Dh works all the time - Ruining my maternity

[joao2570]

My dh runs a business and at the moment, it needs a lot of attention.

But I need a lot of attention too. 8 days ago I had our second baby, and we have a 1 year old too. We've had issues latching which are just resolving and my one year old has been a bit tearful and clingy.

My dh has not taken 2 weeks paternity leave. His reasoning is he just can't. He said he would do the minimum an hour or so a day but it's been lots more. I've been crying every day because I'm so exhausted and hormonal and I feel exhausted after 2 mins with my one year old.

It's turning into lots of hours here or there that I am alone with both children. Today my 1 year old is at nursery, so dh only had to have him a couple of hours in the morning. He's slept upstairs while I've been up all night with the newborn.

Our one year old woke up early and dh left him to cry and woke up me and newborn. On top of that he wants me to have both for an hour this morning so he can work before he takes 1 year old to nursery.

Im exhausted. I only get his help for 2 weeks and I haven't even got that. I'm ready to leave him as I feel work always comes first. I have 2 little children and I don't want them to feel like this either. When my first was born, he did the same thing. I'm still not over it as I was just left on my own looking after a baby while he worked in the other room and expected me to make him lunch!

I'm not asking for much, just the 2 weeks paternity leave so I can heal and be a good mum to my children. Aibu for just wanting my partner to not work and prioritise us for 2 weeks? I feel like he's ruining my maternity both times with this.

@Robbee your post isn't helpful but you may find some similar company with the four Yorkshiremen.

Just you. Again.

Sorry but leaving him would simply mean you were alone even more. Yes he is unreasonable and you need help. Did you plan 2 children so close together as it is a huge undertaking without support. Have you no one who could help in anyway? Sorry but remember you can't change him you can only change how you react to him.

When my kids were born same day discharges from hospitals was the norm, depending on authority. Home births were rare in our area, some areas required all low risks to be home births.
Other young mums nearby were the support group - not family. If someone gave birth other young mums would offer to wash the nappies for the 1st week - no disposables. We formed babysitting groups - tit for tat on times, we walked our babies together each day, we spent time in each others houses for coffee etc and formed life long friends that way.
My husband had to work 2 jobs to cover my loss of income - he took the older baby (15 months between them) for a walk with the dog when he came home while I fed the newborn, grabbed a quick meal then worked all evening at his 2nd job
In the mornings I got up around 5-6, whenever the baby woke for her feed, fed, bathed her and into the pram, outside as soon as it was light enough - our babies were put out in the fresh air as often as possible. Then got the older one up, washed, breakfasted and into his playpen while I got on with chores.
Out for a walk next, toddler on the pramseat, shopped, visited neighbours for coffee, and once the baby was 6 months old, took both kids swimming with other mums - walking a couple of miles each way with steep hills, or same walk into nearby town to the narket etc. Not a chore in the company of other mums and babies, and most families didn't have 1 car, let alone 2.
Back home for lunch - baby still asleep if lucky, and then nap for the toddler, feed and play for the baby before she had a nap, playtime with toddler.
Clinic every Monday - more like a mum and baby /toddler playgroup, but with nurses and midwives - good time out.
Probably one of the most enjoyable times of my life - none of the pressures of being employed
You will understand that, as for most of the population money, was scarce, and the idea of paying for help was ludicrous, as it is for the vast majority today

Just to add my children were born in the sixties, fortnights in hospital after giving birth only happened if there were compliications

It's he scared of tiny babies? Scared of the consequences of not working, either the financial hit you'll take or missed opportunities to grow the business? Or is he just dumb and unaware? I highly doubt it's the last one but it's a conversation you're going to have to have today. He can still take paternity leave even if it's after the initial two weeks.
You must be clear in communicating your exhaustion. New mums must be selfish because if you're not in a fit state you're in no state to care for another human being
Good luck and I hope you get rested soon.

Please take the 'it was different in my day' comments with a punch of salt. The modern world has ripped the heart out of communities and very few people have a network of other mums in their lives, mat leave is precious and short then you're back to it. Of course it helps to know you're not the only one but it doesn't help much if you can't change that and if you're feeling lonely and overwhelmed. Do what you need to do to get through for your sake and the sake of your children.

Contact your midwife or health visitor now!

This, 10000 times. What's the point of earning money if you don't use it to save yourself from a very distressing situation? Your husband owns a company with 50-100 employees? Surely he can afford to hire a nanny or even a temporary au pair kind of helper for the initial days, especially as he is refusing to help you? Why are you not insisting on it? I don't get this fear of new face, we are all new faces for that young a child - and it's the least point to worry about compared to a possible breakdown from the mother?

OP, your posts have made me almost cry. I am from a culture where every new mom has a support system for at least a couple of months so this whole situation in uk where new moms are left alone is horrifying to me. I don't know how you all do it!

Please ignore the we had it harder in my day types. Get some paid help and yourself to the GP’s. I once wheeled my baby into the waiting room and told a GP receptionist that I felt really depressed. I was seen straight away.

Can you get a
Maternity nurse in to help?

I think the content of Robbee's "we had it harder" post really exemplifies the difference in community support between then and now. I'm sure if the OP had a local network of other mums popping over, and supportive neighbours she could visit every day for a coffee, she wouldn't be feeling quite like this! But things are very different these days, the OP doesn't have this, so these comparisons are really unhelpful.

Really not @Meowandthen but you have a great day hun 😂

Cardboardbox24 - that's true, but we created that network by getting to know other expectant mums and being friendly and helpful towards them during our antenatal classes. We didn't in most cases know them beforehand when we were out at work all day - we didn't see many people by the time we got home from work. We created the friendship groups because we were expecting around the same time - probably the only thing we had in common. The group was broad, from girls who worked on the looms in the nearby Mill to a professors wife, who came from a very rich family herself - no room for snobbishness, not quite our sort of people etc, had to mix with everyone, whatever their status and affluence if its going to work.
Having the babies was the thing that linked us - we then had to put ourselves out to make friends within that cohort - and yes, it certainly made life easier and happier. I really don't know why all young mums wouldn't do this today. Certainly some do.

Hello love. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. My baby is now 10 weeks old but 8 weeks ago I was in a very similar boat to you - tearful non stop, finding everything overwhelming, feeling like a complete failure to my older child. My midwife referred me to my perinatal mental health team and they have been AMAZING. Nothing has ever been too much trouble for them and their support has just felt like a total weight off. They are so understanding and caring even if I just want to ring them and vent. Please don't be scared to reach out for help. They can talk to your husband too and create a support plan that works for the both of you. It will get better please hang in there. Sending you a MASSIVE hug xxx

My exh did this. It neatly killed me. I left him when they were 8 and 10.. so therefore preventing him ruining all of our lives.

I think you've missed the fact that the OP's baby is less than 2 weeks old. Yes it's great to have a load of mum friends etc, but generally people are at home for the first 2 weeks. New mums are not generally going for walks and out for coffee with 3 days old babies.
Anyway it has always been really hard to have 2 children under 2 with no support. Having some mum friends doesn't help you to give attention to your toddler when your baby is breastfeeding for hours each day. The only thing that really helps there is close family or paid help in the home.

@Robbee I think the point your missing is ante-natal classes are generally only offered for the first baby.
Any mum friends the Op made with her first baby are likely to be back at work, struggling trying to keep their own house in order never mind help with someone else's.

For most new mums those first weeks it's DH and their own mum or Mil who's giving practical support not friends from baby groups..

I 100% get this. I had my daughter 4 years ago. I slept with her every night whilst he slept in the spare room peacefully all night whilst I was up all night. He should be spending the two weeks bonding with your baby. That's what paternity leave is for.
It seems to be so common that men do this but it's not ok. You must be absolutely exhausted with a 1 year old as well. I don't really have any advice, i just want to say that i went through the same thing and i think that men are sometimes really just unthinking, selfish and they have no idea what it's like to parent 24 hours a day.
I hope you are OK.

Firstly whos idea was it to have another baby when you child is only 1? especially with the fact you struggled with paternity with the first child?

Secondly, it's his own business- he can't take paternity this is very normal. This all should be factored in deciding when to have children.

If you can afford it, get a mothers help. Or a night nanny so at least you get some sleep.

Outsource- get a housekeeper who can help you out a couple hours every few days with cleaning washing organising.

Oh sweetheart, it's really rough. Little one, new born, C Section and no sleep. Anyone would be on their knees. You need some help. If it's not DH then paid help it is. It won't last forever and if 6-12 weeks help gets you out the trenches then it will be worth every penny. Be gentle with yourself you are doing amazingly.
Yes your DH should be stepping up but I doubt you have the energy to fight him right now. But I if he resists the nanny idea then have a full on meltdown. I'm married to a workaholic too and I'm generally tough and capable but my DC nearly broke me, they just expect you to carry on and on and on and it's only when you completely lose the plot at them, they start listening......

If you have older children it's pretty common to be up and out and about with a very young baby. School runs, day to day things like shopping and after school activities don't stop because a new baby is born.

This is the most testing time for you, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, healing etc...mainly your hormones will make you feel shit too with emotions...
You need to seriously have a chat with him to ask for more support...if he can't then ask a family member or a friend to see you through these early days.
Only do the minimum don't go doing chores and making yourself tired...rest as much as possible... housework can wait.
Eat/drink properly to gain strength.
Make sure you got some moral support even if it's on the phone.

Veterinary CareAssistant - you are so right. Certainly in my day we did - having a baby is not an illness, so unless the baby has a health problem or after a cesarean etc, it's back to normal as far as what you are fit to do. It certainly happens today too - a fellow flyballer turned up to flyball practice with 2 year old and 1 day old baby. Quick breast feed between runs and the 2 year old "helped" with changing jump heights.
It was mid winter in an indoor riding school arena - baby and toddler wore ear defenders, a must for anyone who knows what it's like at flyball.
Think what Jane Tomlinson did to raise money while dying from breastcancer - it puts a normal childbirth and normal newborn into perspective
Each person has to decide for themselves what they want to do, how they want to tackle things, what to leave aside so as to fit in the things important to you.
As to paid help etc - most can't afford it, though I must admit I don't see many posts on here from families where both parents work full time and they are still having to rely on food and clothing banks just to survive or even those who can just about scrape by on their own but who still don't have anything spare from one week to the next.
I suspect the majority on here are out of touch with the reality of ordinary people's lives