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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect engagement

303 replies

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:19

So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years
Everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well.
We had a plan to move in together this year but a few things went wrong and it didn't happen

Our new plan was to move in together ( to my apartment that I own) in Jan next year. Everything was good, making plans ect

Then we had a conversation A few days ago about getting married and the future.
I thought that moving in together ment that engagement was pretty much guaranteed. He said as much, whenever a friend got engaged he'd say, your turn soon.
But now he's saying he would wanna live together at least a year before he even decides if he wants to get married to me/ propose.
Am I wrong for thinking that you should be decided before you move in together?

The thing that worries me is that I own the apartment,I don't have a mortgage or anything. And he would be giving me just a little towards bills and stuff,he's doing a PhD so doesn't have much money, but I was okay with this because I thought it would be helpful to our future together

Am I wrong to now change my mind? Because of the engagement thing?

I'm 26 he's 30
He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

I haven't had many healthy relationships so please be kind but honest

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 28/11/2023 04:26

If the genders were reversed we'd be calling you tight and controlling

LittleGlowingOblong · 28/11/2023 04:29

@Finlesswonder but they’re not reversed.

things like fertility windows, gender pay gaps, loss of earnings due to maternity still exist as uniquely female issues.

the common differences between men and women in their approach to relationships is also well known.

NorthernLights5 · 28/11/2023 04:31

If you own your home outright I'd totally advise against marriage at all tbh. Your future husband/wife may be entitled to half once you've been married long enough.

PieAndLattes · 28/11/2023 04:43

So, he wants to live with you, have you fund his life, pay less than his fair share, couldn’t be bothered to get you a card or a gift for your birthday and then had the audacity to blame you for it? Oh honey, he sounds awful. Assuming his PhD is funded he’d have had money in October and he could have bought you something if he’d wanted to. He chose not to and told you it was your fault. That is not the mark of a good man. If throw this one back. He’s a cocklodger in waiting. If he’s just started his PhD that will take him at least 3 years but it could be 4 or 5. Are you prepared to support him for that long, especially if you want to get married and have children?

PieAndLattes · 28/11/2023 04:43

Finlesswonder · 28/11/2023 04:26

If the genders were reversed we'd be calling you tight and controlling

Why? That doesn’t even make sense.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/11/2023 05:00

NorthernLights5 · 28/11/2023 04:31

If you own your home outright I'd totally advise against marriage at all tbh. Your future husband/wife may be entitled to half once you've been married long enough.

And they might consider the length you have been living together when considering the length of the marriage. In your position I would be protecting my assets.

Fraaahnces · 28/11/2023 05:02

No no no no no no no. Future Cocklodger in the making.

LemonTreeSkies · 28/11/2023 05:11

Finlesswonder · 28/11/2023 04:26

If the genders were reversed we'd be calling you tight and controlling

What?! Apart from bringing nothing to the relationship he’s also told OP he’d like to not work at all if she’ll support him. I can’t find anything that suggests she’s in the wrong for being cautious.

Pinkbonbon · 28/11/2023 05:18

I would have thought living together for at least 6 months before engagement would be wise. Maybe to a view of having the wedding a year after that.

I don't like the all or nothing guilt trip he's giving you now though...

NumberTheory · 28/11/2023 05:28

Finlesswonder · 28/11/2023 04:26

If the genders were reversed we'd be calling you tight and controlling

This is simply untrue. On MN, posters who want to move in with a man and have him fund their lifestyle are told pretty overwhelmingly that they are being unreasonable and ought to expect to pay their way unless they’re looking after young children full time.

Penguinfeetteal · 28/11/2023 05:38

Please walk away from someone who makes you feel like this. Id suggest any money you save from treating him you put toward some counselling to give you more insight and hopefully confidence in yourself to know you deserve better. It cost 99p for a birthday card and he told you didn't deserve one because you upset him. Do you really want to live your life with someone like him and bring kids up with him (if you want kids).

ActDottie · 28/11/2023 05:46

Josette77 · 28/11/2023 02:22

I would generally recommend people live together before getting engaged.

I don't think he's unreasonable.

This.

Id also say three years isn’t particularly long at your ages to get engaged.

My husband and I were together 5 years before we got engaged and had lived together 4 years.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 28/11/2023 05:52

He didn't give you a birthday card or any kind of gift because he was 'upset' and wanted to teach you some kind of lesson?!
🚩
Even if he had no money at all, he could have made you a card, at zero cost to himself. And there are plenty of things he could have done as a gift, again without spending money.
I don't usually say this, but please DITCH THIS GUY NOW.

He doesn't 'deserve' any more of your time, subsidised accommodation or any other financial help from you. Let him stay wherever he lives now, working part-time and single - it sounds like he could do with learning how to be a considerate human being.

ArcticBells · 28/11/2023 05:55

OP he's not the one for you. Please don't waste any more time or emotion on him

Hibiscrubbed · 28/11/2023 05:56

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 02:56

You are exactly right about concentrating on his studies,he even said he would like to not work at all if I'd be willing to support him

Show quote history

Oh my god. Do not let this freeloader move in. He’s substandard and you have too much to lose.

He wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy

This is to manipulate you into letting him move in for free to your nice apartment. He knows what you want and will dangle the carrot until he gets what he’s after.

IsDieHardAChristmasFilm · 28/11/2023 06:02

Ellll9478 · 28/11/2023 03:25

Another thing is,it was my birthday in October and he got me nothing,no card or anything.
He was getting ready to start uni so I didn't expect much, I knew he probably couldn't get me a gift.
But I thought he would probably get me a card
But nothing at all, when I mentioned it he said I didn't deserve anything, not even a card because I'd upset him

he is usually so sweet to me so it's a bit confusing

I got engaged and married before living together (it wasn’t that weird in 1995) and we’re still together so living together first isn’t isn’t the be all end all. I could accept not getting a gift or even a card if money was tight, I could accept it if he forgot, but if he said I didn’t deserve it because I’d upset him that would be a problem. What are you supposed to have done for him to effectively punish you?

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 28/11/2023 06:17

live together or breakup seems a strange ultimatum but so does the expectation to be engaged on moving in together.

He may want to go at a steady pace rather then jump the gun, which sounds sensible. He might feel that everything’s suddenly happening very quickly what with moving in and pressure to engage immediately. There is no need to rush.

living together is a great option for you too, safeguarding your house. Imagine committing to marrying next year, marrying, then finding that you’re not well suited living together long term once the honeymoon period is over. Time will give clarity.

Lampan · 28/11/2023 06:19

NorthernLights5 · 28/11/2023 04:31

If you own your home outright I'd totally advise against marriage at all tbh. Your future husband/wife may be entitled to half once you've been married long enough.

100% this, I’m surprised I had to scroll so long to find it! If I owned a mortgage-free expensive apartment, no WAY would I be pushing someone towards marriage. Cos that’s what getting engaged would be doing.

Also consider that, saying that, ‘getting engaged’ is in itself pretty much meaningless and not binding in any way. If he was 100% using you he could just propose and break it off later (before or after marrying you for your assets)

I do think living together first is sensible. But after reading the birthday stuff I think that’s awful and it’s showing his true colours, he has no regard for you. Time for him to go.

Lampan · 28/11/2023 06:21

Also, if you’re in the UK you need legal advice about cohabitation - charging him rent or allowing him to contribute to certain things could cause issues if you break up down the line.

BlueEyedPeanut · 28/11/2023 06:22

Yes, it's smart and useful to live together before deciding to marry, but when you start living together it should be fair if not equal. What he is proposing is for you to allow him to freeload off you for his own benefit. Don't do that. It won't progress your relationship. You won't ever be able to trust his motivations while he is financially dependent on you.

The fact he is threatening to end the relationship if you don't let him move in just shows what his actual intention is. His reason for moving in with you isn't because he wants a future with you - he just wants an easy life while he studies.

sparklefresh · 28/11/2023 06:23

I wouldn't commit to marrying someone I hadn't lived with. You don't really know someone until you've lived with them. What's the fixation on marriage for you?

Autieangel · 28/11/2023 06:29

Living together first is a good idea.

Giving you ultimatums and telling you you don't deserve it birthday gift, he dies not sound like a nice man.

If you want someone to live with you ask them to pay 50% of the market rental rates then you will know if they are moving in to be with you or looking for a free ride.

Getting engaged is a ring, it's a nice gesture but doesn't give anymore commitment.

Getting married if you are more financially secure puts you at risk as unless you have a prenup your essentially giving half of everything you own to your partner.

Mothership4two · 28/11/2023 06:30

Although I completely disagree with him saying he would break up with you if he doesn't move in (proving he isn't that serious about you), not fully paying his way and doing nothing on your birthday; YABU for wanting a guarantee of an engagement/marriage before you have lived with someone and deciding to break up with him on the advice of a few comments from online strangers - it kind of proves his point. Obviously you should not be pressured into doing anything especially letting anyone move into your apartment and he is totally in the wrong to expect that. However, if he agreed with your "terms" that means nothing, it isn't binding and he could change his mind later (as could you). If his intention was to just use you then he could tell you what you wanted to hear to get his foot in the door, what he seems to be saying about getting engaged is not immediately but probably later, after at least a year if it works out.

OP you start of saying "everything is really good,he is lovely and treats me well" but then go on to raise a lot of red flags. It would be a shame to throw everything away without at least a discussion with him, but this appears to be more than just an expectation of an engagement on your part and more that you suspect he isn't as committed as you are. If he really would dump you (wants to break up if he doesn't move in because he said it would make me not trustworthy baloney) then you are right, he isn't committed to you and he isn't worth your time or apartment. Personally I would go with my gut and not move in together, but explain and have that conversation with him.

The fact that this early on in your relationship you are both thinking and talking about breaking up at all is the biggest red flag IMO.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 28/11/2023 06:37

Initially, I was coming on to say that I agree that you should probably live together but that he should pay a fair amount and you should have the conversation about increasing his contribution when he has qualified.

But I am aghast that he has doesn’t want to work at all while studying and he wants you to support him!

And he didn’t get you anything for your birthday because you upset him?

This man has already told you that he is going to financially abuse you and the way he treated you on your birthday is emotional abuse! Listen to what he is saying to you, he isn’t even trying to hide it.

This is not a healthy relationship and he is not a nice or good person. Do yourself a massive favour and get rid of him and get some therapy and do the freedom programme. 💐

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