DH: CF or massive Tw*t?

[AppelationStation]

I'll try to keep it brief.

Worked a 14 hour day yesterday (Monday) with travel to London for meetings. Worked from home today, finishing after 6.30pm because my Chair needed a meeting. Whilst working from home I did both school runs, took the sick dog to the vets, nipped to the shop and made the contents of a pie for tea in my lunch break. Had some flex in my hours because of yesterday but still a full on day. I sat down for 20 mins at 2ish and fell asleep for 10 of them.

Because my trustee meetings went on into the evening, I asked DH, when he got home, to assemble pie, make some mash and boil broccoli. He did so.

Because I didn't cook all of the dinner, he insisted it was my turn to wash the pots. He refuses to have a dishwasher. Usually I cook, he washes. Today he had to do some cooking, so for him it follows I do the dishes. Finished them about 11.

For context, DH does a stress free job he loves that earns just above minimum wage. I am an underpaid CEO in a small non profit that works at the sharp end with people who are homeless and/or domestic abuse survivors. I earn 30% more than he does, have way more responsibility, and still do most of the life admin/ school runs/ cooking /housework. He's a great 'fun dad', around the house, does what he's asked to, rolls his eyes if I dare to complain and considers himself a feminist.

Is he just a bog standard CF husband? Or in serious Massive Twat territory? I genuinely think my current workload will kill me early. He doesn't seem to care.

That wasn't as brief as I intended.

So basically you’re married to a man who is a big kid and thinks you’re his mum!

Buy a dishwasher for you, a cook book for him, write out the route to and from school so he can take the kids to and from school and if he doesn’t like it, what’s he going to do? Run back home to his “real” mum? He has way too much of a cushy life with you!

He’s a CF and a c*nt!

Oh and since he’s now not using his marigolds for dishes, he can use them for cleaning!

My dh cooked for 10 last night and cleared up and loaded the dishwasher.. Not a big deal just how our home rolls... You my mn friend need a new patio come the new year.. Or do a Den and serve him papers for Christmas.. He sounds like a glorified lodger.

Can we crowdfund you a dishwasher? I’d happily bung you a quid, as I suspect many women on this thread would, and get it delivered and installed too. And chuck in a bottle of

Lighthearted, obviously. But you deserve to know people care about you.

Christ there are some low bars on here - from being grateful to have a man who does only marginally more than nothing to thinking rolling a pastry top on a prepared pie is a big ask, it’s no wonder there are still so many utterly useless manchildren making life miserable for so many women.

A man who does barely more than nothing is still adding to the wife work.

A man being feted for rolling some pastry is still adding to the wife work.

A man who refuses a domestic appliance because it’s not his preference but would make his wife’s life easier is still adding to wife work.

For those of you who are happy with the bar being in hell, don’t you at least want better for your children and their future relationships? Why condition them to more of the same?

Yes @NoSquirrels I think we would all crowdfund this dishwasher!!

I hope @AppelationStation enjoyed the illicit gin!

Another vote for him being a serious twat, sorry! Him considering himself a feminist despite the very disrespectful act of eye rolling and selfish entitled behaviour smacks of a complete lack of self awareness and of selfishness. I’m sorry and I hope you get a rest and some more help and understanding. Also hope your dog is ok.

😂😂😂

The entire thread could have ended after this comment. Well said.

@AppelationStation the other factor you’ve left out on this thread is that despite earning more than your husband, he has significant savings which you have no access to, because you pay for the majority of expenses as your husband is too tight to spend properly on basics like school uniform, kids clothes or household goods.

You asked for feedback last time and clearly decided to maintain the status quo despite the clear contempt and financial abuse.

You need to ask yourself how much more you are willing to tolerate from a man who does not care for you, only for what you do for him and his bank balance for very little happiness in return.

I really feel for you, OP. I was with a man like this so I know exactly how maddening his type is. They want all the kudos of being a good guy without any of the work, and then think they have the moral high ground with their talk of "fairness" and "feminism".

My story is that I split up with him, and have had a great life doing my own thing ever since. I couldn't believe how free I felt as soon as we split up. He went on to have another child, repeated the exact same thing, and is now a stressed out, grumpy single dad. My DC has little respect for him, as he can see exactly how selfish, lazy, and mean he is.

I would suggest giving your DH an ultimatum. Either he becomes a true partner and shares the load equally, or you are off. If he has two brain cells he will realise that being a weekend single dad on the minimum wage is not going to be much fun and he should start to compromise on cleaners, dishwashers, and doing more stuff himself PDQ.

Same 👆

Aah, I remember that thread. I thought he was a twat then but this compounds it.

OP - look we can advise you on dishwashers and cleaners and 50/50 but the bottom line is you’re living with someone who doesn’t care about you at all. He is massively self-centred, self-indulgent and lazy and you have been enabling and subsiding his lifestyle out of love and meekness.

The only way to deal with this is to leave. You will find a huge weight lifted. Your son can still see his dad, that doesn’t have to change.

Massive twat.

Why is he boss of kitchen appliances? Dont just get one dishwasher, get 2!

The thing is, everyone thinks so highly of him, I think I must be the problem. We once did one of thise personality type things for a laugh and his came out as the same as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. It's become a family joke.

He's a very calm, mild mannered, non confrontational man. (Read also: emotionally avoidant.). I am outwardly quite confident and laugh at myself for being a chippy gobshite. No one looking from the outside in would imagine he's kind of quietly, weirdly, tyrannical.

I can't imagine what my life would look like outside our marriage. I already don't really have one (apart from my job).

Someone upthread asked how I felt with the almost unanimous feedback. Sad.

But he’s not actually any of those things is he - otherwise you would be able to have a fair and reasonable conversation with him. You can’t.

He pretends to be these things, which is very different.

Your life outside your marriage would be easier, calmer and nicer. You’d be able to have your dishwasher. Spend money as you want to. Not have to me a mum for a grown man who thinks you should be grateful he exists.

But OP you’re the only one who is married to him. It doesn’t matter what other people think of him - they don’t live with him. You’re the only one living your life. You only get one, and it doesn’t have to be like this. I know it’s sad, and hard. I would advise you to think really seriously about what a separation would look like, what your life would be like without him, free to make your own choices and live how you want to live. And try and be honest with yourself about whether, aside from the initial sadness of splitting, it would feel better or worse.

They're the ones raising the future selfish, useless manchildren.

If you could be happier with him, what do you need from him?

@AgnesX
I was implying that OP was very busy.
It's known as reading between the lines.

No one looking from the outside in would imagine he's kind of quietly, weirdly, tyrannical.

Yeah they would. I thought that from your summer thread when it was not laid out as it is here. Women know absolutely that some guys can come across as nice and laid back in public and be cunts at home.

Your life is the one you are currently living minus a HUGE amount of hassle, extra work, enforced financial parsimony and resentment. All the good stuff without the backbreaking grind.

You will have much more time to create your life as you want to live it when you’re not wasting energy mothering this narcissist.

ignoring his request has made him feel like I dont care about his feelings.

So a manipulative lazy twat?

Who made him boss? get a dishwasher, up to him if he uses it or not. Order one now.

I dont know what I'm going to say to him this evening. I'm in the doghouse, and anything negative I say will be seen as me being defensive or twisting things.

his came out as the same as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King.

Would you want to be married to either of them? Certainly not MLK.

Horrible as it is I think this thread should be a wake up. You know about the boiling frogs, you know the shapes bad marriages can come in, you do know. You've just been in denial and now the cognitive dissonance is too strong.

There may be something that can be saved. But you need much better boundaries and to be much more assertive. If you can't do that, it's probably over.

Just BTW, I know from personal experience that a lot of us are in the field because of less than ideal childhoods. Any domineering men in your past?

But why are you in the doghouse? I genuinely don't understand.

What is it that he thinks you have done wrong?