To expect engagement

[Ellll9478]

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

Another thing is,it was my birthday in October and he got me nothing,no card or anything.
He was getting ready to start uni so I didn't expect much, I knew he probably couldn't get me a gift.
But I thought he would probably get me a card
But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

What??? That’s terrible behaviour. Don’t move in with this guy op. He won’t change, that was him showing his true colours.

I think living together before engagement is sensible. You need to protect your apartment though, get a cohabiting agreement that says he has no right to the property, and he pays towards bills and food. But if you get married, he’s entitled to half the apartment! Do bear that in mind. And you’re very young really.

YABU to plan on supporting him financially! You don't do that unless you're already married, nevermind the engagement ring!

While I don't think a partner should be paying rent, he absolutely must pay 50% of all bills (electric, food, council tax, holidays, going out etc). Do NOT support him, even if he does promise to get engaged.

He is not unreasonable to want to live together before deciding whether to marry. He is totally unreasonable to expect his girlfriend to support him financially in any way.

Red flags all over the place.

Leave him while you can.

he sounds like he wants to live off you while he is studying and not give you any solid reassurance for the future.

I think you already know this though.

You've been together 3 years and not lived together - even though you have your own place 🤔 that alone raises issues to me.

You'll be funding him whilst in education? Tell him to work full time alongside it, plenty do, 🤷‍♀️

The adds that if he can't move in he'll break up with you - nothing like emotional blackmail!!!

End it with him now.

He is being honest and we have to give him credit for that but you honestly need to protect yourself financially. Please seek out a cohabitation agreement which you both agree to just in case things do t work out and you do end partying ways.

You seem to put great value on engagement, as if it is a definite prelude to marriage.
If that's how you feel then end the relationship, as he doesn't want to marry you- yet or ever actually.

Dear OP, I can be pretty willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially in a forum like this where you just see a snapshot of the situtation, but I think the birthday thing would be the final nail in the coffin. Even if he did something thoughtful like cooked you dinner it would be fine. Saying you don't deserve it sounds like he might be quite cruel.

I wouldn't endorse supporting someone financially before marriage except in circumstances like illness, or if you fully trust and love them. You deserve the best!

Exactly. He deserves to be supported by her so he can go to school, yet she doesn't even deserve a card? Good thing he showed his true colors.

I do think that people should live together before they get married and I don't think you should propose until you are definitely ready get married - I don't get the point of long engagements.

That said, looking at the other details here, it does sound like he has been stringing you along (hinting 'your turn soon' Wtf?!) to get a free ride for him to do his PhD. The fact he is willing to split up if he doesn't move in for me gives you the answer. Personally I would say don't waste any more time

Okay

He's horrible

Yes, I'm sorry, he's probably using you.

I think you should end it before he gets his feet under the table.

OP said in her first post that he has said if he can't move in now, he wants to break up because she is not trustworthy.
Do you agree with this part?

I would want to trial living together before I got engaged.

But you basically said "I thought you were making a commitment. Now I know you are not decided on that, I am not comfortable with the financial investment I'd be making"

And he says "it's that or break up"??

So it's fine for him to be cautious, but not you?

Woah woah woah hamg on, I still haven't read the full thread and I know I should but

He thinks you don't deserve a birthday card, but you do deserve to fully support him financially so he doesn't have to work and can develop his future potential while bringing nothing but a bit of emotionally manipulative abuse to the table?!

Fuck no, do not let this man in your apartment, and preferably boot him out of your life completely.

I wouldn't want to marry someone I didn't know I was compatible to live with.

Surely no one gets engaged before living together these days unless they do a 'whirlwind romance' (and all those I know ended in divorced).

He’s 100% using you and emotionally abusing you. You’ll be best off without this one.

You're so young you’ll meet another partner.

Would you at least buy them a birthday card or would they have to earn it?

Entirely different and unrelated things.

OP thought it was unusual to not be engaged before living together, it is not unusual.

If her partner is a twat thats entirely nothing to do with her misplaced assumption on the commonness of 'being engaged before cohabiting'.

I don't think engagement before living together would be totally batshit, assuming you'd then be taking that step and waiting a while before an actual wedding.

I think that's fine as long as he is committed to a future with you assuming that your relationship continues to go as well as it is now.

Of course you don't really really know someone without living with them. Of course a relationship isn't going to be the same when you're just dating, to when you're discussing who's turn it is to take the bins out or pay a bill. It's totally normal to want to check that you're compatible in these areas before committing the rest of your life to living this way.

How many people on here have a good friend that they've gone on holiday with and have known for years but fall out because they just have opposing lifestyles that aren't compatible when living in close quarters?

I think it's entirely sensible to properly get to know someone before getting engaged

Sorry just read your update about the birthday card. Someone who forgets a birthday card is a bit shit. Someone who says you don't deserve a birthday card is actually nasty. So I'd say your worries that he might be using you for your flat are more likely to be true. And ditch him

Saying you didn’t deserve a birthday card is nasty.

Saying you aren’t ‘trustworthy’ if you won’t allow him to move in and support him financially after three years when you aren’t married is concerning. Why is he doing a PHD that he can’t actually afford to do without being subsidised, because if you split up, what would he do then? This is just a lack of common sense from him.

You aren’t married and he’s not fully committed to a future together.After three years he should at least know that it’s where his heart is, even if he wants to test living together to be sure. Therefore, him paying ‘a little towards bills’ rather than a reasonable share of what he owes makes him a freeloader because he’s not even sure he wants to marry you. I’d be very careful that your lovely low cost flat isn’t the main appeal here and tell him that you’d like to continue living separately for a while as, like him, you aren’t quite sure where this is heading.

Oh wow you didn't get a card because you didn't deserve one!

Open bin, put ex bf in bin, close bin 👊

Girl you can do better than this waste of space! Go and find someone lovely who deserves you

He is clearly a monumental arse. You sound lovely and deserve so much better. Be grateful he’s shown his true colours now. You own your property outright. If you marry him tomorrow and divorce him next week, you’ll be waving goodbye to half your beautiful home. That will be an incredibly expensive lesson to learn.

Put him back in the sea and look for someone at your own level, emotionally and financially.

I agree with lots of PP that it varies from people to people and relationship to relationship. That said, moving in together is a significant commitment. Personally I would want to be on the same page about the future to live together, even if that future is a year or so away.

I don't like his threat to break up if you don't move in together. That's very controlling and not partnership. That said, it seems there may be part of a conversation missing between the two of you, which is about what and has changed and why. Also to discuss whether or not marriage is on the cards at all, or is it a maybe nowadays. We all know things can change once living together but the aim is to go in on the same page.