To stop paying 50/50 after being fired

[Copenhagener]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We’ve always split things 50/50 (bills, mortgage, food) and then kept the rest of our paychecks to spend as we like. We were both good earners in corporate jobs and took home approximately the same, until this year when he got a new job and a massive raise.

We don’t have children yet (going through IVF).

In October, I was fired from a new job for not being ‘the right cultural fit’. I’ve never been unemployed before.

We live in his country, and I’m not eligible for any benefits, or I will never be able to become a citizen. I have enough from my last pay check to last me until January.

The job market is really rough, and I’m not getting any offers right now despite applying and networking hard. Before, I was fighting off job offers :(

I’ve saved up about £10,000 through freelance work over the past couple of years in an emergency fund. Unfortunately; the freelance work is also drying up.

My partner wants me to use that emergency fund money so we both still pay 50/50, like if I still had a job, and he wouldn’t have to increase his share of the bills/mortgage. I’m happy to put some of my savings into bills/mortgage, but feel he should shoulder more of the burden for now, until I get a new job. He can cover it all using his paycheck alone, and still have some money leftover.

The savings are my emergency fund / IVF fund if our state-funded IVF fails.

He’s from a culture where men and women tend to split everything 50/50.

Who is in the right here?

So meant to say this is really something to think about and how he’ll be during pregnancy and maternity leave

If you've got to wait at least 4 more years to get citizenship @Copenhagener can you not just wait one more after that and therefore be able to have the 4 months of benefits as an option in case you don't get a new job quickly?

Even if he's a great cook, I do think it's taking the piss a bit if you're not working to not increase your share of household duties.

As usual the first post generally nails it.

You deserve better OP

If he is like this when it is just the two of you, don't want to imagine when you are reliant on him during maternity leave or the kid needs anything. He can support you in this time even to alleviate the stress on you, particularly when going through IVF when you need to be as relaxed as possible. Like others have said, I would be on the next plane home and leave him to it.

• Unmarried after 10 years together
• living overseas
• no opportunity for citizenship in the country you’re residing in
• partner making it very clear that you’re not a partnership in your time of financial need, having previously contributed equally for 10 years

Nothing about this situation bodes well for you I’m sorry to say OP. Please be very, very careful. You are in such a vulnerable situation and if you do have a baby and the relationship doesn’t work out, you most likely won’t be able to leave the country you’re in with your child.

I won’t say LTB as most people have already said this - but he does sound questionable. Seems your desire to have a child come first tho OP so good luck. I actually also work for danish company (over 15 years) and they have solid laws about just firing you because they want to - I would check your rights.

Yes, I do mean spouse. Sorry

However it's the OP who will be going through the IVF and is being financially screwed disadvantaged here

Are you not a member of an A-kasse? I think the vast majority of Danes (and anyone who works) are. If you have been paying in to an A-kasse for I think 2 years then you get a higher rate of dagpenge. I don’t think this counts as social security benefits so worth checking out.

OP I think there are 2 possible scenarios.

Scenario 1: he's fundamentally self-interested, doesn't view this as a partnership - this is bad bad news and especially as you're considering having his child, for reasons PP have said.

Scenario 2: he's just not thought about the bigger picture that much. He fundamentally likes the idea of an equal partnership but hasn't reflected on what that means in a lifelong relationship where you are no longer just partners for fun dates and sharing financial commitments like bills, but you're also committing to support each other through whatever life throws at you, and perhaps parent together. This can never really be a 50:50 split, how would you quantify the sacrifices you've made moving to his country or potentially carrying his child? If he's just going by what instinctively feels fair and hasn't thought it through, you need to have that conversation.

Good luck OP. I'm from a Scandinavian culture myself and IMO Scenario 2 is very common. We pride ourselves on gender equality but it still isn't equal, and I think we tend to have very black-and-white views on many things without probing. Also, I only know about my country and assume from your username you're in Denmark which is generally harsher, but have you absolutely triple checked about eligibility for benefits? Do you have any unemployment insurance fund (A-kassa in Sweden - it's not a state benefit but an insurance that most union members pay into)?

Paying into an A-kasse is unemployment insurance in Denmark - I hope you were told about the importance of having this cover by your partner as Danish companies are relatively easy able to fire people in the initial period of employment

Crosspost with @Asurvivor re A-kasse. Hope you have this OP! I'd be absolutely astonished if this counts as benefits or impedes your right to citizenship in any way.

She wouldn’t be if she had paid into A-kasse like everyone else. My dh was paid for a whole year.

If men had the ability to get pregnant and the man in question was in the process of undergoing IVF then I imagine the replies would be pretty similar. But given that men can’t get pregnant, with the associated health risks both during and after the pregnancy, plus the need to physically take at least some time out of work to, you know, give birth and recover…well, I’d say they’re not remotely comparable scenarios.

Run like mad to the airport and don’t look back.

Don't have a child with this man, your lives will be hell.

50/50
I'd be annoyed though

He is in the wrong. A partnership means a joining together to share fortunes. One of you picks up the slack when the other is ill or busy or struggling and that works both ways. You both work to your strengths and what you bring to the relationship may vary over time.

In this case you've been fired not just left because you can't be bothered. You're trying to find other jobs not just leach off him

If you can't rely on your partner when things are tough then it's not even a relationship is it? It's a house share or busienss deal.

You don't have to leave him. If you are potentially infertile and desperate for a baby, carry on as you are.

I'm going against the grain here for two major reasons:
OP can get three rounds of IVF for free
Childcare is fully funded.

Just be aware that he will not support you - you will essentially be a single parent when it comes to finances, with him being a flat-mate who helps with half of the costs, and half the housework. This is probably better than being a single parent living alone.

Don't expect him to look after you.

Do look into whether you can take your future-baby out of the country without his permission (should it come to that).

Are you a member of a Danish A-kassa (unemployment fund)?

Last time I checked the bit about not claiming benefits did not include student grant or dagpenge, although that was a few years ago so it may well have changed. Next time you get a job PLEASE join an A-kasse not the faglig hus to protect yourself in the future. 23000kr a month for the first 3 months, then 19000 for the following 21. Appreciate that this goes further in deepest darkest Jylland than in cph but it would help.

And yes it's really easy to fire people, especially within the first 3 months.

Actually it’s because many Muslim men won’t shake a woman’s hand OP. No need for a misogynistic take.
I had Muslim men refusing to shake my hand in business. It’s very demoralising.
It’s quite right that anyone coming to a western country understands that men and women have equal rights. It’s not about being ‘anti immigration’.

Why do posters always feel compelled to say how amazing these shit-sounding men are?!

I think he should support you while you look for another job because you are living in HIS country and he therefore has the advantage of (a) being on his home turf, (b) being able to get state benefits if he were to lose his job (which you can't do). You are at a disadvantage because you don't have permanent residency and therefore cannot get benefits, thus forcing you to dip into your savings to tide yourself over. You also can't move back to UK to get the benefits your citizenship entitles you to, because you'd have to leave the home you pay a mortgage on, and you'd have to budget extra for rent in the UK.

Sometimes splitting things 50:50 is not really fair to one partner and this is such a situation.

He may be lovely but money is one of the biggest things couples fight about so I would be having a re think for that reason alone. It would be one thing if this was a relatively new relationship but 10 years in and trying for a baby and he wants you to deplete your savings rather than step in for a short time while he can easily afford it ?? AT the best he is a tight arse, I wouldn't be having a baby with someone who is mean and tight with money as generally they only get worse with time

This, please don’t start a family with this man.