To be upset over this woman all evening and most of Sunday

[Wheresmemum]

So I've recently joined a women's social group and went out with them for the second time last night. Everything seemed fine and we were all still getting to know each other. But I noticed one woman being really "off" with me. I genuinely didn't say anything wrong to her and be offensive in any way. So as I was telling the others that I'm really excited because my 20 year old daughter and I are planning on going away for a few days to Spain, she piped up and told me and everyone that I'll really hate it. She said she'd been and it was awful so I'll find it awful too! She also added that she couldn't believe I'm going on holiday with my daughter and wasn't I worried about safety? Us being two women travelling alone! I was really upset and annoyed, mainly because I was really looking forward to getting away (arsehole husband issues) and she went on and on about how she'd never go anywhere without her husband blah blah blah 😬She isn't aware of my issues with AH (Arsehole Husband). Anyway, I let her get to me to the point where I came home and just cried and started worrying that maybe going away with my daughter might not be such a good idea after all. And I really can't understand what this woman's issue was! The sad thing is this isn't the first time this has happened with women, I seem to set them off in some way! Someone told me that I'm too nice and that gets to them, why I don't know! (I'm a woman too btw, in case my post makes it sounds like I'm not ☺️) I have a few lovely close friends so I'm capable of making friends with other women. Has anyone else had this experience of other women behaving "off" with them without reason?

She's a mad twat, obviously.

YABU to have cried about it, though, instead of just thinking 'All right, then, you rude weirdo' and moving on. I'd have laughed at her, honestly.

Has anyone else had this experience of other women behaving "off" with them without reason?

I've experienced this a few times. People (not just women) seemingly really annoyed about things that are basically none of their business and affect them in no way whatsoever, or insisting that I will not like something I'm planning to do. I find it incredibly weird.

My favourite examples of things people have been off with me about:

• Liking football but not rugby
• Drinking a lot of tea (this one actually resulted in the other person storming out of the room)
• Not being into Parkrun (I was blocked on social media for that one)
• Going to Venice (they repeatedly told me it would be awful)

I haven't questioned myself over any of these things, though. I just thought they were being mad/rude and laughed it off. I

Is this the sort of thing you would usually start questioning yourself over? It sounds to me like either you maybe struggle a bit with self-esteem/assertiveness, or that perhaps there are other things going on in your life at the moment that meant you were feeling particularly sensitive. Sometimes tears aren't even really about the thing you think you're crying about, are they? It's just that one thing (in this case an unpleasant woman who appears to think it's the 1870s) is just the straw that broke the camel's back and somehow felt like a much bigger deal than it actually was.

You'll have an amazing time with your daughter and you will (of course!!) be perfectly safe.

I've been going on holiday just me and my mum for the past 15 yrs or so. We've been to Spain twice. Fine as two women. Go and have an amazing time. She's probably jealous.

I think it’s the fact it’s a women’s group. Whilst many members are going to be normal pleasant people, it’s inevitable that it would attract outliers who are a bit weird. You just need to ignore them.

This. Next time just casually lean back in your chair, raise one eyebrow and say nothing.

If you’ve never reacted to someone like this before practice in the mirror at home. If you can’t raise just one eyebrow yet you can teach yourself to do it. An arched eyebrow = a thousand words 😀

Yes, I've had people be rude to me and shit, not because they were a woman but because some people are arseholes.

You need to have a set of stock responses you can apply any time you come across someone like her.

Thanks.
Oh.
OK.
Well, life would be boring if we were all the same.

Or you could be like me and take it up the arse for years because you're (I'M!!) a people pleasing doormat terrified of conflict until that terrible moment of completely snapping and saying sorry, did I pass out and miss the part where I asked you for your opinion? I don't care what you think about anything.

Don't get to that point. Speak up in more subtle ways before you lose your shit and nuke those bridges from orbit.

Ah OP I feel your pain. I have this with a woman at work - for some reason she just doesn't like me, end of, and I honestly don't have a clue why as I've never been anything but professional and friendly with her. She sounds very much like your one - puts me down in front of others whenever she can. I have let it get to me occasionally. I think they must be quite insecure these type of people, as they need to call others out in public for - well, just for existing it seems. I suppose they must feel powerful and more important when they do it, which is why as well they'll usually pick on the friendliest person in the group to do it with. It's all about power, and hiding their insecurities. It's a form of bullying actually. But, and it's a big but, it says more about them than it does you. In fact, it's all about them, they're the ones with the problem - carrying great big chips around on their shoulders and looking for nice people to take down. The best way to deal with them is literally blank them. Don't engage in conversation, don't meet with them unless it simply cannot be avoided and if they start to pick away call them out on it - every single time. "I'm sorry, I'm don't follow you." With a bemused face. And then turn to talk to someone else.

Just wanted you to know that I've experienced the same and it really does destroy your confidence but that's how they want you to feel!!! So remember it's not you, it's them, and avoid avoid avoid

"Theres always one dear" as my dear FIL used to say when 99.9% of the office were all perfectly pleasant , and one seemed to be pleased if she could be as annoying as possible! As PP have said she was probably annoyed at not being centre stage. Ignore her and crack on with your plans with your DD.Honestly not going anywhere without a man? What era are we in FFS! By her reckoning no one single or divorced/widowed would ever go anywhere!

All those things are indeed possibilities @cerisepanther73
but I question the constant wheeling out of jealousy as a reason for every misstep or upset. People seem to love the idea that other people are jealous of them, and the constant need to see oneself as being envied is a bit smug and distasteful imo. There's a remote possibility the woman may be jealous of a trip to Spain. However, I'd say in this day and age its a bit commonplace to evoke a reaction based in envy. It's just as likely the woman does indeed hate Spain and is a tactless busybody. Or is overly anxious about the percieved risks for female travellers. Or is just a bit odd.

I love this!

Best approach when dealing with numpties 😊

Your new unfriendly group member would not like to be me. I sometimes travel overseas for work. I've taken transatlantic flights, hired cars and travelled all over the US and European continents, all by my lonesome.

Did I miss the memo about needing a male chaperone?

Surely, OP, you're not going to waste headspace worrying about the antediluvian views of dicks like this? Note, 'dick'. She doesn't behave this way because she's a woman. She does it because she's a dick.

I think almost by definition the group is going to be full of lonely women who maybe haven't got anyone to go on hoilday with. Maybe you just need to be a little sensitive to that. perhaps?

Let's assume this actually was the reason for her behaviour. Perhaps people who bond in a group without creating friction could, once they get to know each other well enough, eventually go away with each other if they don't feel comfortable doing so alone. That's if they avoid alienating other members of the group with their unpleasant, hectoring behaviour to start with. No one wants to go on holiday with people who are likely to be this high maintenance.

I have an old school friend: her life didn't work out the way she wanted and her marriage broke down just at the point when it was otherwise too late for her to have a child. She's a wonderful human being who didn't deserve this, and I make a point of travelling on occasional overseas trips with her.

If you're a good friend to others, people will care about you in return and make a point of prioritizing you. And if you don't like someone it's perfectly possible jsut to maintain the basic civilities and stay at a distance. You don't have to make a point of showing them your dislike.

@JFT Thank you for this message, it basically describes the situation really well and yes when these things happen it is upsetting. Especially when you're expecting a more supportive reaction from other women.
Thanks again, I couldn't have put it any better myself! 💐 xx

Thanks everyone for your lovely supportive messages! Especially those that have shared their experiences of going away on holiday solo, with mums, with daughters!

Those who thought my reaction was "weird", well I'm not sure what's so weird about a perfectly human reaction to a not very nice person!
Those who said I should "woman- up", I agree! I'm not usually this sensitive to be honest, but personal issues and hormones are a difficult combination! So trying to get back to being "me" isn't always easy.

My take on this would be that she must have led a very narrow life to think this, or be very insecure, and I would probably feel bemused and a bit sorry for her. I mean this kindly but YABU to let her views get to you so much , you should not be giving this any headspace. Do you struggle with self esteem or confidence generally? I would just avoid her at the next meet up.

FGS. She is jealous and a little bit insecure. I'm afraid the more positive you are with these types, the more they dig in with their vinegary ways.

@KimberleyClark "nasty little piss ferret" 🤣🤣🤣 this made my laugh love it!

FWIW, I disagree with the posers who have said you should woman up or that your reaction was weird.
I think, genuinely the world can be an unkind place, and we all have things to navigate that are hard, day to day. If we're in social settings with people, and they're sharing in their life, isn't it just nice to be nice to other people?
Empathise when things aren't going well, celebrate when they are?
She could have chosen to have taken an interest, and not been a raging cow to you.

How much would it have hurt her to say, ooh nice! That'll be a lovely time for you and DD, it's become nippy here the past few days! I hope it's warm for you. Or, I worry when I travel, so I couldn't do it without my DH, I'm envious of your bravery!

It really isn't hard to be nice or complimentary, and I think I'd react a bit like you have if I was in the company of someone who chose to be rude like she was.

Ignore her OP. She is strange. Enjoy your holiday with your DD.

Yes, this happens to me all the while. I have been told I am so nice, (I'm not)
I think for me, we moved away due to work. We lived in London. I grew up and worked in the city but moved to a village. I just don't fit in and 15 years on i am glad i didnt as i have my friends. I always remember a affluent mother at the school gate when my oldest was starting reception. She came up to me and said hi, I think you may need elocution lessons. I was expecting hi, I am Alice mum. Normal way to greet someone. At first I was taken aback but then I thought fu@k you and everytime i bumped into her i would sound like Mikey Flanagan. (I love Mikey) I grew a pair and they kept growing. I have learnt you will meet some batsh*t people but you will also meet your tribe and nice people along the way. Let her comments go over your head and dont waste your tears on this woman. Go away and have a fantastic break with your DD.

Honestly OP, my daughter is only 10 months old but I very much hope we'll have the kind of relationship where we do things like this together in 20 years' time.

@MargotBamborough thank you for your lovely message! You've got all the wonderful years to look forward to with your daughter. Its a beautiful journey, enjoy it! 💕

I can’t take credit for that gem, it was @WiddlinDiddlin!

Fuck me, OP. Does she think you're off to the Hindu Kush on a donkey? It's Spain, with your daughter. I'm sure it's perfectly safe.
I go away fairly regularly with my Mum. I've been round the world myself, and all over 4 continents. We've not yet been kidnapped and sold into slavery.
I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. I would ignore her, and pity her, if she never goes anywhere without her husband.

The batshittery is strong with this one.

I have done placements in West Africa on my own, taught tefl in Japan on my own, stayed for a week in a beach bungalow on a Thai island on my own, met up with other females and hung out in various cities, taken my young dd on long weekends to various places on my own .....

She is bat shit crazy.

And I think women who won't/can't do anything without their husband are pathetic. (And vice versa for that matter).

She sounds like she's stuck in the 1950s. In fact women were probably more independent than her in the 50s.

In what way is Spain particularly dangerous or risky anyway ... It's not south africa or the red zone in central America or a fundamentalist Islamic state. There might be some pick pocketing in some cities; so you watch your stuff, end of.

On top of that, she's been to Spain and she hates it.... what, all of Spain??!!

The coasts, the interior, the mountains, the plains, the Basque country and North, the islands?? Spain is a gigantic country.

Unless she has been to the exact same resort/location as you, she doesn't have a fkg clue. ...and even then,.look at top advisor; people can have hugely varying experiences of a resort.

None of this makes any sense.

What worries me is that ... Instead of looking at her with an expression of "oh fuck I'm in the presence of madness" and going home shaking your head about how nuts she is .... You've actually treated what she's said like it's valid and gotten upset.

You should have gone for a polite, ironic brush off (you don't want to let crazies trigger you in a group, especially when youre newish).then gone home and been glad you're not a weirdo like her.

She sounds mental. It's Spain not Iran.

Enjoy your holiday.