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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect engagement

303 replies

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:19

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 28/11/2023 10:38

I think @ellie09 makes a good point about this man not even being financially ready for marriage (though I'm sure he could stump up for a ring if he wanted to).

I would say, don't move in with him, don't drift around in his wake, don't tiptoe around him - just let him come back to you if and when he's ready to propose marriage. I mean actually ready to get married, not some bullshit about "feeling ready" to buy a bit more time with a proposal.

He's taking you for granted at the stage when he should be aiming to win you, and planning to step up and build a life with you. You're young and single, don't act like an old married woman trapped with some grumpy codger.

CurlewKate · 28/11/2023 10:49

@ellie09 "He's part time working, renting a room etc, would he realistically have enough money for the engagement ring you would like?"

And that's the most important issue here?

Aprilx · 28/11/2023 10:49

I agree with you OP. I never wanted to play house with somebody or live with somebody for convenience, living together meant that it was a serious relationship with marriage in the plans. And I have only ever lived with one man, who became my husband about a year after we first started living together. Although I would say we were not engaged when we moved in together, but we both just knew it would happen).

I think your boyfriend is seeing it as a convenient thing though and certainly seems an upgrade to his current living situation.

I do not see how you saying you only want to live together if marriage is on the table makes you untrustworthy. That to me sounds like an excuse with a threat thrown in if you don’t comply. I think the relationship is worth ending on this alone.

CurlewKate · 28/11/2023 10:50

@Ellll9478 I'm old enough to be your mother so....
Whatever you do, don't, for the love of all that's holy, don't get pregnant.

ManateeFair · 28/11/2023 11:01

You're both being unreasonable.

It's downright weird that you 'assumed' that moving in together automatically meant getting engaged. If you've never lived together, it's extremely sensible to experience that for a while and see how it works out before you start planning marriage. So YABU about that. Also, why are you so desperate to get married? You own a home outright, he doesn't. He's the one who will be advantaged by marriage, not you.

However, completely setting aside the whole marriage thing, he is also being unreasonable to expect you to fund his lifestyle while he does his PhD and to provide him with free accommodation. He is also BU to suggest that if you don't move in together, he'll break up with you. He's basically giving you an ultimatum so that you feel you have no choice but to house him while he's studying.

Also, a total failure to provide even a card on your birthday suggests that he doesn't give a flying fuck about you. His reluctance to propose isn't the issue here; the issue here is that he is no longer that into you and your relationship but can see that a free flat would be handy while he's studying.

Newestname002 · 28/11/2023 11:03

@ellie09

I think your boyfriend is seeing it as a convenient thing though and certainly seems an upgrade to his current living situation.

I do not see how you saying you only want to live together if marriage is on the table makes you untrustworthy. That to me sounds like an excuse with a threat thrown in if you don’t comply. I think the relationship is worth ending on this alone.

This is worth repeating, as is the good advice not to get pregnant by him, as that may well sway you to go against your good common sense and gut sense not to get more entangled with him.

The advantages are all his if you allow him to move in with you I'm afraid. 🌹

HippeePrincess · 28/11/2023 11:14

I don’t really understand why when you own a flat you’d want to marry someone bringing nothing to the table and risk that.

Birch101 · 28/11/2023 11:21

Honestly what do you want. Your 26 been together for 3 years. You want marriage do you want kids, when would you like them it's like rachel in friends...

So as your not married he would have no rights to your flat so I would not 'support him' and make sure that I was not paying more than I was living there solo, and also making sure I was still saving the same.

I don't like the not trust worthy comment and the ultimatum... shows a personality trait I'd avoid

Gettingcolder · 28/11/2023 11:29

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 02:41

Cocklodger 🚨!

Tell him you've changed your mind and will revisit the idea of cohabitation when he's received his doctorate and your incomes are on an equal footing.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I agree with this. I think his reluctance is a red flag and that he is taking advantage of you.

Biscottiforever · 28/11/2023 11:35

If you do want him to move in can you get a solicitor to draw up a formal room rental agreement so it's clear he has no claim on your prompt and will pay his way? This also makes it clear to him that if there's no engagement alongside active wedding planning then it's a very different relationship.

CruCru · 28/11/2023 11:38

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 03:43

Thank you, I'll definitely not let him move in and see what happens with him.
I just thought I was being mean because he had no money, but it doesn't cost much for a card.

Show quote history

Even if he was extremely poor, he could have got you a card (and maybe flowers).

I’m so glad you aren’t going to let him move in. He’s training you to put up with him not giving you what you need.

Frankly, you’re a 26 year old woman who has her own (mortgage free) apartment. You’re a total catch and you could do so much better than this guy.

JellyIegs · 28/11/2023 11:43

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 03:25

Another thing is,it was my birthday in October and he got me nothing,no card or anything.
He was getting ready to start uni so I didn't expect much, I knew he probably couldn't get me a gift.
But I thought he would probably get me a card
But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

he is usually so sweet to me so it's a bit confusing

No no no no no, do not let this man move in to your place and live rent free because (I’m sorry) but it sounds like he just doesn’t give a fuck about you and is extremely selfish. You can buy a card for a pound. You can make one from a photo. You can send a digital one or a text for free. You absolutely do not tell the person you love that they don’t deserve a birthday card because they upset you!

Cheese on fucking crackers, these men! 🔫

Cas112 · 28/11/2023 12:05

What if he hates living with you? No point getting engaged before he knows that

This isn't the 1950s now, things have progressed. I think his view is reasonable

boamorte · 28/11/2023 12:08

I think people should live together for a fair amount of time before getting engaged

You may find that he drives you mad

Motnight · 28/11/2023 12:08

CurlewKate · 28/11/2023 10:50

@Ellll9478 I'm old enough to be your mother so....
Whatever you do, don't, for the love of all that's holy, don't get pregnant.

If you just take one piece of advice away from this thread, Op, let it be this .

Couldyounot · 28/11/2023 12:09

So his ideal outcome is living with you, for nothing, and having you support him. Hard nope from me. Good luck, OP

Nevermind31 · 28/11/2023 12:33

Whilst I do think living together before marriage/ engagement is a very good thing, there are a number of red flags here…

  • keeping telling you it will be your turn soon to get engaged - this is stringing you along rather than promising anything
  • nothing for your birthday because “you didn’t deserve it”
  • ultimatum of moving in or breaking up - whilst asking for time for himself
  • not paying his share, and wanting to be supported by you

thus us not a healthy relationship

Quickquestion10 · 28/11/2023 12:39

I can't believe he would let you support him without understanding that you would at least need to know this relationship is permanent.

Taken in conjunction with his not buying you a card to punish you for upsetting him, I can only say you're having a very lucky escape. He's not sweet, he's not lovely. You need to get out and be free.

Prelapsarianhag · 28/11/2023 12:46

Aspiring cocklodger and mean with it. Dump, dump dump. You deserve much more.

JadziaD · 28/11/2023 12:53

I was going to say that moving in together before potentially getting engaged is fine - me and DH weren't sure we could live together but once we did, we got engaged. Then you said, "But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him"

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN. So, he decided to punish you for some perceived upset? I mean, I wouldn't do this to a child who had behaved badly, and I certainly don't expect it from my partner.

As a side note, it's perfectly reasonable not to charge him (or a future partner) market rent when you move in together. But the real important thing is that you are BOTH financially and emotionally and practically better off by moving in together. So he needs to pay enough that YOUR costs overall go down. And ditto, by having two of you, you're sharing the effort of cooking, cleaning etc.

DdraigGoch · 28/11/2023 12:55

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:33

Thanks I guess you are right, it just that I would be mostly supporting him money wise, I'm probably wrong for thinking that I should expect engagement for that

The main benefit of marriage is that it provides protection for the lower earner, particularly once children are on the scene. With modern contraception it's not a big issue if you live together before marriage because accidental pregnancies are far less likely.

That's not to say that everything will be rosy, each relationship should be taken on its own merits so look out for red flags as you always should.

BrimfulOfMash · 28/11/2023 12:57

I would never marry someone without living with them first!

Meanwhile he is being outrageous if he expects you to support him financially, even if you are engaged.

And engagement means nothing beyond the price of an (optional) ring and any deposits paid for wedding arrangements .it can be broken off at any time.

Shared attitudes to money is key to a successful partnership. You need to be able to talk to him openly and honestly, and he likewise.

Go back to stage one and talk about why you both want to live together. What you look forward to, what are your fears and reservations. And both stop issuing ultimatums: he won’t continue unless you live together (is this all about the money? Or does he think it shows lack of commitment on your part?) You stop making moving in dependent on being engaged.

You both sound transactional.

What is the real basis of your relationship?

BrimfulOfMash · 28/11/2023 14:20

BrimfulOfMash · 28/11/2023 12:57

I would never marry someone without living with them first!

Meanwhile he is being outrageous if he expects you to support him financially, even if you are engaged.

And engagement means nothing beyond the price of an (optional) ring and any deposits paid for wedding arrangements .it can be broken off at any time.

Shared attitudes to money is key to a successful partnership. You need to be able to talk to him openly and honestly, and he likewise.

Go back to stage one and talk about why you both want to live together. What you look forward to, what are your fears and reservations. And both stop issuing ultimatums: he won’t continue unless you live together (is this all about the money? Or does he think it shows lack of commitment on your part?) You stop making moving in dependent on being engaged.

You both sound transactional.

What is the real basis of your relationship?

Edited

Sorry OP, I missed this:

But I thought he would probably get me a card
But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

This is not healthy relationship behaviour. Not at all. Had you upset him? What happened?

In a healthy relationship you talk through any upsets. You don’t unilaterally impose punishments . You are not a dog to train with treats and consequences. Who the hell does he think he is?

toddlermam · 28/11/2023 14:27

I don't think he's unreasonable at all. Living together is when you see the true insight to a relationship and whether you want to share your life with this person

toddlermam · 28/11/2023 14:28

Although I wouldn't want to live with someone that's hardly contributing. I think that's how the resentment builds up.

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