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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

200 replies

TheWetBandits · 28/11/2023 12:38

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

OP posts:
Rtc12 · 02/12/2023 10:48

I hope the family manage to make her see what's going on

Missgemini · 02/12/2023 11:02

This is such a mess. So sorry your friend is going through this. Such a sad situation. I wouldn’t attend the intervention. You’ve done your duty and have hopefully sowed the seed. She’s now trying for a baby and will likely turn a blind eye to all the issues that are probably obvious to her.
No way does she genuinely think you’re jealous of her relationship with that waste of space.

CeciliaMars · 02/12/2023 11:03

She's a lost cause. I know that sounds harsh, but she's forgiven him so many times for so many awful things that I think just leave them to it.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 02/12/2023 11:04

Yeah, I would decline. I don't imagine your presence will help anything at this point. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, you could signpost her family to the smart recovery friends and family online meetings. They could provide vital input as to how to approach this.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 02/12/2023 11:54

I'd keep well away from that meeting.

In this situation I'd also be concerned for your safety.
Ann is likely to see it as you're trying to destroy her life.
She's going to be in the position where she trusts no one but Bob.

She is likely to know that you've shared the information with her sister, she's going to zero in that this is you, this is all your fault, she's likely to ignore that there were concerns from her family before they were raised by you.

PossumintheHouse · 02/12/2023 12:21

I would meet up with her sister today and visit her parents to fill them in face-to-face, but do not attend the intervention. It’s over the top for you to be there, and she’s only going to focus on your presence and get angry at you, rather than listening to anything her family might have to say. If she’ll even consider listening to them in the first place, that is.

Blueberrycreampie · 02/12/2023 12:33

As she's ended her relationship with you and blocked you, it would be a really bad idea to join in the family meeting. Hopefully in time she'll come round to seeing you as her friend again but you need to stay out of any further confrontations. You've done your bit and all kudos to you for that as you predicted what would happen but you've done the right thing by her!

Mrgrinch · 02/12/2023 14:55

I definitely wouldn't go to that.

She reacted badly to you voicing your concerns 1 on 1, imagine how much worse it will be when she's ganged up on by her whole family. I know they are trying to help her but I'm not sure the group intervention is a good idea and I'd stay well out of that.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2023 15:16

@TheWetBandits

I agree w/PPs. This intervention is family business and you should take no part in it. I'd tell them that you feel you have done your duty by talking to your friend and then informing the family. I' explain to them that for you to be present when she's so angry with you would probably 'negate' any chances of the intervention succeeding. All she'd do would be to see you there, figure you put them up to it with your 'lies', and she'll shut down completely.

SutWytTi · 02/12/2023 15:23

I'd decline any further involvement. You've done your bit.

If Bob keeps texting, tell him to stop or you will report to the police for harassment, and follow through if he doesn't stop.

forrestgreen · 02/12/2023 17:56

I'd say no, tell them you're very concerned but df made herself very clear the other day and you'll leave this up to family.

Also, if faced with everyone, she'll have no one to turn to after the intervention.

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 02/12/2023 18:13

Did you go OP?

Original poster
TheWetBandits · 02/12/2023 18:33

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 02/12/2023 18:13

Did you go OP?

I did go to the parents with Ann's sister and had a long chat

But I took everyone's advice and said I didn't think it was wise to be involved in tomorrow. I agree with the consensus that it's not my place and she will also feel ganged up on

They are determined and can see it's coming from a place of desperation-they love her dearly and can see her slipping away from them and losing everything. They say they've tried everything else so they are at last resort

Parents were lovely and so apologetic that I'd been getting messages and she'd reacted so badly. Not their fault at all!!

OP posts:
BullysSpecialPrize123 · 02/12/2023 18:51

What a sad situation. The reality is any sane woman would have fucked him off the second he got sent down. Hate to say it. But she must be pretty fucking desperate. I hope one day I find another friend like you x

Helga55 · 03/12/2023 07:41

I think, bearing in mind this chap has been in prison, has sent you abusive messages & is clearly trying to alienate your friend from everyone so he can continue with his gambling/drug taking that I would log his abusive messages & possibly your suspicion of financial fraud/control of your friend with the police. If he's got a record already, then should any financial fraud be bought up against him, then you've already logged concerns

If this blows up, none of you know how he'll respond, although it's likely he won't stay quiet, again, if there's something already logged on the system about him, the police may be quicker to intervene

PragmaticWench · 06/12/2023 05:16

@TheWetBandits has he sent you any further messages?

Mrgrinch · 06/12/2023 08:24

I really hope her family were able to to get through to her, although I doubt it as it sounds as though her mind has been completely poisoned.

Glad you didn't go OP.

Original poster
TheWetBandits · 10/01/2024 11:15

I just wanted to update this thread as I hate it when things are left hanging

My friend's family did end up doing the 'intervention' of sorts and I stayed well clear of it. Her sister told me it went down pretty much as expected and she accused them all of being against their relationship. She then cut them all off and blocked them all on SM etc

BUT something must have got through to her as she did then do a credit report. I'm not quite sure what exactly this showed but clearly it proved he had opened things in her name and got into debt. She then got hold of his phone one night while he slept and found all the gambling apps.

I know this as we got a knock on the door Boxing Day night to find her sobbing. She was too embarrassed to go to her family.

It gets worse.... she confronted him just before Christmas with this all and begged him for an explanation and he asked for a divorce saying he didn't love her anymore.

She stayed with us Boxing Day night and I contacted her sister who came the next day and took her to their parents where she stayed for a couple of days.

She got home just before new year with her sister to pack a few things to find he had gone with EVERYTHING of value, The flat was gutted of electrical, her jewellery (luckily she didn't have much of that), their joint savings had been emptied (we had told her to remove this money herself), their car is gone etc

He's blocked her on everything and his number no longer works.

We've told her to contact the police but she still hasn't and is weirdly clinging into the hope he will return with a reasonable excuse (I'm not sure what that could possibly be???). I've asked if he has a parole officer she can contact but she's not sure (and unwilling to anyway)

Clearly he's scarpered and completely rinsed her. What an utter cunt but how predictable

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to update where this ended up.

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 10/01/2024 11:43

Wow. How sad, yet unsurprising.
What a total cunt. He’s stolen from her and committed fraud. Your friend has to go to the police, OP. Judging from his past, he would get a custodial sentence, and probably quite a chunky one.
Your friend must know his family? Mutual friends? There surely is a way to track him down and arrest his snivelling arse.

meganorks · 10/01/2024 11:50

I'd tell her. But I would keep in mind that her initial reaction is likely to be denial/anger and that the fall out might well be that she cuts her friendship in the short term at least.

To be honest, I don't see how you can not tell her. It's her money he's wasting, and by the sound of it, her name he is using so that she will be the one in financial difficulties as a result. It's fraud! Surely he can go right back to prison for this?!

But honestly, Anne needs to sort her shit out and drop this loser. Hopefully she will eventually see sense.

Original poster
TheWetBandits · 10/01/2024 11:58

Thanks @meganorks but it's moved on from then sadly (and I did tell her)

OP posts:
unbelieveable22 · 10/01/2024 12:01

meganorks · 10/01/2024 11:50

I'd tell her. But I would keep in mind that her initial reaction is likely to be denial/anger and that the fall out might well be that she cuts her friendship in the short term at least.

To be honest, I don't see how you can not tell her. It's her money he's wasting, and by the sound of it, her name he is using so that she will be the one in financial difficulties as a result. It's fraud! Surely he can go right back to prison for this?!

But honestly, Anne needs to sort her shit out and drop this loser. Hopefully she will eventually see sense.

It would be really helpful if you did the OP the courtesy of at least reading her updates.
Your advice is no longer relevant.
Thank you @TheWetBandits You did your best and at least she came to you when she needed support. You are a good friend.

meganorks · 10/01/2024 12:01

I've made the fatal error of not checking the date of a post 😳(what has happened to edit/delete buttons?!)
What a mess. Poor lady. Clearly a case of sunk-cost falicy, clinging to the hope that something will change with him and time and money she has invested in him isn't a waste. I hope to god he is gone for good!

meganorks · 10/01/2024 12:05

unbelieveable22 · 10/01/2024 12:01

It would be really helpful if you did the OP the courtesy of at least reading her updates.
Your advice is no longer relevant.
Thank you @TheWetBandits You did your best and at least she came to you when she needed support. You are a good friend.

Show quote history

Yeah alright, keep your knickers on. I do usually. And check the date but clearly I made a mistake. I did try and delete or edit it but those options seem to have disappeared.

Newestname002 · 10/01/2024 13:55

@TheWetBandits

She got home just before new year with her sister to pack a few things to find he had gone with EVERYTHING of value, The flat was gutted of electrical, her jewellery (luckily she didn't have much of that), their joint savings had been emptied (we had told her to remove this money herself), their car is gone etc

Poor woman - she's learning the hard way what a nasty creature he is - if she's only let herself really believe it.

Hopefully your friend will take the advice of those who care for her sooner, rather than later and call the police and get their advice as well as a lawyer who can advise on next steps, including recovering half the costs of what he's taken, as part of a divorce financial settlement whenever that happens. 🌹