DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

I'm immediately suspicious of any man swanning around and declaring himself a "feminist".

He doesn’t get to ‘put you in the doghouse’ OP, you’re an adult.
What if you tried calmly saying the following?

’I can’t continue with in our marriage the way it is. I’m very unhappy. I am working really hard, with long hours, shouldering more financial burden, and still doing the majority of the childcare and housework. I need there to be a more equal split, and I also need my voice to be heard about issues such as the dishwasher, which is an example of something which would make my share of the housework more manageable. In addition to that, I need to be heard and taken seriously when I raise concerns about our relationship, our family life and how burned out I feel - not to have you roll your eyes at me, or accuse me of being defensive or twisting the situation.
‘I can’t and won’t continue with our relationship on the current basis.’

Have courage OP, make yourself heard. You can do this because you have grit - a person who is able to do the job that you do whilst also carrying your family and home has grit. You can’t live the rest of your life according to what other people might think.

Annoyed by the sloe gin. Go tell him to fuck himself every which way, get out of your house, and get out of your life.

Grateful?? Being part of a good team does not include gratitude for the other half of the team doing their share. 🙄

FINISH THE BOTTLE!

😈😈😈

(Or hide it and pretend you have . . . )

The wisdom of your choice is undeniable.

We have a dishwasher, because Mr Viper (who washed up once a week, after the horrors of full Sunday dinner preparation) wanted one.

I have to admit that I also use it, and if anyone tried to take it I would tear off their arms . . .

@Marthawhochanged Have you looked at the Table Top Dishwasher? I have a 16" wide Electriq brand that sits on my draining board. Pour water in the tank and the hose drains into the sink. Absolute gem. Not a single argument about washing up, ever.
Buy through a cashback website to make it even better.

God, some people's standards really are in the toilet.

Jesus that’s one low bar.

@MargotBamborough and @Mirabai

You are right of course and thankfully my standards aren't really this low, which is why I've had to bring up my DD on my own for the last few years (it's easier than having to deal with a selfish, lazy 'woe is me' man-baby). Just feeling down, exhausted and cold today and would appreciate any kind of help I suppose.

I still stand by the need for OP to get a dishwasher though.

A pp mentioned your thread from a few months ago. I just found it and I remember it. What an awful, awful man. Overwhelming YANBU on that one as well and everyone was saying the same as they are now, including telling you he doesn’t get to forbid you from buying a dishwasher. The point was also made that your children will grow up thinking that this is a normal way for a man to treat his wife.

Here you are several months on, not mentioning some of his horrible behaviour that you described before, and asking again if you’re being unreasonable, when everyone told you previously that you’re not.

What is keeping you stuck here?
Are you going to wait until you have a breakdown of your physical or mental health?

I do not understand how so many men are still walking around with their dicks intact.

Dishwasher and a divorce. Not necessarily in that order.

Yes - when I saw the posts about him feeling "emasculated", I have to admit that my mind went straight to the garden shears . . . 😈

It's ironic Op that you work hard in an area which benefits women and yet you've become a bit blind to the reality of your own life. A man only gets away with telling you what you can and can't have if you let him. He's happy to benefit from your extra money and yet still leaves you to do so much more in the house. I know no one ever died from doing the washing up but this is one of those straw breaking the camel's back moments, so many posters on here start with something trivial and go on to list far, far bigger problems that show abuse/control. Bugger dishwashers Op, is this the life you want to be living, and if not, what are you going to do about it?

😂😂

@AppelationStation you said: He does what he's asked to?

Who asks him? Who decides what he should be asked to do?

What gives him the right of veto on the purchase of a dishwasher?

It doesn't sound much like an equal partnership.

I’d start with how he constantly ignores your feelings, letting you do a massively long day then still sitting on his arse while you wash up at 10pm because he threw some broccoli in a fucking pan! Come on! Is he still sulking over the sloe gin? Jesus Christ.

Dishwasher and Beagle asap

This. OP, I've also had a look at your previous posts about your charmer of a DH. I know one of your concerns was taking his father away from your son, but really - I'd be more afraid of the impact on your son of this massive twat's behaviour towards you.

You work in a field where you'd be telling a woman describing your scenario that she was the victim of coercive and financial control.

Only a right twat would call themselves a feminist in the first place.

I have never heard a man come out with such utter shite.

What hole in the ground do these men crawl out of for some poor woman to actually take them on?

I think STFU is a reasonable response to such twittering on🙄

"I'm ordering a dishwasher and you can choose to use it or not."

And just to be clear, he is a massive useless twat. What exactly does he add to your life apart from a load of stress and extra work?

HE should be in the dog house not you. Tell him to go stick his sloes up his arse and go out for the evening. Tell him it will give him some time to catch up on his feminist reading or broker some peace deals.

How do you know everyone thinks so highly of him. I am sure anyone who knows the situation would be feeling very sorry for you indeed. He honestly comes across as a total twat head.

@butterycrispness your post made me laugh. Thanks for that.

"Go and broker some peace deals" is definitely going in the bank.

Yeah my friends husband is a “great guy”
and fun and a “good guy”. He is also a selfish self involved controlling insecure bully.