AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

[TheWetBandits]

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

Wow, I would've left him at cocaine habit. Anne must have low self-esteem.

I’d tell her but I don’t think you got that info with the briefest of looks!

I would not stay silent. Question for me would be whether or not to talk to Bob that you know, or to Anne.

Have you actually read the history of what the friend has put up with?

You honestly think she's going to say "thanks friend I'll leave him " and we'll continue to be best friends!

It will be more "shoot the messenger "

Do a worst case scenario comparison and that will tell you what you should do. Decide which of these outcomes would upset you more:

1. You tell her, she either doesn't believe you or there's actually a genuine innocent explanation, and it ruins your friendship.
2. Do don't tell her, the DH is committing fraud and she ends up being investigated by the police/loses her home/all her savings.

Honestly, I don't think it matters whether you say anything or not. He has shown her over and over again what he is, and she has chosen every time to stay with him and bail him out. I'd do whatever is easier for you at this point. His current gambling is completely predictable, and he is not going to change. I think I'd say nothing, and just try and be there for her when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

Tell her but give her numbers to contact , gamblers anonymous family support, a good divorce lawyer, a copy of "why does he do that " etc
And tell her you there for her /have a spare toom whatever

https://www.begambleaware.org/how-help-loved-one-who-gambles#:~:text=If%20someone%20you%20care%20about,gambling%20blockers%20on%20their%20devices.

https://www.channel4.com/4viewers/help/gambling#:~:text=Gamcare%20provide%20confidential%20counselling%20to,and%20access%20to%20online%20advisors.

I'd have to tell her. Even if she shoots the messenger. She needs to know. She probably does, but maybe this one last little push might make her open her eyes. He sounds like a complete user and a prick!

Anna would be 1000x better off without him

I would ask her what she would do if she had accidentally seen that her friend’s partner was hiding something that would be very painful for her to learn. Would she risk her friend shooting the messenger or pretend she hadn’t seen it?

That in itself might give her a clue. If she is adamant that it isn’t to be discussed, I’d respect that.

@TheWetBandits

She's your friend and you care deeply about her wellbeing. Knowing this, how can you NOT tell her, even if it means she ends your friendship? I'd rather sacrifice a friendship than let someone I love continue in ignorance and probably end up in disaster.

If she does decide to end your friendship, just tell her you love her, want the best for her, and you'll be there for her if/when she needs you.

You have to tell her, as her friend. As many have said previously, it could well end the friendship. But he’s rinsing her of all of her hard-earned money, and all the while gloating about the fact he’s a kept man. Odious prick.
Sadly, she probably won’t leave him, if past form is anything to go by. But you can only hope that something will eventually snap her out of this toxic and pointless relationship.

If she’s a good friend of course you should tell her, even if she falls out with you about it. A family member of mine volunteered to be the one to tell me something about my then partner, fully expecting me to fall out with them but did it anyway out of concern for me. I believed them and kicked him out ( lots more came to light after he had gone) despite me feeling angry and embarrassed my family member did me a great favour. We didn’t fall out by the way I was very grateful.

I would tell her and just be understanding no matter what her reaction.

She already knows. She really can't be that stupid! Leave her alone as she obviously doesn't mind being taken for a complete mug!

Some women take awful behaviour for the sake of a man, she must really love him. I would tell her, keep it factual, by saying you think the messages are from gambling sites, could she check her credit rating.

Gosh, your poor friend. I would tell her and if you get a negative reaction just make it clear you’re there for her if she ever needs to talk and then take a step back. If I was in her shoes I’d want to know. I’d be angry at the messenger initially but would (eventually) be thankful they spoke up rather than knowing and saying nothing.

I'd maybe word it that you know you're likely going to be the bad guy and take the blame, but you can't watch her working so hard and being used without speaking out. That you'll always be there for her if she needs your support, but that you'll have to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn't believe you

I'd tell her because if it was me I'd want to know. I think that's being a good friend.

If it turns out that you are wrong then she might suspect your motivation I guess.

If you are correct and she drops you as a friend for telling her then I'd be prepared to live with that.

I would tell her. Gambling addiction can be an illness and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I'd covered something like that up. Their loved ones need to know. You might lose a friend, but I'd rather that happen and be truthful.

At the end of the day, you can only be responsible for your own behaviour.

He's a shit & she's clearly a sap for him but you are now responsible for what you do with the information you know.

IMO the right thing to do is make her aware and, if you fear he has opened accounts in her name, report this convicted fraudster for potential further crimes.

Thanks all. DH is wfh today and we were just having a chat about it. He asked me about their family plans etc and it reminded me that she's been pushing Bob to start trying for a baby soon (she's 37 and wanted to have children forever but he's 'not been ready')

God this makes me feel 10x worse as I'll either be telling her when they're currently trying or possibly pregnant but I also know if she believes me and does finish with him it'll be taking away possibly her last chance to be a mother

And I absolutely know that's not my fault or responsibility but I just feel dreadful

Anyway DH agrees with you all that I need to tell her so I've sent her a text asking her round for dinner on Thursday when DH can take the kids to their grandparents for the evening so I have the house to myself in case of any fall outs

Will see what she says but shouldn't suspect anything as I asked very breezily!

And honestly the notifications were quite damning

One was a bank I think that said 'you have successfully transferred £300 to Mr Bob account ending xxxx'

A betting reminder along the lines of 'Anne, last chance to enter our double or nothing blah blah blah with great odds'

One reminding 'Anne' a race was starting soon and his odds for his bet

And a couple of live match updates on bets and 'cash out' options with 'your stake' amounts £50 and £120

So to the poster asking, yes I absolutely looked intently albeit didn't touch the phone or open anything but I wanted to be sure what I was seeing. Wish I had my phone with me to take a photo now!

At 37 she most likely has several more years to be able to have a baby with somebody who isn’t going to fleece them of all of their money and be a selfish bastard. Having no children offers an even bigger reason to tell her about what you’ve seen.

I truly believe that morally you have to tell her, you have no choice. She's a dear friend had he's going to bleed her dry!