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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Denied leave from work bereavement

184 replies

welshwonderful · 27/11/2023 17:25

My grandad has passed away and his funeral is on Thursday. With work I am entitled to one day's compassionate leave for a grandparent, which I will take for the day of the funeral. I haven't had any other time off due to his death and have been at work every day since, including the day he passed away. I was advised that if I needed any more time off I could take annual leave, however when I asked for Friday as annual leave they have said no as there are already too many people off on that day.

I wanted the day following the funeral too as I am already pretty upset about losing him, and I expect to find the funeral emotionally draining and will probably be exhausted by Friday. My grandad had also been very ill and in and out of hospital in the weeks before his death so my emotional reserves were already low. I also separately experience depression and anxiety and my mental health isn't great currently.

AIBU to want to have the Friday off too? Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/11/2023 17:37

You can self cert for 7 days, could that be an option as you are suffering emotional stress. Sorry you have to worry about this at the moment. What a horrible way to be treated. 💐

wutheringkites · 27/11/2023 17:38

How long have you worked there?

CatamaranViper · 27/11/2023 17:39

Can you take the AL on the Thursday and the compassionate leave on the Friday?

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/11/2023 17:40

There is nothing left to do, not legitimately. They are being shit, but that is their right unfortunately.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 27/11/2023 17:40

CatamaranViper · 27/11/2023 17:39

Can you take the AL on the Thursday and the compassionate leave on the Friday?

Ooh, tricky, I like it!

cakesque · 27/11/2023 17:42

Go in and be a blubbering mess if you need to. It will be clear you can't function. Explain to HR that you did try to book it off

comingintomyown · 27/11/2023 17:43

But you may be ok to go in, how do you know now you won’t be ?

sorry for your loss 💐

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/11/2023 17:45

WeightWhat · 27/11/2023 17:27

Just take annual leave? I’m sure they will allow it at short notice given the circumstances?

She explained in the OP that she had asked for annual leave and they'd refused it.

HollaHolla · 27/11/2023 17:46

I'm sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation, and had to take a day's AL for my Grandad; I was his carer for almost 6 months, before he went into hospital, and had always been really close.
I had to take a day's AL, and otherwise couldn't get any more. It's shit.
Do you have a distance to travel? Can you use that as part of your reasons to get the Friday off too?
If you were too stressed/upset to go in on Friday, would you call in sick, and risk the trigger? Otherwise, I can't really think of another option.

EmotionSickness · 27/11/2023 17:47

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 17:36

I don’t know. I’m not your employer.

You’ve asked. They’ve given an answer. Presumably, there is an annual leave policy? Have a read and double check but tbh they’re being generous to give you a days compassionate leave for a grandparents funeral.

Show quote history

It actually makes me sad to think anyone thinks one day of leave for any family member’s funeral is ‘generous’ 😔

OP, I’m sorry for your loss. Being in your probation period does make it a bit trickier so I’m not sure what could convince them to give you the extra day. It would make me consider looking elsewhere though, I don’t trust companies like this at all.

When my DF died, I took 1 week compassionate leave plus an additional 2 days for the funeral. My manager offered me more time off if I needed it, at any point down the line. It was lovely, of course, but also should be standard.

Neriah · 27/11/2023 17:47

welshwonderful · 27/11/2023 17:35

I could take sick leave but they have generally been good employers apart from this, and I wouldn't really want to do that to them (though appreciate I may have no choice). I also am still in my probation period for another 2 weeks and the sickness trigger point during probation is 2 occasions of sickness. I have had one day off sick for depression a few months ago so if I phone in sick this time I'd hit the trigger point.

This is going to be an unpopular view, so I'll preface this by saying that as a manager I'd have given you a day with pay under my discretionary leave powers. But I'm not your manager...

You've been refused leave. You go sick and they'll know. And you are a newer employee with no employment protection....

I am sorry if you are grieving, but suck it up for one day. You then have the weekend to fall apart if you need to. Your grandfather would never want you to lose a job over this.

TheGander · 27/11/2023 17:49

You don’t work for the NHS do you? I got all of two days ( one of which was to organise the funeral) when my dad died after a 7 year struggle with dementia.

Goodornot · 27/11/2023 17:51

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 17:36

I don’t know. I’m not your employer.

You’ve asked. They’ve given an answer. Presumably, there is an annual leave policy? Have a read and double check but tbh they’re being generous to give you a days compassionate leave for a grandparents funeral.

Show quote history

Pretty much. My mother is dying and in a hospice. It's been a living hell trying to work full time and visit and do things for her. I will probably only get 1 day leave for her funeral I think and that's my mother...not a grandparent.

It's not your employers fault, if your mental health is that fragile you need to see your gp for support / medication.

wutheringkites · 27/11/2023 17:51

they’re being generous to give you a days compassionate leave for a grandparents funeral.

The number of posters on mumsnet that have absolute rock bottom expectations of employers (and partners) never ceases to amaze me.

This is not generous op, in fact, depending on the size of the company/ sector, it is shit. The current best practice among larger employers is to have no limit on bereavement leave at all.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/11/2023 17:53

It sounds like you’re going to have to drag yourself in on the Friday and then chill over the weekend (assuming you don’t work weekends). Could you take some annual leave the week after to fully recharge?

Wexone · 27/11/2023 17:54

I think its heartless of them really, i would and i am not one to advocate this at all, ring in sick. I would deal with the consequences after - if there were any. Grief is horrendous and it affects everyone so differently

Kitkat1523 · 27/11/2023 17:54

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 17:36

I don’t know. I’m not your employer.

You’ve asked. They’ve given an answer. Presumably, there is an annual leave policy? Have a read and double check but tbh they’re being generous to give you a days compassionate leave for a grandparents funeral.

Show quote history

My last relative that died was my MIL …I got 3 days compassionate leave …..and I’m nhs

AnnaSewell · 27/11/2023 17:55

I think it is hard to know how bereavement will continue to affect you.

A funeral can actually bring feelings of relief because it is good to be able to share your sadness - and also happier memories - with friends and family.

Afterwards the everyday routines of work can actually be quite helpful. Depending on the nature of the work simply going in and saying to colleagues, 'I had a draining day yesterday after attending my grandfather's funeral, so will just try to get through the basics.'

If you need more time to rest and recover, then you have the weekend ahead of you.

Original poster
welshwonderful · 27/11/2023 17:56

wutheringkites · 27/11/2023 17:38

How long have you worked there?

2 weeks short of 6 months (when my probation will be over)

OP posts:
Mostlyoblivious · 27/11/2023 17:56

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.
Self certificate and if your MH isn’t good past that point then I would speak with the GP to get signed off.
Your employers are not good - I know you said that they were ‘apart from this', but this is a bit of a biggie.

Eybyegum · 27/11/2023 17:57

Neriah · 27/11/2023 17:47

This is going to be an unpopular view, so I'll preface this by saying that as a manager I'd have given you a day with pay under my discretionary leave powers. But I'm not your manager...

You've been refused leave. You go sick and they'll know. And you are a newer employee with no employment protection....

I am sorry if you are grieving, but suck it up for one day. You then have the weekend to fall apart if you need to. Your grandfather would never want you to lose a job over this.

Show quote history

This. It’s shit, but you can’t go sick when they’ve refused you the day off. The slight positive is that, unless you work weekends, it’s one day then you have chance to grieve.

The lack of compassionate leave in this country is disgraceful, we are humans with feelings not robots.

ManateeFair · 27/11/2023 17:57

WeightWhat · 27/11/2023 17:28

No don’t do this as it wastes the NHSs time. You are not ill. Tell work you are taking annual leave.

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They've told her she isn't allowed to take annual leave on the day she needs it.

TimetoPour · 27/11/2023 17:59

Neriah · 27/11/2023 17:47

This is going to be an unpopular view, so I'll preface this by saying that as a manager I'd have given you a day with pay under my discretionary leave powers. But I'm not your manager...

You've been refused leave. You go sick and they'll know. And you are a newer employee with no employment protection....

I am sorry if you are grieving, but suck it up for one day. You then have the weekend to fall apart if you need to. Your grandfather would never want you to lose a job over this.

Show quote history

I agree.

It is absolutely shit and I am very sorry for your loss.

I don’t doubt you will still feel incredibly sad on Friday but you don’t know that you will be unfit to work. Whilst it is draining, the funeral service may be a chance for you to find peace.

Have an early night on Thursday, do your best to keep your chin up, get through Friday and take good care of yourself over the weekend. Your grandfather would definitely not want you to lose your job.

I hope the funeral goes well x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 17:59

Can you not ask one of the people already on leave if they’ll swap? I don’t mean put pressure on them, but someone might not mind.

Eybyegum · 27/11/2023 17:59

Also as a pp said, do check if anyone who has booked Fri off is happy to swap days for you, I would if I had just booked a random day to go Christmas shopping.