Uncomfortable about how she feeds her kids

[Chickeneggs]

Firstly, I know this is probably not a big deal as the children are fed, but I feel uncomfortable by the fact my friend buys herself good quality expensive food but gives her children basic brands.
for example she buys beige frozen food for them from Asda (yellow package) which is fine as I have bought some myself on occasion, then she will go to Waitrose or M&S to buy herself nice food.
The last time I visited there was a tonne of fresh vegetables stacked on the counter, I told her it’s great her children love vegetables and her response was that the veg is for herself as it’s too expensive to give to her children too.
They snack on biscuits and chocolate while she has fruit.
To me, I couldn’t eat something nice knowing my children are eating bland food with no nutrition. I’ve often skipped meals so my children can eat decent food, if they can’t have fruit or veg then I won’t eat at all to make sure I can buy it.
Is this something you’d raise with her to ask about it? Offer support whether financial or otherwise? Or do I just mind my business?

I'm on the fence on this. I feed my DC1 the healthiest diet possible within the confines of what they will eat. Realistically, that also involves a lot of "cheaper" food that I wouldn't necessarily enjoy eating myself - cereal in bulk, toast and spread, plain cheddar, fish fingers, those 50p supermarket pizzas (DC loves them as they get a "whole pizza" to themselves), supermarket bread, own brand fries etc. I do add 2-3 portions of veg to the side of every meal, but again it's cheaper veggies like carrots, peas, sweetcorn because that is what DC1 eats. I am constantly concerned about DC1's protein intake so pile on the milk, peanut butter and eggy pancakes.

DC2 is much younger and hasn't reached the fussy stage yet so gets a wider, better-quality range of foods - nice stews, seafood risotto, omelettes, steak mashed down, spinach, asparagus, green beans, tomatoes, peppers, nice cheese. Essentially a mixture of what DC1 is having and what I'm having.

It is always open to DC1 to try the foods which I am eating, as I remind them regularly. I also spend a fortune on fresh salmon, trout and strawberries out of season, as these are things that DC1 will actually eat.

But yes, if you joined us for dinner on an average evening, I'm afraid DC1 would look very much like the "poor relation" in terms of what was on their plate. And I can sympathise with just giving up to avoid waste and throwing food away, though I wouldn't do it myself.

I know someone like this. She has a weird relationship with food (understatement) and it's trickled down to feeding her kids tonnes of sugary junk while she only eats healthy stuff. It's bizarre.

This is really odd why would she not want her children to eat healthy? She'll be the first to moan when their catching every bug going around and if they get overweight. My son has autism but processed freezer food used to give him tummy ache when he was little. Just the odd bit of pizza, fish fingers or waffle from about 3. So we cut it out luckily he loves fruit and veg.

This exactly. They're welcome to eat grown up food but choose not to, it gets wasted.

Of course it’s a concern but it’s not child abuse concern level 🤦‍♀️ Honestly.
When children are fussy, have allergies/preferences, special meals for adults on ocassion etc, I completely understand. I’m not saying that every parent must eat the same as their child even if it’s a tin of spaghetti hoops, this situation is different. She is choosing to deny this food to her children who would and do eat it elsewhere. They aren’t fussy. She considers it expensive to feed the household the same food so sticks to eating it herself. Huge difference to some of the suggestions about food tolerances and fussiness. As many and myself have already pointed out, you don’t put your health before your own children’s.

Yanbu. She’s selfish and this is poor parenting.

It’s one thing if your DC are really fussy, quite another if all they’ve ever been given is cheap beige rubbish. Children need fruit, veg and balanced hot meals.

Just because they eat it elsewhere, it doesn't mean that they would eat it at home.

"I was aware her kids weren’t being fed properly"
They are being fed.
'properly' is in the eye of the beholder.

I'd leave her to do the parenting her way.

You don’t know the whole story here, you just think you do. The kids might not be fussy when you see them, they might well be at other times. Even if it really is how it appears to you what can you actually do about it? There’s no abuse or neglect here, just someone making a choice you disagree with. And there’s nothing you can do about that.

So what is the issue?

She's entitled to buy Asda for her kids as long as they're fed! Yes, maybe they could do with more veg - but how do you know what they eat day to day?

OP I'm shocked at some of the responses. It seems like your friend is not all that unusual after all, the amount of people telling you to butt out.

You sound really lovely that you feed them often and give them some nutritious food which it does sound like they are lacking.

Five a day folks... doesn't matter where it comes from - if she bought M&S carrots for herself and Asda carrots for her kids - but she doesn't.

She only buys carrots for herself.

What a mean cow.

Kids do tend to eat whatever they are given when they are at other peoples houses - but they can still be fussy little blighters when at home.
I know my own child once ate a veg packed Chilli con carne at my friends house but I couldn't get her to look at sweetcorn even at home.
Dont start offering them food to take home - thats weird and rude.
Sorry but i think you need to stay out of this. I'm assuming the children dont actually look or behave malnourished?? You really cant get involved in what another parent is feeding their own children.

Why do you know what they are eating daily?! I find that really weird. And why are they at your house for tea so often? My children eat the same meals as me so they get whatever us adults have, budget and beige or otherwise.

Have you ever asked her why she does that?

It's very strange.

And also, it's the pattern you learn in your childhood years that creates often what you want to eat in your adult life.

So eating a ton of beige food will make it harder for those kids to make healthy choices when they're older.

You want your kids to have strong teeth, strong bones, a good metabolic profile, good fats for their heart and brain development.

Some people don't think about the impact of long-term nutrient-lacking diets on the mental and physical health of their children.

Very sad. It's storing up problems for the future but it sounds like she doesn't care.

My parents used to do this as well. We'd have typical "kid" food like pizza, chips, sausages, fish fingers, then they'd sit down later and have an adult meal. I honestly saw nothing wrong with it. We turned out fine, and were very much loved.

Is she a good mother in other ways? Or selfish generally?

Some responses are really odd. Do kids not need vitamins and veg? We had veg when we were kids. My parents were poor but we had peas and carrots etc

I mean fine sometimes we try and they don't eat it. But I agree with OP - to appear not to try and yet eat healthily yourself yeah it's odd especially if your kids eat healthily elsewhere proving they have no issues.

But OP you won't get the great British public to agree as most people eat crap and then wonder why theyre on a million pills by 50. I have the opposite problem, people offer my kid pizza whilst having meat and veg - why they assume he can't eat veg I have no idea!

you wont convince someone whose just selfish to change what theyre doing

some people shouldnt be parents

I find this a bit weird. You're her friend and you don't know what she's like when she's with you? You describe her as an negligent mother.

Someone i knew ,who i was good friends with a while experienced this as a child

when it was mealtimes her father had good quality steak or meat vegetables and she just had the cheapest brand of sausages going,
how much meat is in a sausage compared to prime cuts of meat,

she was telling me that she was under nourished so much it affected her physical health ect,

Your friend's attitude and priorities sound really off,

I think this meets neglet threshold in regards of child welfare

i would tempted to report child welfare social services

Are you sure shes not just feeding her kids what they eat?

Most kids would choose chicken nuggets, oven chips and beans with chocolate biscuits for desert over extra special pork medallions, in au jus with steamed tender steam broccoli and passion fruit for desert.

If the kids are ASKING for fruit etc... while shes sat munching away on it and shes saying no thats one thing but saying 'that parent eats food fancier than turkey dinosaurs while her kid eats beige food... isn't she awful?' is hilarious because almost all kids love beige food.

Agree with this. If she was buying quinoa, aubergines and avocados for herself but not the kids, simply because they didn’t like those things anyway, it would be understandable.
Her comment about vegetables being generally too expensive for her kids is odd.

How does it meet the neglect threshold exactly? Social services are far more interested in the children who aren't being fed at all.