Uncomfortable about how she feeds her kids

[Chickeneggs]

Firstly, I know this is probably not a big deal as the children are fed, but I feel uncomfortable by the fact my friend buys herself good quality expensive food but gives her children basic brands.
for example she buys beige frozen food for them from Asda (yellow package) which is fine as I have bought some myself on occasion, then she will go to Waitrose or M&S to buy herself nice food.
The last time I visited there was a tonne of fresh vegetables stacked on the counter, I told her it’s great her children love vegetables and her response was that the veg is for herself as it’s too expensive to give to her children too.
They snack on biscuits and chocolate while she has fruit.
To me, I couldn’t eat something nice knowing my children are eating bland food with no nutrition. I’ve often skipped meals so my children can eat decent food, if they can’t have fruit or veg then I won’t eat at all to make sure I can buy it.
Is this something you’d raise with her to ask about it? Offer support whether financial or otherwise? Or do I just mind my business?

What sort of nice food is she getting in M&S that she can't get in Asda?

Fresh food and veg are on sale in both places.

Oh do me a favour Lyingwitch 😅of course I’ll judge someone who eats a £20 M&S meal while her children eat a 50p pizza, it’s cruel. It’s not about the diet, my own children eat nuggets and pizza too, but I’d never eat like a queen and not give my children something decent and healthy too. I’m sure any good parent would say the same.
But point taken from the genuine posters, I’ll butt out and I won’t respond when she raises the subject daily about what she ate for tea.

@Chickeneggs What are you on about? How is it cruel?

Some of my children have autism (I didn’t know this when 2 of them were young) and would only eat certain foods. I wasn’t going to waste my money buying food they wouldn’t eat, but I also wasn’t about to live on the same bland diet they did. Maybe she has similar issues and is embarrassed to tell you as you seem quite judgmental.

You can respond without that being about her kids diet. I see you don’t mention their father. Or is it only women who are to blame when things aren’t perfect?

It is cruel, it’s basically saying that her own children don’t deserve better quality food and it’s deliberately denying them a more nutritious diet. The kids may not realise so much now but when they are older they certainly will. I find it so strange that some people seem to take the attitude that children don’t deserve the same sort of standards of living as the adults - like they are not full people in their own right.

You said it in your OP,

"I know this is probably not a big deal as the children are fed"

It's none of your business what your friend feeds her children. You can disagree with her choices but it's not for you to 'fix'.

As PP have said, her kids probably leave/throw good food on the floor. Mine do! also, my DS will eat whatevers given to him at nursery but that doesn't mean he'll touch it at home.

I've got a friend that does similar OP. Her husband and her will have fresh salmon, asparagus and new potatoes etc, at 7pm and the kids have chicken nuggets, beans and waffles at 5pm. She says they only like 'breadcrumbed oven dinners, they get hungry and tired so need to eat early and doesn't want to waste good food for them to refuse'. I see her point but surely there's a compromise?!

You must have missed the reply from the OP that stated they are not fussy children and eat anything and everything which she’s seen with her own eyes when they have eaten at her house. Or did you read it and then go ahead and project your issues onto a situation unrelated to yours? 🤷‍♀️

Sounds crap. But it's nothing to do with you

ButterflyOil thank you this is the exact point I was trying to make.
If they all ate basic brand food then it wouldn’t have crossed my mind, but her preference for good food over her children’s diet makes me uncomfortable.
Their dad isn’t in the picture, perhaps ask before assuming.

My mother was the same, it's just unacceptably selfish behaviour. She raised us vegetarian but never gave us anything with protein in, she bought proper cheese for herself but only ever gave us those processed orange singles, etc. I'd say something if I were you, it'll make the children feel awful long term, physically and emotionally.

OP

It may be that the children ate whatever you gave them at your house, but refuse anything but beige food at home.

As you can see another poster mentioning this re her children not being fussy at nursery, but being so with her their mother.

Appalling attitude - is this a form of abuse/neglect? Can't get my head round it.
Personally I think you have to stay out of it/distance yourself. Only possible is SS as there might be other things going on that are more hidden.....

I'd just say it quite bluntly "Why do you give the kids Asda basics and buy yourself quality food? It could mean that it's the end of your friendship but can you continue watching this for years?

Sorry OP but this is definitely a “butt out” situation in my opinion. You have no idea how she feeds her children every day. You don’t even really know if she meant that she never feeds the kids vegetables or whether these particular “nice” vegetables were just for her.

My eldest DC can be a picky eater sometimes. They love pizza and chicken nuggets etc and will eat bits of veg and sometimes something more substantial. To look at what I feed them you might assume I’m saving the “best” stuff for myself (like salmon, exotic veg etc.) but that is literally because I know it will go to waste otherwise. I will keep offering food to expand DC’s palate and hope they improve as they get older. I’d be incredibly upset if someone was passing comment as you do on how I fed my children. Surprisingly I know them better than anyone else. I’m trying my best. And I’d be surprised if that’s not the case for your friend too.

She doesn’t need your financial support, she just needs to give her head a wobble!!

Also kids can be very fussy at home and eat like angels outside of home. So easy to pass judgement.

I had the same issues growing up (only got my diagnosis last year) so my mum would make me those packets of macaroni cheese (one of only a handful of foods I would eat) & prepare a 'nice' meal from scratch for her & my dad.

I would have to raise it with her. Sometimes being a good friend means pointing out when someone is fucking up.

This reminds me of my Nan saying someone she knew in the war .With rationing going on ,used to use the tiny bit of syrup to go over her pudding and nor give her children any! Nan felt you would always give DC the treat which was of course only right.I doubt SS would take any action if children are fed. Some people are just selfish Im afraid .

Well her saying she doesn't give it to them because it's too expensive might just be part of the sentence? She doesn't give it to them because it's too expensive to waste maybe? Hard to know without being there I suppose.

However, I've been a childminder for over 20 years and it's totally normal for children to eat really well at my house but refuse the same food at home. Parents have said they won't eat it because 'it doesn't taste like it does at nokids' even if they've asked me for the recipe. And they are always incredulous when I say they've eaten X because they haven't been able to get them to eat it. Children are funny creatures when it comes to food.

If the children are fed, growing and happy there's not much you can do about other peoples food choices.

This probably!

I told her it’s great her children love vegetables and her response was that the veg is for herself as it’s too expensive to give to her children too.

With this attitude I would think she need a lot more support than what you might be able to offer as a friend.
She's one or more of the following: deluded, lying to herself and you, selfish, unwell, skewed sense of what being a parent entails.

I mean if someone really believes there is nothing wrong with this then she's got massive issues.

My mum did this to us. Bread and jam was for tea on weekdays because we’d had a school dinner. She ate well and would throw elaborate dinner parties. We all grew up with eating disorders and crap teeth.

if anyone snuck into the kitchen at night ( always hungry) they’d take a beating for stealing’her’ food!