To expect engagement

[Ellll9478]

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

He’s already training you to STFU and not to challenge anything he does. I am so glad he hasn’t proposed because you would have slept walked into a situation that would have been detrimental to your financial and mental women.

Marriage would always be the perfect carrot to dangle in front of you so you would do anything he asks.

This is an opportunity to get as far away from this manipulative chancer, take it and don’t look back. However, be prepared for all kinds of false promises to reels you back in when he realises his meal ticket has wised up to his bs.

This x10000

So he currently lives in room he rents. And half the bills at yours will be more expensive?

Surely you wouldn’t be charging him rent? That would be profiting off him since you don’t pay rent or a mortgage. If the roles were reversed and your boyfriend wanted to charge you rent when he didn’t pay rent or a mortgage most posters would be saying he was using you to make money.

I absolutely wouldn’t support him fully. And I worry once he moved in he may lose the job leaving you to pay it all.

But that could happen even if you are engaged. Sounds like you aren’t happy or comfortable with the situation of him moving in. But would have accepted it in exchange for an engagement. I think that would be a really bad idea.

Engagement actually means nothing unless you are booking and planning your wedding. There’s regular threads here by women who got engaged expecting to be married and years down the line it’s not even booked because their partner puts it off. Because they didn’t ever want or intend to marry them.

I don’t think people should have to be engaged to live into together. But an engagement is nothing without the wedding on the horizon.

If you aren’t comfortable with the situation of him moving in, why would engagement make it better? You would still be subsidising him and it doesn’t guarantee a wedding. It doesn’t guarantee that things will be more equitable if you do marry. You could get engaged and marry and things never be equitable in your relationship. If that’s something you want, Emankment and marriage shouldn’t be on the table until you see what life looks like once he has finished studying. So don’t move him in.

Oh dear, your boyfriend saw a easy life in you but now you want commitment he is running for the hills. You dodged a bullet, be glad you know what he is about before you moved him in. He will have his new victim soon.

Perfectly normal to want to live with someone before committing to marriage. In your position I’d be hesitant getting married as you own the property as you will end up giving him some money in the event of a split. What’s the rush for an engagement ring?

Also he isn’t lovely. He doesn’t treat you well.

and engagement ring won’t fix that. You need to look at why you are so desperate to tie yourself to this man even more

The birthday thing by itself is reason to split up. That is horrible. No way is that a caring person who loves you. And this is before he's moved in! It is awful living with someone uncaring and toxic. Do not let him move in!! Enjoy your lovely home and get rid of this horrible person who used to be nice to you and no longer is.

There are quite a few other threads on here where women have been used financially.

Never be barb the builder for any man.

He treated you like garbage your birthday and you didn't end it then?

He's looking for a cocklodger situation where you pay his way and then once he finishes his Phd, he'll be off.

The birthday situation should tell you all you need to know about this guy. End it now. He sounds awful.

I'd say no ..it sounds like he's using u to have somewhere to live while he does his studies

@Ellll9478 I was going to recommend that he doesn’t move in until he has finished his PHD and gets a FT job so that he can contribute equally… then I read your post about him not giving you so much as a card for your birthday last month.

He’s thinking of himself only, and I suspect if he moved in with you, you’d never get rid of him as he’ll no doubt stay in education whilst you fund his living costs. You’ll end up resenting him and you’d get very little out of
the relationship.

Take some time to think very carefully about what you want/need, I honestly don’t think it’s him and his behaviour on your birthday is a huge red flag. You deserve better, much better.

Please run and don't look back! I think he's pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. No birthday card but wants to move in and have you support him??? I don't think he deserves to be supported by you, can't his family or friends help him? You're young and can start again easily. Please find someone emotionally and financially compatible. Best of luck to you.

OP, he just wants a secure, cheap and warm place to live. You arexso desperate for an engagement, he has seen an opportunity to lodge his little selfish self in you paid-for flat. You are in danger of being taken for a very long ride, with him dangling an engagement to keep the hamstercwheel going.
Find someone who will cherish, not use you

So he wants to live with you for free and is trying to threaten to break up with you if you say no?

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN HE WILL BLEED YOU DRY

Thank goodness he's shown you his true colors now and you can find someone better!!

You knew everything you needed to know when he didn't buy you a birthday card

I'm just going to warn you now that if he's a cocklodger then he will now love bomb you as he's losing his meal ticket. If you get flowers, promises, a ring or anything like that you MUST NOT let him move in - he's on the make

The "your turn soon" comments are a huge turn-off! I'd be bloody outraged if a man said that to me - either make a proposal or don't, but don't dangle it like a carrot as if I'm desperate!

That sums it up for me, really. Whatever you do in terms of moving in and getting married, you should stand up tall and proud, and not just drift passively, reliant on him doing whatever he feels will shut you up for now. Does he love and adore you? Do you feel loved and adored? Don't sign up for all the dreariness of life without the sparkle.

Move in or break up?
Bye then!

At first I’d have agreed with him, moving in together is a big step. I was with my now dh 5 years before we moved in and it was still quite an adjustment. You know them well but things pop up that annoy you and you both have to adapt your routines for each other.
We got engaged a year after living together.

Ive known lots of people who get engaged, buy a house and then split up a year or so later because it just wasn’t what they expected.

After reading your updates I wouldn’t recommend living with him. He seems to want to live with you to make his life more affordable. He’s using you. The fact he said move in or break up due to being trustworthy is ridiculous. I understand if he felt the relationship needed an ultimatum to make it go somewhere but the issue of him not paying much and not even bothering to acknowledge your birthday jusg worries me.

Do Not let this man move in to your lovely home. Do NOT do it!
it would be difficult to get him out again, and he’d be using you. A decent man would not go back on his word, string you along, fail to acknowledge your birthday (!!!!) and think he can hold marriage over your head as bait so he can live rent free.

no. I’m sorry, OP, but he’s not a good catch. He’s not anything but an anchor that’s going to drag you downward.

If he has just started his PhD, it could be a long time before he finishes, particularly if you bankroll his living expenses in the meantime. The likelihood is that once he’s moved in he’ll then say he can’t get engaged until he’s finished it…….

Don't marry him OP, he'd be entitled to half your house.

If you let him move in then you'll be making the mistake of having a relationship with someone's potential, rather than who they actually are.

In a few years time when this guy (potentially) has his PHD and (potentially) has a decent job and can (potentially) afford to rent/get married and he (potentially) has a mind reset and starts doing thoughtful things for your birthday, he may (potentially) be a good partner.

What you have in front of you here and now, is a work shy man with no home, no decent or steady income, who gives you no security or special treatment (even on your birthday) and blames you for that. This is the man you would actually be marrying and that's if you could persuade him to do so.

Why would you want this type of man??

Never marry potential, marry the man.

OP, tread carefully.
These are all too familiar to me and are red flags to not ignore.
There's no reason why one can't work and support a household whilst doing a PhD. I know because I did it for 5 years. A responsible man/ woman would take pride in working as opportunities typically fall on your lap as a PhD student e.g., research/ project support work.
When I was doing my PhD, I had more offers than I could take on.
Also, he sounds like a lazy man to me. Be cautious because work ethic is something you cultivate. If he is not keen to work now, would he suddenly become driven just because he becomes a Dr? Bear in mind that having a PhD is no guarantee of a better life if you're not ambitious. A PhD may guarantee a job, but ambition will be what sets you apart.
PhD is now becoming as trivial as a Masters that part of setting yourself apart is working through it so that you're ahead of your peers.

Now my personal experience:
I was in your shoes a few years ago. Ex moved into my house. He quit work' to help focus on his future plans.' He won't give me as little as a Christmas card. I would pay for dates and birthday dinners. I paid the bills whilst he focused on his PhD and spent his time pontificating, writing, and pursuing personal interests such as sports and time with friends. He was future faking the entire time. He not only used me for free shelter and day-to-day living, he used me for research support (helped reading his work and giving research guidance). When he eventually got work close to the end of the PhD, he all of a sudden decided he now wanted to be independent and experience what it is to own his home independently etc. He wanted no joint effort. He said as a man he needed to build alone. He dumped me and got with someone else.
Most men don't like to be with those who knew their struggle. They don't like to feel indebted to you. They'd rather be with someone who thinks they were born successful, not the one who knows their journey.

Don't let him use you financially and mentally.
If you must live together, insist he pays his fair share.
Don't push for engagement. Keep your options open. Being married is the goal, not being engaged. He or the one will step up financially so that they can marry you. And it'd be their responsibility to plan and build their life to be at par, not yours.

I would agree with him that you'd need to live together first, but I see a red flag in him giving you that ultimatum. For that alone, I'd walk away.

If you do decide to stay with him, I'd set a maximum time limit in my own mind for when I'd want to get engaged, e.g. 1 year, with a view to getting married the following year.

I ended up being engaged for 5 years, and eventually left my commitment phobic EXDP, so I know what I'm talking about!