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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset over this woman all evening and most of Sunday

254 replies

Wheresmemum · 27/11/2023 00:30

So I've recently joined a women's social group and went out with them for the second time last night. Everything seemed fine and we were all still getting to know each other. But I noticed one woman being really "off" with me. I genuinely didn't say anything wrong to her and be offensive in any way. So as I was telling the others that I'm really excited because my 20 year old daughter and I are planning on going away for a few days to Spain, she piped up and told me and everyone that I'll really hate it. She said she'd been and it was awful so I'll find it awful too! She also added that she couldn't believe I'm going on holiday with my daughter and wasn't I worried about safety? Us being two women travelling alone! I was really upset and annoyed, mainly because I was really looking forward to getting away (arsehole husband issues) and she went on and on about how she'd never go anywhere without her husband blah blah blah 😬She isn't aware of my issues with AH (Arsehole Husband). Anyway, I let her get to me to the point where I came home and just cried and started worrying that maybe going away with my daughter might not be such a good idea after all. And I really can't understand what this woman's issue was! The sad thing is this isn't the first time this has happened with women, I seem to set them off in some way! Someone told me that I'm too nice and that gets to them, why I don't know! (I'm a woman too btw, in case my post makes it sounds like I'm not ☺️) I have a few lovely close friends so I'm capable of making friends with other women. Has anyone else had this experience of other women behaving "off" with them without reason?

OP posts:
OldGreyBoots · 27/11/2023 02:07

Please don't doubt your trip! When I was 22, me and my mum went to Poland just the two of us, and we both agreed it was one of the nicest holidays we'd had - so nice to spend that time together, and it'll be the same for you I'm sure Smile

EmmaEmerald · 27/11/2023 02:15

Some people have narrow lives and weird ideas

I expect she'd not deign to speak to a single woman.

I live alone and was once asked by a similar weirdo if I told neighbours when to expect me home. Then it came up that I'd had a lovely trip abroad with my sister. She got quite angry and said she'd hated her family holiday there and "there was nothing to do for kids, it's a terrible place".

Jealousy maybe?

flowerchild2000 · 27/11/2023 02:27

WandaWonder · 27/11/2023 01:47

I don't know what's more insans original issues that get posted or the fact 'jealously'is endlessly used to excuse the behaviour

Who has the more issues to resolve the original odd person or the 'it has to be jealous' person

It's weird

what the actual fuck

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/11/2023 02:33

Honestly she sounds like a mumsnet reply come to life 🤣

If you wouldn’t let a reply here saying the same thing get to you then you can easily ignore the live version!

Seriously, For science the next time you see her bring up some MN hot topics and note her responses.

-How far should a chicken stretch
-when should your Christmas tree go up and down?
-Windchimes, yes or nay

Lesvaillantes · 27/11/2023 02:35

JFT · 27/11/2023 01:40

I'm not the OP but I think that happy healthy well balanced kind and loving people get really upset when someone who's a vicious deranged pompous bully home in on something they value and group shame them.

It speaks to group dynamics and it wounds nice people to the core because it's primal stuff. It's a shock to the system if one hasn't experienced it before (or leastways not since infant school). OP was out trying to socialise with a new group and got rounded on and target for no reason whatsoever. That hurts. And the subject at hand was something dear and precious to them.

This is why bullies, toxic people, narcs, bitches, or whatever one wishes to call them do real harm to innocent decent people. For me, I've been around the block a few times, I've met a heck of a lot of weird and wonderful people, and I'm jaded and experienced enough in the ways of dysfunctional hateful people that it's all par for the course but even then I get dismayed. They take the shine off things. It's important if one witnesses this crap to stand beside the victim and support them. If they're upset it's because they're nice.

I agree wholeheartedly JFT, so few people do stick their heads above the parapet though.

Op this woman obviously saw you as a threat somehow, simply because you were a newcomer and therefore, in her eyes, potentially in a position to challenge her position as “leader” of the group. So she moved swiftly to stamp you down as soon as she could using any ridiculous means possible.

This says far more about her, and her insecurities, than it does about you. I find it helpful to remember that in order to allow someone to hurt you, you have to respect them and their opinion. And you know in your heart of hearts that what she said is utterly ridiculous. And her intentions were obviously malevolent. So why give any credence to (a) someone whose opinions are frankly batshit and (b) someone who thinks it’s acceptable to be rude and unpleasant to someone when they’ve only just met?

If you want to continue attending the group then the way to tackle this is to get the numbers of a few of the women who seem nice who aren’t the “main players”, get talking to them individually over time, and then start meeting up with them individually outside of the group, so you have some allies when you are all together inside the group.

And when this batshit woman challenges you again, because she will, be ready to very politely but calmly stand up to her. You may have to be quite forceful about it in a very contained way but be careful to pause, breathe, stand up very straight, look her in the eye, and do not, whatever you do, lose your composure.

Use “I “ statements such as “I am more than happy to travel without a man in tow thanks, my days of needing a chaperone are long gone” (it doesn’t matter what you say as long as it clearly contradicts her statements).

And when you have said your piece and contradicted her, leave it hanging in the air. Don’t be tempted to fill the silence with more words and continue to hold her gaze. I promise this works every time.

JANEY205 · 27/11/2023 02:37

Maybe she had her own negative experience in Spain. I wouldn’t go to Barcelona with just a female friend (I don’t have daughters) as I didn’t like it and felt unsafe there when I went even with a group. The rest of Spain I have loved! But then I wouldn’t have let a strangers comment make me cry or cared tbh. I have friends who wont shop in certain parts of town that I go to. Their comments don’t bother me as it’s their choice.
I do find people going on about travel plans really boring especially if I’ve just met them so was she trying to steer the convo somehow?

AliceOlive · 27/11/2023 02:40

This seems like a massive overreaction to the stupid opinion of a complete stranger.

Sounds like this particular group is not for you. Why would you give it any further thought?

Marchitectmummy · 27/11/2023 03:08

From that account,it sounds like the woman lacks social skills rather than being unkind. Ignore her views, they are hers and they do not align with yours and that's fine. Perhaps she's had an experience to make her paranoid, or perhaps she reads you as a person you aren't, either way it doesn't matter.

Have courage and trust your own decisions. You have allowed someone to weaken your own judgement- don't.

Fraaahnces · 27/11/2023 03:12

Some people are like heat-seeking missiles when it comes to the happiness of others. Do you remember that nursery rhyme where personality traits were assigned to the day of the week the baby was born? I’m guessing she’s Wednesday’s Child. (Fickle of Woe). Wouldn’t know fun if it bit her on the bum.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/11/2023 03:26

JANEY205 · 27/11/2023 02:37

Maybe she had her own negative experience in Spain. I wouldn’t go to Barcelona with just a female friend (I don’t have daughters) as I didn’t like it and felt unsafe there when I went even with a group. The rest of Spain I have loved! But then I wouldn’t have let a strangers comment make me cry or cared tbh. I have friends who wont shop in certain parts of town that I go to. Their comments don’t bother me as it’s their choice.
I do find people going on about travel plans really boring especially if I’ve just met them so was she trying to steer the convo somehow?

I went to Barcelona with my mother and we were fine.

amylou8 · 27/11/2023 03:46

She's probably jealous of you. You have a nicer daughter than her, or just a daughter and she doesn't. You're younger/slimmer/prettier. Better job, house....could be anything. Some people are just odd. Either way it's her problem not yours.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 27/11/2023 03:54

She has no social skills OP. I bet that woman has put negative reviews all over the web and is dissatisfied with a lot. My mother would talj that way. Life was full of dire predictions and warnings, I ended up with a lot of anxieties and always feeling criticized. Go to Spain with your dd, have a great time, my friend goes yearly, it is her homeland.

JoanOfAllTrades · 27/11/2023 03:58

Wouldn’t go on holiday without her husband? Such old fashioned thinking! I bet she wears frumpy clothes as well! Silly moo!

TBH, she sounds like one of those people who goes abroad, doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t speak English, wants to eat Fish and Chips because she doesn’t “do” foreign muck and is generally pessimistic and dissatisfied with her life!

Go to Spain, eat paella, drink Rioja, visit some fabulous churches and mosques and generally relax and have a good time.

Don't let a her problem become a you problem!

JANEY205 · 27/11/2023 04:06

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/11/2023 03:26

I went to Barcelona with my mother and we were fine.

Ok and I went to Barcelona with a mixed group and two of the people in our group got attacked and mugged with physical violence. What is your point? Your experience doesn’t discount mine. I felt unsafe at other points during the trip too. I’ve been to Spain and Majorca a lot (OP I’d absolutely recommend Alcudia!!) and Barcelona is not somewhere I’d feel comfortable going again. I feel the same way about Paris and I’m sure other people have been and loved it. It should be ok to share negative experiences.

Mystro202 · 27/11/2023 04:06

flowerchild2000 · 27/11/2023 01:41

It's always jealousy.

1️⃣0️⃣0️⃣%

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 27/11/2023 04:16

She sounds like a silly sour cow. She probably doesn't even get on with her daughter or have one for that matter.

My very young son once said to me in a supermarket that there was somebody that disliked me a lot. He drew my attention to a woman who was absolutely staring daggers at me. I didn't recognise her at all. It's her problem I think.

I'm sure you'll have a fabulous time with your daughter.

MassageForLife · 27/11/2023 04:22

She should like exactly the kind of person you know to have as little to do with as possible. She's the one with the issues!!

Fwiw, I've been to Spain three times with my daughter, and we've had a great time every time. And one of the times, she was around your daughters age.

I would happily travel to Spain all by myself - she has a really bizarre attitude towards what women should and shouldn't do!

Pay her no attention and have a great time.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 27/11/2023 04:33

Just ignore her and enjoy your holiday with your daughter. I mean this kindly, but you do need to understand that there are people like this in the world, you can't avoid them. What you can do is smile, ignore her, and move on with your life. Life really is too short to pay any attention to this sort of nonsense.

ohdamnitjanet · 27/11/2023 04:34

If anyone told me I shouldn’t go to Spain with my daughter I’d tell them they were fucking nuts. It’s hardly Afghanistan.

Blueskiesforecast · 27/11/2023 04:45

Spain is a lot safer than the UK. You might appreciate a man in Egypt or Morocco for example but you can relax in Spain!

pasturesgreen · 27/11/2023 04:46

Why are you so over invested in the opinion of a random near-stranger you've met twice?

The woman sounds batshit. Not going away without the husband? What is it, 1853? Don't let her issues get to you: go, have a fab time with your daughter and either give batshit woman a wide berth at future group meetings, or going a different group altogether!

CherryBlossoms88 · 27/11/2023 05:07

Do not give her a second thought. Probably jealousy and wanted to bring you down a peg or too! Honestly these women/men who do this are so ridiculous and have low self esteem, they revel in shit like this to feel better about themselves.

Honestly just ignore and have a lovely time with your daughter!

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 27/11/2023 05:10

I'd assume that it was her lack of self confidence in never travelled without her DH that jarred her, and the whole hating Spain thing? We all holiday differently.
Rather presumptuous that she knows what you'll hate and not hate...second time meeting you.

She's a massive dick, and her opinion shouldn't matter a jot to you

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/11/2023 05:10

Ignore her, she's a cow.

I've been on holiday with my.Mum to France and Spain, and it's been fine. Have a lovely time with your daughter.

Shoxfordian · 27/11/2023 05:32

Yabu to be upset all evening and Sunday because of some random woman; why do you care what she thinks?

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