AIBU to tell friend her DH is gambling again?

[TheWetBandits]

This is long. Sorry! TLDR: I think I've found my friends 'DH' is gambling her money and in her name.

Background: my friend ‘Anne’ has been married to ‘Bob’ for 5 years. Their relationship has been turbulent and this has mostly circled around money. When they were first together he hid quite a large cocaine habit from her which had put him into debt. She paid this off and told him she would leave him if he continued the drugs. He quit

They were then due to get married about a decade ago and had been saving up for a wedding and flat deposit. It turned out Bob had got into more debt and actually stolen money from his work as well as spending their entire wedding and flat money. All in all this was nearly £100k and the company he worked for pressed charges and he went to prison for a short time

Anne initially left him but ended up supporting him (she was always vague about what he did with the money). While he was in prison she saved and worked 2 jobs. When he came out she took him back, he moved into the flat she’d been able to buy and they had a small wedding

They have had their ups and downs and she has several times met me in tears as he can be quite nasty to her in front of his friends and joke that he’s a kept man as she pays for everything. He has managed to find work but it’s sporadic and doesn’t pay much

For all of the reasons above, i don’t like Bob. I never have and I think he has some strange hold on Anne who I see making sacrifices and working herself to the bone for him.

Now to my issue.last week I was at their flat chatting with a cup of coffee. Bob was in the room but focused on his phone. He went into the kitchen to get more drinks and I followed as had bought round a cake so was going to cut some.

Doorbell goes and Anne gets it but shouts to Bob. He leaves his phone on the side and it’s continuously beeping with notifications. I admit I looked (but didn’t pick up or open the phone) and got the briefest of looks before he came back. All gambling websites and one transfer of funds-amounts were between £100-£350. And worst it looked like some notifications were addressed to ‘Anne’ but on his phone

I know they have joint savings and I also know Anne has been getting post that he's intercepting that she assumed was something to do with Christmas presents

So I'm putting 2+2 together and assuming that he's both rinsed their savings and potentially opened accounts in her name.

I didn't say anything and made some excuses to leave pretty soon but I know if I tell her what I saw she firstly probably won't believe me as seems blind to him. And if she does, it's going to ruin her life pretty much

YANBU you need to tell her what you saw
YABU you need to mind your business and leave them to it

So sorry to read your last message OP. I wish she had been able to see your good intentions.

You did the right thing.

She is definitely in a coerced/ emotionally abusive situation and it is horrifying that she is TTC.

You told her your door would always be open, hopefully one day she will remember that.

No surprise there but at least your conscience is clear.

When it all turns to shit and she loses everything, hopefully she will then understand what you tried to do for her.

You did the right thing.

When it all blows up with Bob and Ann again ( and it will) you wouldn't have been able to live with yourself if you hadn't done anything.

Thank you all. I'm surprised by how upset I am about it. I knew what she would say. As pp suggested, I think he's been slowly poisoning the well for some time

But I just can't get over the injustice of it (for want of a better word). We've been friends since childhood and I just can't believe she'd think so little of me that I'd be making stuff like this up. Vs a man who has a proven track record of lying

I think she's very vulnerable at the moment as he has cut her off from most of her friends

Her sister has contacted me this morning (who I also grew up with) and asked what's going on as Ann has told her we've had a falling out

I'm not sure if telling her the truth is stirring the pot or to just tell her Ann can explain.

You're right that it will all fall apart but the sad thing will be that by that time she'll have probably lost everything financially and maybe have a child in the mix too.

Sorry it went badly, but you have now sown the seed and maybe when she's calmer she'll do a bit of digging.

Her sister has contacted me this morning (who I also grew up with) and asked what's going on as Ann has told her we've had a falling out.

As you say, all as expected really, but hopefully seeds have been sown. I'd tell the sister very factually what you saw and about your conversation with Ann. She probably has enough suspicions of her own and it won't be a surprise to her, but perhaps if that's the case other voices added might help Ann see things more clearly.

Your friend is a knowing fool.

Make sure her sister knows. She needs as many people as possible looking after her.

Aw I'm sorry to hear it's turned out this way, if not surprised. Of course you are upset. I don't think she thinks that little of you, I think she is that deluded by this man. It is very unfair and hopefully some day (very soon) she will see what you are saying is true.

I think I would tell her sister what you saw. Her sister prob knows anyway, I doubt bob has pulled the wool over anyone else's eyes.

Yes I would tell the sister.

Definitely fill the sister in, in the same factual way you did with your friend. It's very sad but it doesn't reflect on anything you've done. It's very hard being with an addict and wanting things to be different so desperately that you delude yourself.

Yes I would tell her sister.

Well done mate. You took a bullet because you're friend is in too deep to see the wood for the trees but you're a good friend and you did the right thing. Hopefully she'll see that at some point in the future.

I would tell the sister in the same factual way you told your friend. She's already blocked you on social media and he's sent you abuse so it's not like it can make things much worse. At least it means there's someone else in her life who knows the facts and who might be able to look out for her in some way.

The fact you now know he's poisoning her against you tells you this friendship might have ended anyway for other made-up reasons. At least this way you've done it on your terms and you MIGHT have sown a seed in her that could take root later and save her. You never know.

She's suffering from the sunken costs fallacy.
All this blood, sweat, tears and so much money has been poured into this relationship so basically
Either you're right and she's been a fool
Or
He's right and it's all sweetness and light over there.

He's definitely the easy pick, or she'll loose everything that's built on some shaky foundations

Going against the grain but I would only give her sister a very basic understanding of what went on. If she thinks you're gossiping about her then that only adds to her assassination of your character.

I'd maybe tell her that you had some concerns about her relationship and she didn't react well when you tried to talk to her about them and leave it at that, unless you start to feel she's in any kind of danger.

You did the right thing and I am sorry to read of the response and how it has affected you.

You are a really decent person and a great friend. It won’t be long before she realises it. Of course you are upset, it’s tough being treated so unjustly, but you absolutely did the right thing, nothing else you could have done.

I'm sorry you've lost your friend (at least for now) but you can rest assured that you did the right thing. I'm sure if you hadn't told her and her life went down the shit hole you'd be even more devastated than you are now. Give her time, she may reconsider.

As far as her sister, it would depend on how well I knew her. If I was close to the sister I'd tell her the unvarnished truth. If I didn't know her all that well I might just say "I had to tell her something about her husband that she didn't like. But I think you should ask her if you want to know more".

If you don't tell her then she'll believe the load of shit the bloke has fed your friend.
Do you want that?
I wouldn't.
When you tell her what happened, given his history, she's more likely to believe you.
If you refuse to answer, she'll think guilty conscience.

I'm sorry that was her reaction. I still think you've done the right thing though, she's warned and if she has a seed of doubt she'll start trying to find out for herself. She might thank you later.

You did the right thing.

To be honest, she has been wilfully blind for a long time now and she doesn't sound like she is a good friend to you at all - the "friendship" is all one way. But you still stepped up and did the right thing by her.

P.S. What kind of Xmas present involves multiple letters being sent to your address in your name anyway?! The woman is beyond a fool.

As shitty as it feels right now; you've been a good friend. Hopefully this will sow a seed of at least intrigue, if not doubt, and your friend will do some digging of her own.

WRT her sister, I would probably just say that I had seen some alerts for a gambling app come up on his phone, and that, coupled with the fact that she has told you he is intercepting her post, raised some concerns and you just wanted to ensure your friend was aware. I'd tell her that as expected, it didn't go down well, but that despite everything that has been said, your door is always open for her.

Has he set up an account in her name because he has self excluded? Otherwise why is her name showing on there?

You did the right thing, op. Your friend will realise eventually.
Different question is will you still want her when she does? She doesn't sound like a good friend.