AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

[TheWetBandits]

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

She has asked to stay with us for a while

Since she appears to be already there ("I think I need to ask her to leave ...") presumably you mean she wants to stay for longer?

Having done everything you can with no apparently willingness from her to help herself I'm afraid I wouldn't have that - doubly so since it's now affecting your children - but good luck getting her out

Personally I'd contact her family again, tell them she can't stay any longer, suggest they call her to sort something out and then refuse to let her in

And thank god I did...! and some of us can remember our login details and then some

Thanks all for the advice. And yes, @Puzzledandpissedoff she has asked to stay until the end of the month!

I'm going to talk to her once the kids are in bed. I've tee'd up her sister that she may need some extra support but I think I need a bit of a break from her to be honest

This 💯

Apologies I hadn't read the full thread 🙈😩

God, that sounds hard, OP.

I think I'd have to try to get it through to her how incredibly frustrating is is that she's prepared to put her foot down with you and her family, who are trying to help, but bend over backwards to protect the arsehole who's rinsed her! It would drive me mad!

I mean, she's asked to stay, you've let her stay and now she's banned you from speaking negatively about King Twatbag in your own home and you're having to listen to her bang on about how he must have loved her?!!

She needs the mother of all head wobbles.

She has asked to stay with us for a while as she doesn't want to be alone in her flat (which I understand).

Has she changed the lock barrels? She should and worry about any consequences later. If she rents, she should keep the old lock barrels in case her landlord wants her to put them back, although given the circumstances I'd hope they'd be more sympathetic. Although given what she's saying I expect she'd have no problem with him having access to the flat.

She is constantly asking me questions such as 'do I think he'll come back? What if he's in trouble with criminals and needs help? Maybe he is depressed and just got in over his head?'

I think it's time for a little tough love. I'd say "I hope he doesn't come back, he's bad news", "I wouldn't touch someone 'in trouble' with criminals with a barge pole, you may end up dead", and "If he's depressed he needs to seek help on his own. You can't 'cure' someone else's depression".

She is very defensive of any criticism of him, won't take any action to sort things out herself and just seems to be moping.

See, this is where I'm afraid she and I would have a big problem. Because she's in MY house where I don't have to bridle my tongue so if I want to criticize him she can either shut up about it or leave, and that goes for moping or 'poor me-ing'. You can't make her take any action though, so may as well not beat that dead horse. But you can certainly say you agree with her family about it if she brings it up!

She won't even contact the banks to sort it out in case he is in trouble and needs access to those accounts...

I'm sorry, but this seems to verge on some sort of MH crisis. Could she be having a real breakdown? She seems practically delusional.

Sometimes too much kindness is a bad thing. She needs to face up to reality. Her family is already 'telling it like it is' so she's run to you as her 'soft place to land'. I think you're being a really, really good friend, but friendship can and should have its limits. I think you'll know when the right time is to put your foot down and tell her to face reality or it's time for her to go home. But you'll need to be ready to put words into actions when that time comes.

She can only stay a day longer with you if she goes to police tomorrow

Have u got peace at last?? Is your home your own again?

She's going tomorrow but it's been quite tense

I told her over dinner the other night that I felt I wasn't being helpful to her by shielding her from the reality of what was going on and she needed to go back to the flat. I cited space and that I didn't want to be in the way of her starting to deal with it all as the reason.

She got upset and we had a long conversation but I'm afraid I absolutely lost it at her as she said something along the lines of 'if it hadn't been for you meddling and raising all of this then I wouldn't be in this situation'... ermmmmmmmm....what???!!

I said no, you'd be a lot worse of with your husband still stealing from you, racking up debt in your name and living a lie. I told her I was absolutely sick of listening to her preach about him, she needed to be out by the weekend and I don't want to hear from her until she apologised

That hasn't happened so we've been giving each other a wide berth. She's packed her stuff back into her suitcase so I know she's intending on going but I've had a message from a mutual friend asking what has happened as Anne has asked to stay with her. This is a friend Anne ghosted last year after Bob said he felt she was manipulative.

I am exhausted of all the drama. I just want my normal weekend of swimming lessons with the kids, a lazy film and a takeaway!!

She got upset and we had a long conversation but I'm afraid I absolutely lost it at her as she said something along the lines of 'if it hadn't been for you meddling and raising all of this then I wouldn't be in this situation'...

Yes, from all you've said I'm afraid I expected something like that

Maybe you can pick up the friendship again if she ever comes to her senses - though frankly she doesn't sound like a friend to me - but for now just make sure she goes. You really don't need this and there's only so much you can do with folk who won't help themselves

Yeah I'm sorry it's ended up like this. I really am. I hope you enjoy your quiet weekend though.

I strongly suspect she'll be back, although most likely not with apologies, sadly. It's up to you whether you choose to open the door again.

I think you've been a really good friend to her, I'm not sure she really deserves you as she's willing to throw you under the bus repeatedly.

Best to take a giant step back and see how this plays out. She certainly owes you a big apology and hopefully once the fog clears she will see that. If not, then I wouldn't get involved again.

Sorry, OP; I should have added that you might want to prepare yourself for hearing on the grapevine about how "hateful" you've been while she's stayed

It's not a pleasant thought, but sometimes this happens with those not ready to face the truth - as seen in her reluctance to stay with family who'll voice it too.
Unfortunately you'll have joined the list of "enemies" who "don't understand", though whether that'll last is anyone's guess

@TheWetBandits you've been an amazing friend, and I hope Ann comes to her senses and sees that some day soon 💐

OP, I hope you filled in your mutual friend, so she knows what to expect. And so that she doesn’t unintentionally enable her.

I’d give it one last go today before she leaves to stress how important it is to get her bank account and credit score in order. And how she MUST go to the police. Have you been keeping in contact with her family about the developments?

You’ve been a very good friend, but it seems Anne is unwilling or unable to reciprocate at the moment. But there’s only so far you can go with it before taking a step back, which you rightfully have. I hope something snaps her out of her frankly delusional state.

Tell the friend the whole truth because if you don't, she will hear bollocks intended to make you a bad guy

There's only really two things to say here. Anne's an idiot and she already know but is in denial. She escaped him once before but chose to walk back into this knowing exactly what she was getting into. Honestly don't waste your time. He's not the problem here. She is.

You have been a true friend.
You have also learned that no good deed goes unpunished.

Good God, she's got some nerve!

It's absolute madness that she can bury her head so far in the sand when it comes to that bastard but she's prepared to be a mouthy shit to her mates.

Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you went NC for a good while after this. I'd be holding out for that apology.

I'd also be warning the mate that contacted you just what she's in for if she has her come to stay.

I would tell her, if the things are coming up under her name he's frauding her. Unless she knows. She might well have willingly let him. Or no matter what you say she will stick with him regardless. You should not abandon her if she refuses to leave him. Tell her you care about her deeply and that's the only reason why you would say anything. Don't give her an ultimatum about him as it might drive her away from you and deeper into his clutches. But tell you are worried and want to help her.

@TheWetBandits

She got upset and we had a long conversation but I'm afraid I absolutely lost it at her as she said something along the lines of 'if it hadn't been for you meddling and raising all of this then I wouldn't be in this situation'... ermmmmmmmm....what???!!

Well, once again the words of the old Doobie's song come to mind; "What a fool believes (s)he sees no wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be is always better than nothing". And she's being a huge fool. But it's her life and she'll have to deal with the consequences. And one of those consequences is losing friends and/or family because she cannot accept them telling her the truth.

I'm sure she's not really in a 'rational' state of mind right now although that's no excuse, so I might be inclined to forgive her stupidity. If you feel the same, I'd let her go with my parting words being "I'll be here when your eyes get opened so don't be afraid to call me then".

At least read the ops posts if you’re not going to read the whole thread. You’re weeks behind

👏🏻

@TheWetBandits I hope you got your weekend you wanted.