Denied leave from work bereavement

[welshwonderful]

My grandad has passed away and his funeral is on Thursday. With work I am entitled to one day's compassionate leave for a grandparent, which I will take for the day of the funeral. I haven't had any other time off due to his death and have been at work every day since, including the day he passed away. I was advised that if I needed any more time off I could take annual leave, however when I asked for Friday as annual leave they have said no as there are already too many people off on that day.

I wanted the day following the funeral too as I am already pretty upset about losing him, and I expect to find the funeral emotionally draining and will probably be exhausted by Friday. My grandad had also been very ill and in and out of hospital in the weeks before his death so my emotional reserves were already low. I also separately experience depression and anxiety and my mental health isn't great currently.

AIBU to want to have the Friday off too? Where do I go from here?

Given your probation and existing sick day... I would turn up for work on Friday and when your probation has passed, book some annual leave to take some down time and do something to remember your grandfather as well as something that makes you feel good.

Do reach out for support for your depression.

i assume you are currently at work,
think positively, you may well feel better not worse, after the funeral.

If you force the matter and take it as sick leave, I can guarantee that it will impact your reputation with your employer.

I was told to take as long as I need when I lost my dm. The circumstances were very traumatic but they weren’t aware of that until afterwards, they only knew that my dm had died. I was asked to get a sick note when I felt up to it to ensure I was paid, which I did. I ended up taking 5 weeks on full pay, no questions asked. When I said I was returning I was asked if I was sure that I was ready. I wasn’t but I was scared that if I didn’t return then I might never come back.

I will never forget what they did for me when I most needed it. If they’d have said I could only have a day like some on here I would never have gone back (I appreciate I’m lucky to have that option). Frankly I don’t think I actually could have gone in during the early days. I’m honestly appalled at what is seen as ‘the norm’.

A former colleague was very grateful to be told to take as much time as he needed when his mother died. Returning to work, he tried to book a week in the Summer for a holiday away, but was then told that he only had two days left as he had been using his holiday allowance for the funeral and dealing with her affairs.

Sorry OP but it looks like you will have to go. Never forget how awful they have been so don't break your back for them in the future.

I remember when my grandfather died, I needed to go back to Ireland for the funeral, so I missed two days of work. My manager explained that she was giving me one day as bereavement, and taking the other days from my annual leave.

She was generally a good manager, and I didn't care about losing a day of annual leave, but to this day I think less of her for seeing it only as a management issue she should manage by the book - it felt like she was saying "Your loss is only worth one day, so I am telling you now that you will lose a day's leave, so you can decide whether you really want to go, if it costs you a day's leave". I just said "whatever you feel is appropriate" and reminded myself that English people do death differently.

Its not great, but it is pretty standard anywhere I have worked where compassionate leave is limited to immediate family only (parents, siblings, children). Getting the full day for the funeral is "generous" compared to some companies.

So you are left with the choice to call in sick.

Personally, so not to risk my probation with further sick leave especially on a day I had asked for annual leave, I would power through the Friday at work and recuperate over the weekend.

You need to decide what is the right choice for you, knowing calling in sick does have an element of risk attached to it.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss

You just need to decide if you are well enough to work. If not, ring in sick. If you are of course upset but able to function then go in, the distraction may be helpful.

And of course her company won't 'twig' will they?🤔

They will know she's pulling a fast one because she's already asked and been told no.

Getting back to work might be better than sitting at home feeling sad.

I'm sure your grandad wouldn't want you to miss work and perhaps risk your position there all for the sake of a day.

Precisely.

Do people honestly think this is the right way to behave?

No sure how big the organisation is, but can you request to see their policy around this? I worked in a place where I was almost killing myself travelling a four hour round trip to see my very seriously ill dad over a two week period. It turned out it met all the criteria for compassionate leave but because I was new to employment after having freelanced for decades I wasn't clued up on my rights. Sorry to hear about your loss. x

I’m petty…….. so I would go to work on Friday and just sit around crying and getting in everyone’s way, particularly the person who denied me the day off. Make sure I had lots of mascara on so that I looked a complete mess.

@Neriah

Looks like a couple of posters have shared their experiences of this already but Google can probably help you find others.

This is based on my experience and those of friends.

The truth is that employers lose excellent employees by having an inflexible bereavement policy. I have seen that happen. Generally, people do not take the piss with limitless policies but it's worth the risk for larger employers to do this.

I'd go to your GP and get certified time off tbh if that doesn't affect your probation.
Its either that or go into work and leave early if possible although that might also trigger the sick leave probation period?

Its shitty though and I feel for you. It can sometimes depend on your particular manager who doesn't sound like a good one for you sadly.

I was going to suggest going over their head and asking for compassionate leave. It depends who you report to? Team leads/Acting managers etc are inflexible as they don't have the authority to make decisions?

Otherwise go in and do as much as you feel fit to do and not any more?

I'm sorry for you loss. Can you game the system and take the Friday as bereavement leave and Thurs as annual leave?

My god listen to yourself!!

"Calling in sick out of protest" - how callous can you be!! The OP has lost a dearly-loved member of her family!!

Sorry for your loss OP.

I hate employers that do this. If someone had an accident or sickness, they would have to deal with it so why they insist on reducing staff moral in such a petty way is counterproductive. Treat staff reasonably and you get it back in spades. It's very shortsighted on them.

If it's important for you to be off and be with family at this time could you try trading it with a day that people don't like to work, Christmas Eve or New Year's? Can you ask manager if there's any option for them to ask of anyone is willing to cover under the circumstances and that you will be willing to do so when they require it etc.

Anyone who thinks 1 say is sufficient or generous really is shortsighted.

I'd get signed off, frankly.

That's pretty shit.

I’d get signed off sick aswell. I thought in UK you could self certify sick for three days until you needed to get signed off by doctor etc. I’d either call sick or I would ask for a days unpaid leave if they won’t let you have your AL. Then when I felt better I’d be looking for a new job as it’s a pretty shitty thing to refuse leave given the circumstances. Sorry for your loss xxx

Well the denial of leave in the circumstances would and should impact on the reputation of the employer!!

You've got a few options I think

• ask to chat to your manager and explain your concerns, see if they can reconsider
• take sick leave (either in advance because you are already struggling or wait and see how you feel on the day and take it if you don't feel up to it)
• decide you can't risk losing the job, grit your teeth, go to work, fall apart at the weekend. I had to sit an exam two days after I found out my absolute best friend in the world had died. I took a day to cry. Gritted my teeth and sat the exam. Then fell apart properly once the exam was over.

I can't tell you which is the right way as it depends how much you need the job

(As a manager I would be letting you take A/L and finding another solution for cover, but your manager may have other pressures)

See it as a red flag. Once you are over your grandfather's death start looking for a new employer.

Just to add, as you are near the end of your probation period remember that it works two ways and I would say your employer is not stacking up to be a company than shows empathy and compassion to its employees and potentially not a place you want to work long term. I know it is easier said than done and we are in a cost of living crisis, but maybe it is time to look elsewhere.

"Pulling a fast one"??? Ffs!

Hardly like she's going off for shits and giggles now is it?

I do hope you're not a manager. Given your intransigence and lack of compassion or empathy, you probably are.

You do know that most people work to live, rather than live to work?!