Page 8 | Denied leave from work bereavement

welshwonderful · 2023-11-27T17:25:29+00:00

My grandad has passed away and his funeral is on Thursday. With work I am entitled to one day's compassionate leave for a grandparent, which I will take for the day of the funeral. I haven't had any other time off due to his death and have been at work every day since, including the day he passed away. I was advised that if I needed any more time off I could take annual leave, however when I asked for Friday as annual leave they have said no as there are already too many people off on that day. I wanted the day following the funeral too as I am already pretty upset about losing him, and I expect to find the funeral emotionally draining and will probably be exhausted by Friday. My grandad had also been very ill and in and out of hospital in the weeks before his death so my emotional reserves were already low. I also separately experience depression and anxiety and my mental health isn't great currently. AIBU to want to have the Friday off too? Where do I go from here?

GingersOwner26 · 27/11/2023 23:16

Mammyloveswine · 27/11/2023 21:01

@Goodornot "aren't I lucky for my mam?" I beg your fucking pardon?! What a horrible, heartless and spiteful comment!!!!

I officially had 5 days compassionate leave then got signed off sick.. we had to wait 6 weeks for her funeral, she had to be subjected to a post mortem due to it being so sudden and with hey dying at Christmas she wasn't moved to the funeral home in time for us to see her and say our goodbyes (it was recommended we not see her as her body was beginning to look unrecognisable). Like I say, my dad almost died during the same time and my husband fucked off and left me with two young kids.

Fucking lucky indeed.

What I'm clearly saying is that I was treated with nothing but compassion by my employers and it saddens me that others aren't.

I sincerely hope you don't have to go through such a traumatic time.

Yeah, I'm with you on this, I'm honestly surprised at some of the experiences I've seen here. When my grandad died 10 years ago (for context, this grandad pretty much stepped in as my father figure as my actual father wasn't around that much) the funeral was in a different part of the country, and ended up falling on the day before Coworker #1 was due to go on a long since planned trip abroad. Technically it would have been possible for me to get home on the night of the funeral to then go in the next day rather than stay overnight with some of the family, but my then-manager told me to go ahead and take what I needed. Then two days before the funeral, Coworker #2's partner abruptly left her and she ended up taking all the rest of that week off. With that leaving very short staffing, part of me wondered if I should try and come back after all, but she still told me to go ahead, take the time, she'd sort it. I'll always appreciate her for that.

And there was definitely no need for the "good for you" type reply you got!

Neriah · 28/11/2023 10:23

SchoolQuestionnaire · 27/11/2023 18:53

I was told to take as long as I need when I lost my dm. The circumstances were very traumatic but they weren’t aware of that until afterwards, they only knew that my dm had died. I was asked to get a sick note when I felt up to it to ensure I was paid, which I did. I ended up taking 5 weeks on full pay, no questions asked. When I said I was returning I was asked if I was sure that I was ready. I wasn’t but I was scared that if I didn’t return then I might never come back.

I will never forget what they did for me when I most needed it. If they’d have said I could only have a day like some on here I would never have gone back (I appreciate I’m lucky to have that option). Frankly I don’t think I actually could have gone in during the early days. I’m honestly appalled at what is seen as ‘the norm’.

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I'm not arguing that employers shouldn't be flexible or caring. I specifically asked one poster to evidence the fact that they claimed best practice is now limitless bereavement leave. Five weeks sick leave is not limitless bereavement leave. I don't argue a race to the bottom, but limitless is quite an ambition. Five years? With pay? My own employers sick leave is six months full pay and six months half pay. And they wouldn't force a return within that period of time because our terms determine that entitlement. But they'd be looking for a return at the end of that 12 months if not before. And they would begin processes to terminate if that wasn't happening.

Neriah · 28/11/2023 10:38

wutheringkites · 27/11/2023 19:14

@Neriah

Looks like a couple of posters have shared their experiences of this already but Google can probably help you find others.

This is based on my experience and those of friends.

The truth is that employers lose excellent employees by having an inflexible bereavement policy. I have seen that happen. Generally, people do not take the piss with limitless policies but it's worth the risk for larger employers to do this.

Oddly, Google can find only one UK example, introduced a few months ago. Searching wider seems to suggest that less than 1% of US companies offer it. And I can find absolutely nobody saying that this is now recognised good practice - quite the reverse, I can find a lot of people saying that they wouldn't offer it because (a) why would anyone come back if they are paid to never come back and (b) even larger multinationals suggest that it wouldn't fit operational models. And that's from companies that offer significantly more than the law requires.

By the way, I'm a trained researcher, so if be really grateful if you could direct us all to a list of companies that offer it, as I'm sure we'd all be considering applying to them. Anecdotal information isn't really evidence of anything. According to various threads on this site, 90% of posters earn over £150k. Which makes this a very rarefied site since nowhere near that amount of the population earn so much.

Teder · 28/11/2023 19:06

I understand employers cannot give unlimited leave to everyone who loses a loved one but I think there should be compassion and a case by case basis. A day after a funeral of a grandparent as annual leave isn’t such a hardship. If I was OP’s manager, I’d do everything in my power to make it happen. She’s not asking for the moon on a stick. A senior manager took the afternoon off after her cat died suddenly. We are humans, not robots!

if a colleague asked me to swap and I didn’t have any pressing issues like childcare, I would 100% do it. @welshwonderful Might be worth sending an email to the team so nobody feels face to face pressure but maybe someone has booked a day off and wouldn’t mind. I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

Neriah · 28/11/2023 19:19

Teder · 28/11/2023 19:06

I understand employers cannot give unlimited leave to everyone who loses a loved one but I think there should be compassion and a case by case basis. A day after a funeral of a grandparent as annual leave isn’t such a hardship. If I was OP’s manager, I’d do everything in my power to make it happen. She’s not asking for the moon on a stick. A senior manager took the afternoon off after her cat died suddenly. We are humans, not robots!

if a colleague asked me to swap and I didn’t have any pressing issues like childcare, I would 100% do it. @welshwonderful Might be worth sending an email to the team so nobody feels face to face pressure but maybe someone has booked a day off and wouldn’t mind. I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

As I have already said, as a manager I'd do this differently. But my employer gives me that authority, and the teams workload isn't inflexible. If it were inflexible I'd be asking those with booked leave if someone would swap. But none of this is about what I would do, what anyone else would do, or what another employer does. The OP has a real life situation, and advice that things should be different, or that lying about being sick is a good idea, isn't very helpful.

CleverLilViper · 28/11/2023 19:57

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 17:36

I don’t know. I’m not your employer.

You’ve asked. They’ve given an answer. Presumably, there is an annual leave policy? Have a read and double check but tbh they’re being generous to give you a days compassionate leave for a grandparents funeral.

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I would hate to have you as an employer if you think it is generous to be given a day off for a relatives funeral.

Utterly heartless.

PostItInABook · 28/11/2023 21:22

And I would hate to have you as an employee given your obvious inability to read all posts before singling someone out for a nasty comment. 🙄

Beckafett · 28/11/2023 21:41

You aren't being unreasonable however I don't think I've picked up on what industry you work on and if this is for example for patient safety?
Everyone grieves differently and I fully appreciate you trying to give yourself the space you may need.
Assume you have checked back in to see if they would be willing to get colleagues to swap?

OnTheBoardwalk · 28/11/2023 21:59

Beckafett · 28/11/2023 21:41

You aren't being unreasonable however I don't think I've picked up on what industry you work on and if this is for example for patient safety?
Everyone grieves differently and I fully appreciate you trying to give yourself the space you may need.
Assume you have checked back in to see if they would be willing to get colleagues to swap?

This. Really sorry for your loss. I'm not sure though if your company are unable to work below a minimum staffing level

please speak to your colleagues