AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

[TheWetBandits]

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

Oh, OP. What an awful update, although, as someone already said, not awfully surprising. So glad to hear her family are on board. Fingers crossed the support will help her get through this.

I'm so glad she came to you, she must have been so broken by it all.

If I were her Dsis, I'd be tempted to call the Police and report it as fraud and abuse on her behalf and request a visit - from the way Dfriend is behaving, it does sound like she has been really emotionally screwed over by him and is too brainwashed or scared to report him herself. Once the Police are in front of her, she may just twig that the utter scumbag has used her and robbed her blind.

He needs to go back down for fraud, the utter shit!

She's lucky to have a good friend looking out for her.x.

I'm also sad but not surprised by the update what an absolute and utter piece of scum.

The debt he has in her name at least needs to be declared as fraud or she will be liable.

She is lucky to have a friend like you, and even though it was painful for you to not have been believed I am sure you know now how good of a friend you are that she turned to you in her hour of need.

Thanks all. It's very sad but I am feeling increasingly frustrated by the situation

She has asked to stay with us for a while as she doesn't want to be alone in her flat (which I understand). Her sister doesn't have room and she doesn't want to be at her parents as they keep pressuring her to call the police

I am near the point of going off on her to be honest so I don't feel like a great friend

She is constantly asking me questions such as 'do I think he'll come back? What if he's in trouble with criminals and needs help? Maybe he is depressed and just got in over his head?'

She is very defensive of any criticism of him, won't take any action to sort things out herself and just seems to be moping.

Now, I understand and sympathise but she seems to have lost all her anger and resorted back to denial and hope it's all some big misunderstanding

She won't even contact the banks to sort it out in case he is in trouble and needs access to those accounts...

I don't know how much more of it I can listen to without losing my temper at her

You must want to shake her! I couldn't put up with her talking like that in the face of the way he's treated her.

@TheWetBandits oh god that does sound really really annoying!! She sounds like she is in so much denial. I really don't know what you can do to make her come to her senses.

Maybe take her back to the flat? See that he has completely fleeced her. He is not coming back. Has she been in contact with any of his family?

Please tell me she didn't get pregnant? (Did you say before they were TTC)

I know there was financial and emotional abuse so I'm conscious there are difficult and complex ties to cut but she is now emotionally leaning on me and her sister but only when it suits her and on her terms (no criticism of him, don't push her to do things, support not judgement etc)

Well, I do judge her. I didn't when she was in the thick of it and couldn't see what was going on but things have become as plain as day now and I am angry that she won't take any responsibility for herself now. What I mean by that is simple things like going back to the flat and listing what is missing, reporting the car as stolen, contacting the banks, clearing up the literal mess he left.

Everything is just being ignored

Myself and DH are thinking of asking her to leave over the weekend as it's exhausting and we're hoping it'll force her to go back to the flat and face up to it all

@pontipinemum thankfully no pregnancy! But this is another thing for her to fixate on. This one, I do get as chances of her meeting someone else, forming a relationship and having children now are diminishing.

I’m not surprised, OP. She’d be pushing me to the end of my tether as well.
I think it’s time to impart some tough love to her. Have you given her a shake and actually said he’s the scum of the earth, has used you, has stolen your possessions? If not, I think it’s time. She isn’t going to like it, but she needs to face the reality of her situation. And she really needs some professional help to deal with this.
If she keeps denying he’s done any wrongdoing or justifying it by believing he’s depressed or in some sort of criminal trouble, she’s going to lose everything. Her credit rating will be obliterated, she could lose her flat, she has nothing to fall back on. You need to put a stopper in the damage he’s already done.

blimey @TheWetBandits what an update. Poor love. I would make her sit down and call the police. The longer she leaves it, the further away he gets.
she is trauma bonded to him though, she needs to get a dv supporter

She's in the denial stage of grief. She's grieving for her husband and the life she wanted with him. Read up on the Kubler Ross Grief cycle and give her the right support in the right way at the right time.

https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

You did the right thing.

@PossumintheHouse I have done that and made it clear he's an absolute cunt and she did initially agree but has sort of now softened

I don't think she's denying what he's done-it is undeniable-but more trying to find some way to justify it that means he still loves her

She was more hurt by his ask for a divorce and saying he didn't love her than by the theft and fraud.

She keeps stating that he must have loved her because of x,y,z

This is not the friend I knew

@BizzyMcWhizzFace Thanks, that's interesting

I really hope she gets to anger soon as I think with that will come the action she needs to start taking. It's been over a week and no sign of it (other than initial couple of days)

I do think I need to ask her to leave though as I will say something ill regret if she stays much longer

Poor woman. I don't blame you if you reach the point of feeling like you need to ask her to go; as sad as her situation is, it is very trying for those around her and at some point she has to take responsibility for moving forward.

You've done the best you could for her in a hard situation, more than many would have done, and I hope that your conscience is clear in that regard.

This is really hard situation which I have unfortunately seen close at hand myself.
You sound like a great friend and she will one day see that, hopefully.
But I think you realise that the protective blanket you are providing is just delaying the inevitable in that she is going to have to face up to this. She is very much in denial and this can last a significant time. Even including him coming back. Some people never get out of the denial stage, ever.
He has 24/7 over years to work on her psychology so those patterns are very difficult to unlearn for her. Even your actions he has already anticipated and made them negative (jealousy etc).
The only way through this is to do exactly what you are doing. Be supportive but don't let it overwhelm you and don't create situations that prolong her having to face up to it, if she ever will.
One thing we found. There really is no understanding of why they won't take logical steps to resolve the desperate situation or protect themselves. It might come out in deep therapy, but as friends it's impossible to understand, so it's best not even trying.
There's no doubt self preservation is important in these situations.

If he has a parole officer then does this mean he’s broken any conditions of his parole? I’d think opening accounts in someone else’s name, Emory img joint savings and stripping the house must count for something. . I’d speak to the police , they’ll be after him, and it could easily be a creditor, a bank, or his parole officer who shopped him, but if he faces further charges then she might see him for what he is.

I would imagine she is keeping a close eye on finances these days, and know exactly what he's up to. Maybe she gives him a budget for gambling? She is a complete idiot for sticking with him, but none of it is any of your business. Mind your own beeswax and just be her friend.

So. Many. Fails.

I wouldn’t ask her to leave unless you really need to. He will come back to the flat as soon as he’s gone through all the money. Are there no support services you could refer her to? What’s her sister saying?
I can understand your frustration but try not to lose your sympathy. She’s a victim of abuse, it’s hard to unravel all that. With the right support her eyes will get opened. Without it they may not.

@peakygold I sadly do not possess the ability to turn back time...

@Namerequired I would agree with you usually but we've got 2 young children, she's taking our office space when we WFH and the kids are being pushed out of the living areas when she has her meltdowns.

I think I need to ask her to leave as it's starting to impact them. And as PP said, I'm probably giving her a blanket to shield her from the reality she needs to face into

Her sister is around and has been fantastic but sadly doesn't have the space to put her up.

I know she's a victim, I really do but there are only so many times in the day I can reassure her that he did love her but coax her into the reality that he also abused her and took advantage of her. It's exhausting!

You’ve got the patience of a saint op. I’m not sure if I’d be so kind after her reaction to you giving her the news

Her sister needs to take her back to her flat and "make it her own". Please get her sister on board for this, you can't have the disruption to your kids, honestly she sounds extremely exhausting and self centred at the moment. I feel so sorry for her, really, but she needs to get some counselling and get back in control.

Yes, you absolutely need to tell her honestly how you feel.

Of course she is staying with you as she thinks you will just listen and support. She wont go to her parents because they keep asking her to sort things. She wants to mope and meltdown and that's totally fine if she wants to, but in her own home, not where it is impacting others.

Of course we all need to be there for the people we love but only when we are able to and now you are not able to as it is upsetting too much of your day to day life.

She knows by this stage you are a true friend,she wont like the truth but you will be helping her in the long run. She just doesn't know it yet.

You have to put your children first. I agree get the sister on board. Maybe she could stay with her if she doesn’t have room? I just hope she has found her strength before he comes crawling back!

Mate you saw a lot for a quick glance , the amount in the accounts the names they were in … you must have scrolled through to see more than one account.