Denied leave from work bereavement

[welshwonderful]

My grandad has passed away and his funeral is on Thursday. With work I am entitled to one day's compassionate leave for a grandparent, which I will take for the day of the funeral. I haven't had any other time off due to his death and have been at work every day since, including the day he passed away. I was advised that if I needed any more time off I could take annual leave, however when I asked for Friday as annual leave they have said no as there are already too many people off on that day.

I wanted the day following the funeral too as I am already pretty upset about losing him, and I expect to find the funeral emotionally draining and will probably be exhausted by Friday. My grandad had also been very ill and in and out of hospital in the weeks before his death so my emotional reserves were already low. I also separately experience depression and anxiety and my mental health isn't great currently.

AIBU to want to have the Friday off too? Where do I go from here?

I think it depends on how much you need or want to keep this job.

Calling in sick may risk your role there but I personally wouldn't want to stay with an employer like that long term anyway.

i imagine you will have to come in and do your best

This.

I am sorry for you loss, but this isn't really your employer's issue.
I presume they are probably also short on the Thursday, but they are going to 'manage' so you can go to the funeral. There isn't anything they can do about the fact you "might" not be feeling up to much the next day.
We all have days (and weeks sometimes) when we have to work, when we might prefer not to be. It is part of life. People go in and get on with it when they have been up all night with a baby, or a parent with dementia, or are worried sick about a partner or a child. It is just the way life is sometimes.

It isn't about a race to the bottom, it is about the fact that we have a responsibility to work too. I'm pretty sure your Grandad wouldn't want you to miss passing your probation by phoning in sick unnecessarily, would he ?

I don’t necessarily agree with the premise that a days compassionate leave for any relatives death is generous. I suppose I was thinking about my own employment experience where there is no leave granted for anyone other than immediate family bereavement, and they don’t count grandparents as that. Compared to that it is generous, but yes, generally it is not generous.

At the same time, workplaces do need to be able to function so I can also see their point if others already have leave that day and there’s a policy in place.

Why don’t you talk to them and see if there’s anything they can do? Or perhaps a colleague is willing to work that day and take their leave another day?

Ah OP I’m sorry about your grandad. My dad died and I was entitled to 5 days! 5! And this was public sector with so-called better terms.

I worked for a company where Grandparents weren’t considered close relatives so no compassionate leave. Plus two periods a year when no leave was allowed. My Grandmother died at the beginning of one of those periods. I had a mortgage to pay so needed the job and didn’t go to my Grandmas funeral. Some employers are shit unfortunately.
I was allowed two and a bit days when my Mother died, I went home early the day she died and had the day after and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave anything else would have been annual leave but it was the end of the leave year and I had none left (having taken a lot while she was ill to take her to chemo etc.).

You self cert for the inital period don't you? I can't see how nhs would be involved....🤔

IMO, your employer should show some compassion even with several people off, one day of coping should ve ok - I dont know what you do, but Ive worked retail, restaurant, pub and office in those cirvumstances and it was OK. Also, one if your colleagues may switch their day off if asked, so ask.

If yiu cant take a day off and you're not able to be in work on Friday because you're too upset, call in and let them know. Alternatively, go into work, be emotional and let them send you home.

Good luck. You have my heartfelt condolences 💕

Is it a job where staff ratios actually matter (e.g. caring) or is the manager just blindly following a general rule of x amount of people on leave at a time? This doesn't help with the immediate situation, but if the latter, I would be considering whether this was an employer I wanted to work for long-term. At the end of the day life happens and how employers deal with this type of exceptional circumstance says a lot about them.

@welshwonderful
Are there many colleagues off on Thursday?
Maybe you could take Thursday off as annual leave, and Friday as your compassionate day? They probably won't LOVE that, but they may accept that you'll find the day after the funeral too draining/distressing to be at work.

You can self cert for 7 days, no need to see a GP and even if you did have to see a GP it's perfectly reasonable to need longer to grieve the loss of a loved one.

If your mental health and anxiety gets worse I would call in sick if you feel unable to work.

alternatively can you ask for unpaid leave?

I don't think people are reading the OP's replies. She is on probation.

I'm sorry, this genuinely is shit but if you're told no to annual leave and then go off sick you could face dismissal. It's not worth it for one day. You've only got one day to get through and then it's the weekend.

I'm an employer and take a hugely dim view of being phoning in sick when they're asked for leave. We need a minimum number of staff to function and sometimes have to decline leave - it's not something we like doing.

Tell your work.

I will not be in work on Friday and if I am not able to pre-book leave, I will self-cert. I am grieving for an important family member and that is more important.
I accept that other people are already off, I could not have forseen I would need this Friday off before now, or I would have booked it.

That's it. Assert your right to be a human, not a machine.

That is dreadful (unless you are in a sector with genuine minimum staffing levels).

In your situation with probation I would force myself in - but I would start looking for a new job as soon as I felt able and I would tell them why when I left.

I am very sorry for your loss

I'd speak to your line lead (not HR) to see if there's anything they can do to extended the compassionate leave. However, if you're still in probation, you presumably haven't worked there that long, not long enough to know if they're actually good employers. They are showing you that they aren't. If your line lead can't sort anything, I'd take the days as sick leave, but recognise that this would likely impact the probation period in some way if their absence policy allows. And I'd resign, but then jobs in my sector are ten a penny, it depends how easily you'd find another job. If you really don't want to resign, I probably wouldn't take the days off, as it sounds like doing so would have undesirable consequences for you. Tbh though, I don't think a job is worth it, and they're not good employers, they're shit employers. I don't know why you'd want to continue working for them.

Very sorry for your loss.

In my experience, people are usually pretty nice and understanding if you've just had a bereavement. If your mental health is not good, wouldn't it be better to be with other people than at home alone? I really wouldn't take sick leave if you have already discussed annual leave, that could come back to bite you as a probationer, sod's law would be that you may actually be sick in the next few days and trigger a disciplinary strike for too much s/l in a short period.

There is no what if. The funeral is Thursday and they’ve accommodated that. The extra is extra and they’ve said they can’t. It’s sad but it is what it is.

The problem is, OP, it's a grandparent. Most employers don't consider grandparents to really be close family for the purpose of compassionate leave, so you're lucky you've got the day for the funeral.

If you self-certify it'll go down like a lead balloon and you're still on your probation period; it's a bad idea.

I wouldn't ask someone if you can swap leave with them though - it puts a lot of pressure on people to say yes (particularly if they know the circumstances) even when realistically they booked that day for a reason.

Ultimately, it's shit. But I think you'll have to go into work.

No GP is going to sign someone off for a day in advance like this. Honestly. And people wonder why the nhs is on its knees. .

Absolutely this. We don’t get any leave for this! They would give annual leave but that’s it and you would get a single day.

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. However if your employer is giving you no flexibility and will only afford you one day off for the death of your parent then that categorically is their fault. The vast majority of employers do better than this.

It’s very sad that you see someone’s expectations of a bit of support from their employer when they are struggling as a sign of fragile mental health. It really isn’t. We all struggle sometimes and we should be afforded some time and space to do so, particularly when we have lost loved ones. You deserve so much more than what you are going through but your unhappiness and misfortune is no reason to attack others who are understandably suffering for their perfectly reasonable feelings. I hope you are ok.

They're not going to face dismissal if they're genuinely too distressed to work, they ARE sick. Yes the outcome maybe the same as they're on probation, they'll find a reason not to make it permanent. But any employer who forces a member of staff to come into work an emotional wreck, deserves to lose them. See how they operate then. Some industries literally can't afford to behave like that, as the people to replace them are few and far between.

Can you take the Monday off instead? Struggle through Friday but have a long weekend?

@WeightWhat
"No don’t do this as it wastes the NHSs time. You are not ill. Tell work you are taking annual leave."

Mental health is real and a close bereavement can cause all sorts of mental tal ill health problems. Taking time to grieve now would be better in the long run all round as not taking time could leave the OP with unprocessed grief that could take longer to move on from.

OP you need to be kind to yourself and take time to grieve, if your direct manager is being a pita then have you got a point of escalation to go to?