AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

[TheWetBandits]

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

So she THINKS she is paying off the debt. You KNOW he is gambling again. She wants a baby and he wants her money.
I don't envy you on Thursday. Can you encourage her to check her credit score/Experian etc incase he has forged a remortgage on the flat?

I think it's the right thing to do, it won't be easy but she needs to know.

I know we all have stories but I know a local man who re-mortgaged their home without his wife knowing for gambling. She was left with 3 kids, no home, no savings when she eventually said enough is enough. TBF he has since changed his aways and addressed his addiction but not before financially ruining his family

Imagine if she does fall pregnant and he continues to steal money from her, potentially racking up debts she knows nothing about (if you're right about him opening accounts in her name).

She could end up bankrupt and homeless, with a child.

It's not going to feel nice to intervene but I do think you're doing the right thing, even if it just gives him pause in ripping her off for a while and opens her eyes a bit.

I don’t envy you OP, but you’re doing the right thing. Good luck.

If he's used her name to borrow money it's possible she might be able to get it back from the bank - I don't know?

I think you are doing the right thing telling her, but she will probably shoot the messenger.

Her family must be distraught she has wasted so much of her time on this user.

Gambling a worse addiction than drugs. Tell her before she finds he's remortgaged the bloody house.

Good luck on Thursday - as a good friend you’re right to tell her, what she’s does next is her choice. I’m sure you’ll tell her before you go into it that she may not like what you’re going to say, but she can always talk to you, even if her first response is anger towards you when you tell her.

That poor woman. I hope that cunt of a man burns for what he’s done to her.

Thank you all again. She has replied that she is free tomorrow evening so we're getting everyone out of the house so I can talk to her about it

I'll keep it factual without any assumptions and hope she's able to see him for what he is, even if it means she takes it out on me

Good luck! I hope she at least listens even if she doesn't take it seriously straight away

If she didn't leave him after he stole her life savings and went to prison for theft then she isn't going to leave him for this.

Good luck. If she wants support the Gamcare we’re brilliant support for me. They work with affected others and the gambler if they want help too. I had brilliant counselling with them and they understand the dynamics of these sorts of relationships. Totally non judgemental.

Just know that you are doing the right thing, however hard it might be. I wish someone had known and told me sooner.

Thing is, all she has to do is check her credit score and bank records and she'll have undeniable proof.

If she doesn't want to do that then she doesn't want to know and she's choosing to not know.

@TheWetBandits

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I hope the discussion goes well, but no matter what happens, never think you made a mistake in telling her.

It's done and it went pretty much as expected

I ended up telling her before dinner. She was excitedly telling me this was the first month they were TTC and she was waiting to test. I started probing about how Bob felt about it and I guess sort of questioning his commitment. She asked why I was so focused on that

So i told her what had happened and what I had seen. I was VERY factual and didn't at all get into what I thought was happening

She first fixated on the fact I had looked at his phone. I apologised profusely but made clear I hadn't opened anything otherwise I'd be able to give more detail. She said it was an invasion of privacy

Then she said she regularly checks his phone for gambling apps as that's how he spiralled last time and she's certain he doesn't have any on his phone. I gently asked if he could have hidden the apps and I was sure there was a way to do that. But no, apparently she would have found them

I then started asking about the post that's being intercepted and suggested it might be worth looking into that a bit more and does she ever check her rating? But no, apparently he's said it's to do with her Xmas present and nothing more. That he's changed since they got married

And then she went completely nuclear and said I'd always been jealous of their relationship (!!!) and Bob said that apparently I'd tried it on with him several times and he'd told her to watch her back for me!! Unbelievable. I'm not surprised that he's laid ground work to sabotage the friendship. He has form for this. I assured her nothing could be further from the truth

She left before dinner very upset and in a rage but I begged her to look out for herself and do some checking. I also made it very clear that whatever had been said, my door was always open and she could call me whenever she wanted for whatever she wanted.

I've since been blocked by her on all platforms and received a nasty text from him calling me a manipulative cunt

Not surprised really but it was an upsetting couple of hours and I just hope it's sparked something in her to check my story out

Tell her.

Some people really do need to maintain the facade at any cost, don’t they? I’m so sorry she shot you down. In your position I couldn’t have kept silent either.

I’m so sorry that she turned on you like that, you didn’t deserve that and you can only hope that you have planted a seed of doubt in her mind that will make her question the absolute bullshit that he is dishing out. You are the best kind of friend, you put her welfare before your own reticence to get involved and it sounds like you handled it very sensitively. He really is a piece of work and prepared his defence so well it sounds like this is not the first time he has had to blatantly lie to cover his tracks. He might have tried to poison your relationship with your friend at anytime preemptively to isolate her so this might have happened anyway. As I’m someone who was told unpleasant stuff about my then partner by a close family member ( I thanked them not blamed me though) I can only thank you for what you tried to do for your friend. You did the right thing never doubt yourself.

You have to tell her
if you don’t and it comes out later you will
reg it
shes probably in a coercive control situation anyway

Even though we could see it coming I’m sorry it panned out like that. You still did the right thing.

You did the right thing OP. She's in denial. He's manipulating her. Hopefully one day she'll see you were right and only had her best interests at heart.

Your friend is an utter idiot and deserves anything and everything that is coming her way.

You are a good friend for trying

Well done for putting your friend first, hopefully she will be more alert now.