To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

1: you shouldn't have been 50/50 on bills if his income was significantly greater then yours it should be based on a ratio if not having a joint account.

2: the point of being in a partnership is to be able to rely on each other through tough times

3: what is he proposing after all your savings have run out???

My DH has been through 3 redundancies (2 before we were married) due to downturn in industry. I paid all the bills until he was working again he used some savings for 1 off things which weren't too much so he sorted the car insurance, his phone and Netflix as things were quite tight.

I wouldn't dream of asking him to run down savings whilst I merrily sat with money coming in each month

Good luck with everything, OP. I hope a job opportunity comes up soon. Trying to find a permanent job at this time of year is a nightmare, the whole system starts slowing down in preparation for the Christmas break.

Please don't discount your partner's response. I think that the way a partner behaves around money is a massive indicator of other attitudes and behaviours. I think failure to offer you support when something like this (not your fault, not your responsibility) happens is a major issue. Particularly if, as you say, he earns so much more than you that it wouldn't cause him hardship. I would never encourage any woman to spend her emergency fund on day to day expenses if there was any other alternative. Every woman should have a secret stash just in case she should ever need to make a run for it. Please talk to him and please make sure you're married before having his baby. I know things are different in Denmark and that there will be state support for you — but having known other foreigners living there with Danish partners, I know it's not always the lovely liberal, generous place it likes to make itself out to be.

Okay, we had a long chat.

He said he’s happy to cover 95% of the bills, with me chipping in 5% towards ‘fun money’ for hobbies, going out, etc from freelance money. Drew up a spreadsheet with all the outgoings in it, and we worked out we’ll have about £500-1,000 leftover after bills are paid if we tighten our belts (he also gets a tax rebate now I’m not working).

He also said he’s happy to get married next week if it makes me feel more secure. It has no bearing on my ability to be here, and I’m not super into marriage, but I’m okay going to the town hall and registering.

He said he’s sorry I felt stressed over this. He said he assumed I’d get a new job by January, and I’d have more freelance opportunities, and that I wouldn’t want him to interfere in my finances. He doesn’t want to touch my emergency fund.

re: ‘my’ IVF fund. He paid for a bathroom renovation, I saved for IVF ‘back up’ if tThe 3 state attempts didn’t work out. They cost the same.

Re: income discrepancies. He got his big raise in April. Before that, we earned more or less the same. I was freelancing a lot at the time too as well as my regular job, so we earned roughly the same. It’s only in the last month or two that my freelance work dried up.

I'm so glad for you! Thank you for the update and good luck with the IVF. I hope it all works out for you and that you find a decent job soon.

Thank you :)

I have a second interview tomorrow for a job in my field so I’ve got my fingers crossed!

Well that’ll take the wind out of the “he’s awful you must leave him” people’s sails

Good that things seem to be moving in a positive direction.

However, I'm concerned about your somewhat laissez faire attitude to marriage:
I’m not super into marriage, but I’m okay going to the town hall and registering
You really need to get your head around this. As a non-citizen you are potentially vulnerable if unmarried. There are all kinds of legal and financial implications - inheritance, pensions, division of assets on divorce, being next of kin.......

Being married means you are officially a team. No way would I have children abroad if not married.

I think your husband is quite right…but EVERYTHING should be 50/50, including the care of his child. I am very afraid I would be saying this to him!

I cannot believe that you are so desperate to have a child that you are not thinking carefully. You are deliberately making yourself vulnerable. You have time, you are 33. Please dont have a kid with someone who sees you like a flatmate. Ive been a single parent, its really really hard!

Selfish man. Don't have a child with him

I'm delighted your conversation has been so successful. Crossing fingers and toes for a new job, new baby and new husband in the coming weeks and months !

So happy it's worked out, it did sound like a big conversation would give you the answers you needed - glad that it was a 'getting on the same page' conversation and not a 'we have completely different views of our relationship' one!

Very best of luck for your 2nd interview!

Good luck OP! Glad you had a quality conversation!

Sounds like it all went really well. I'm glad 😁

Good luck with your job interview and IVF 💐

I’m glad you and DP talked and sorted things out.

great update - maybe it was a miscommunication initially

really pleased for you OP.

definitely consider marriage if you are planning kids - it has a host of benefits and securities beyond the nice big parties. A lot of people I know did town hall and 2 witnesses and did the big party later on…

How do you think this is working in reality. Many carers have to give up work in order to care. The only income on the UK is carers allowance in that case paid at £76.75 per week. How would someone in this situation shoulder the 50/50 financial share??!

I'm pleased the situation seems to have been sorted and wish you luck with your job interview.

I see someone above has urged you to think extremely carefully about your and your child's situation and to get married, which will give you greater rights in the future. I used to know an Australian woman who'd met her Danish partner in Australia, had two children with him there, then gone to live in Denmark for a few years for his work and found herself with very limited rights. She'd assumed Denmark would be a good place for her: it wasn't, partly because they weren't married. Denmark looks after Danes but as you're already observed, it's not wild about incomers.

Can you imagine getting sacked in the UK for not being a "cultural fit" !!! 😳
Leave that place and come home

During probation, yep I’m sure it happens

This!

Have I missed the bit where she’s pregnant

@slaggybumbum did you read what @Notsurewhatnext wrote? She said she has a severely disabled child and she earns a fraction. Do you expect her DH to work part time? So he can look after the child the other half? @slaggybumbum