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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

200 replies

TheWetBandits · 28/11/2023 12:38

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

OP posts:
desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 19:23

You did the right thing but what an awful ending for you. I'd just encourage Ann's sister to ask her and reiterate you will always be there for Ann if she needs you.

Princessfluffy · 01/12/2023 19:59

I think your friend reacted strongly because she knows that you are telling the truth.
She just doesn't feel ready to handle it so she's in denial.

You did the right thing OP, not the easy thing. Hopefully your friend will do the same without too much further delay. Clearly this is all going to unravel for your friend sooner or later, she can't now be surprised about it. I would tell her sister the truth. Don't protect her DH by keeping his secrets.

feellikeanalien · 01/12/2023 20:15

OP if she has had him back after everything that happened it was unlikely that she was going to listen to you. However it might sow a seed. You've done what you could and it's up to her now.

Sadly it seems that she'll do nothing until he has absolutely bankrupted her.

SheSaidHummingbird · 01/12/2023 20:35

Suggest to her that she checks her credit report? If he's gambling in her name, taking our loans or incurring debts, all evidence would be here.

SheSaidHummingbird · 01/12/2023 20:37

You did the right thing in telling her. You're a wonderful friend.

Sauvblanctime · 01/12/2023 20:58

I’d also have told her, sorry it went badly!! But you have a clear concience & he’s obviously a total loser with an addiction he’s not willing to stop or change himself!

Original poster
TheWetBandits · 01/12/2023 21:30

Thanks all. I'm quite upset this evening about it and I just can't get over just how fiercely she defended him and attacked me.

The poster who said 'what more have you got to lose?' Is right so I'm going to tell her sister. I've known them both since childhood but always been closer to Anne as we are a similar age.

But I feel I know her sister well enough to tell all. I'll do so in the same manner and try and keep emotion out of it

I've had more abuse from him this evening. He is clearly angry I've sown the seed and showed him for the absolute bastard he is. Some of the messages are vile and so explicit it makes me wonder if there is physical abuse. I don't know how any man can be so hateful and not have it burst out occasionally.

OP posts:
Sauvblanctime · 01/12/2023 21:33

@TheWetBandits

that says it all!

abuse from him = guilty

I’d also call the sister. Hopefully she can get her to see what’s what.

if she comes back to you, try not to hold it against her. She’s been brainwashed by him. X

HungryandIknowit · 01/12/2023 22:34

I know it's awful but you did the right thing. Block him. Tell her sister (factually), and send her the odd message to let her know that you still want to be her friend (is what I'd do). I wouldn't let him wreck the friendship if I could help it.

pontipinemum · 01/12/2023 22:52

👭(handhold)
It sounds really shitty and I do hope some day your friend sees and appreciates what you have done x

Newestname002 · 02/12/2023 00:09

@TheWetBandits

Some of the messages are vile and so explicit it makes me wonder if there is physical abuse.

Screenshot any messages he sends you in case he tries to delete them later, and to maintain an audit trail if you need it later. 🌹

mapletreecottage · 02/12/2023 00:54

Gamblers are the worst. She is clearly utterly besotted with him and willing to swallow his lies, having put all her eggs in the one unstable basket. It is a terrible way to live, and I feel for her. But it isn't right you are copping all this abuse.

The whole house of cards they have set up to maintain the illusions of their relationship will fall over at some point. If you'd said nothing, you would feel obscurely guilty and ashamed until that happened and then be accused of not speaking up, I expect.

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2023 01:51

You could also call the police re the threats. If she isn’t willing to see him as dangerous, they might be. I bet he’s got form…

Blaupunkt · 02/12/2023 03:50

Why do people think they have a right to interfere with others relationships and marriages?
Keep the beak out.

HeavenCANTwait · 02/12/2023 03:59

GO TO THE POLICE

It's malicious communications - also he's out of PRISON so If you tell them that you saw he had impersonated her to steal her money/set up accounts in HER name they will investigate

This is a nice easy financial fraud case - they can arrrest him for what he's said to you and they can question him under caution for fraudulent activities

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 02/12/2023 04:52

OP, you've done the right thing.
I know a real life Bob.
He has taken everything from everyone he knows.
His ex wife is now in a council house with his two children, and his parents are working well into their late 60s. They lost their business, their investments and almost even their home. He even took put a fraudulent loan on their house for around £120k.
His mum and Dad had always planned (and saved, and invested so they could wind down in their early 50s, just do the amount of work that they wanted to keep themselves busy, but his mums working as much as she can around supporting his ex with childcare so she can work, and have some semblance of a life, and his dad's working 6 days a week to pay off the debt he's landed them in)

I'd hazard a guess it's more than the gambling, I'd assume he was probably back at the cocaine given that he's been quite so vitriolic and it was a problem in the past, and seems linked with people who have gambling addictions.

All she needs to do is wise up and look at her banking apps and demand to see the letters, but she won't.

Tell her sister, I'm betting that her family are pissed off enough already that she's working 2 jobs and paying his debts, whilst he earns very little.
That'll only get worse when she's doing that, plus supporting a child, because he's not going to is he.

She's obviously being abused, and obviously is not going to see sense until she's in such financial ruin that he cannot take advantage anymore, by which point she's going to need to probably go bankrupt herself and onto the council register.

kiwiaddict · 02/12/2023 05:03

I don't like 'Bob' either.
I'm annoyed with your friend for staying with such a terrible excuse for a human!

AngelDelightUK · 02/12/2023 09:24

Have you spoken to her sister? What a crap situation to put you in. Hope she sees sense before she gets pregnant

petalsandstars · 02/12/2023 09:24

Tell her sister everything. Including the abuse. And tell the police about the abusive messages too.

Original poster
TheWetBandits · 02/12/2023 10:11

AngelDelightUK · 02/12/2023 09:24

Have you spoken to her sister? What a crap situation to put you in. Hope she sees sense before she gets pregnant

I had a brief discussion and it's all blown up a bit

I spoke to her sister last night as she rang me. It turns out the wider family have always had concerns but these have increased in the last 6 months

She wants me to come with her to her parents today and tell them it all as they are very worried about Ann

Bob is away this weekend at a stag do and Ann is going to her folks for lunch tomorrow. This has sparked a bit of a catalyst and they plan on having a few family members there who have also witnessed his behaviour and chat to her as a family. They'd like me there too

This has spiralled a bit and I now feel I'm getting deep into family dynamics I'm unsure of. This all has a danger of backfiring and making her feel like everyone is ganging up on her. Apparently the parents are trying to find out if they can run a credit report on her behalf as she is refusing

It all seems very messy and I'm not sure after telling her my piece whether i should now step back

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 10:28

I would decline. Explain how Ann reacted and that you feel you being there may make things worse. This isn't about bulldozing her it's about gaining trust. If she thinks there's two separate concerns she might be more inclined to believe it than you are all conspiring against her.

IncompleteSenten · 02/12/2023 10:29

That's a really bad idea.
She won't listen because she's not ready to listen.

All an 'intervention' will do at this point is give Bob what he wants all gift wrapped and with a bow on top - her going NC with her family and having nobody but him, enabling him to completely break her before bankrupting her. And she'll feel she has nobody to turn to when she's finally ready to accept the truth.

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 02/12/2023 10:30

It's great that her family are with you but if they're going to stage an intervention I'd stay well clear OP. I'd tell the sister you're glad she's got all the information you've given her but this is now a family matter and you can't say anything else you haven't already said. You being there will only make Anne feel more defensive.

You're a very good friend and hopefully Anne will see this one day. But I suspect it will be a long time before she gets that bastard out of her system.

If ever. He's completely ruined her life.

MilkChocolateCookie · 02/12/2023 10:38

I would politely decline OP. Let the family do what they need to do. She knows you agree with them after what happened on Thursday.

youveturnedupwelldone · 02/12/2023 10:38

I think you did the right tho by telling her but I wouldn't be there when the family does their intervention. Leave them to it. You've told you're friend your door is always open, there's nothing to be achieved by your continued involvement except a lot of grief and heartache for you.