behind work to duck out of looking after a new born due to fear of not knowing what to do with one so small & vulnerable? Or simply doesn’t understand how gruelling it is for you? I say this since you mentioned he acted this way when your first child was born.
Other Dads (not all) are capable of organising 2 weeks paternity leave no matter what their jobs entail, is just a matter of prioritising. You and your children should be his top priority right now, especially as it’s affecting your mental wellbeing. I hope you get through to him for all your sakes. Enjoy your new baby as much as you can meanwhile.

Seems he will be better off alone.

The man needs to work.