So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

I would probably write:
"It's tempting to say, 'Avoid low necked tops. You don't want to offend people and lose friends when you are at your most vulnerable.' But actually I know how hellish it is and how lonely when good friends abandon you, so do get in touch if you have specific questions or concerns. I'd be happy to answer them if I can."

I think you handled that perfectly!
Both friends were absolutely awful to you, especially the second one and I'm glad you ditched them and moved on.

I would have been tempted to ask if she'd had her brass neck valued for insurance purposes.
Your response was fantastic though @Fartooold 👏

Great reply. Glad you are in a better place but sorry about the loss of your husband. Life can be more cruel to some than others x

They behaved appallingly but if you want to offer support then do that. You can show them how proper friends behave.

But... I would absolutely tell her how upset you were and why before you do anything. She needs to know. Let her squirm.

This. 100%.

I think you wrote the perfect message, OP. It's very sad she has BC but it's even sadder she's such a complete and utter bitch.

@Fartooold so sos sorry for their behaviour, that is absurd & absolutely disgraceful.

I would be inclined to send back "my advice is to find better friend because the way my "friends" treated me was disgusting."

And then block her.

Different situation but I lost just about everything last year, job. Partner, my best friend who was more like a sister. My friends were absolutely no where.

This year they are all clamouring out if the woodwork because I am getting married soon and they want to nosy. I have blocked every last one. No explanation given. Just blocked.

Tell her your advice is to not have friends like her.

Gosh OP, just an “okay” not even a thanks for the link or an “understand” what an absolute CF. You did the right response.

her reply shows you did the right thing- she couldn't even apologise and try to bridge that gap!

Christ what an awful woman

YANBU.

Well done FarTooOld. I think you have handled it admirably and kindly. You have given her some pointers for advice and support but also made it clear that you can see her for the awful person she is.

As someone who has sadly also experienced horrific times, I can wholeheartedly agree that you find out who your true friends in crisis.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. It really is uplifting to hear that despite the awful times you have had with your BC, DH and 'friends', that you have found much better people to surround yourself with.

Oof OP I think your message was perfect. You don't need to put yourself out there for people who treated you so badly, but also you were kind in your delivery and showed class and maturity. Well done.

I bet she's having the realisation now how bad she and the other friend treated you, but don't make space for her in your life.

Be the better person. You will never regret it.

She has been.

She can literally find a support group to attend and get personal advice. You owe her nothing.

It's not unreasonable but I suppose it could be an opportunity to bring it up and talk about it, if you actually wanted to. People can grow and change. Some don't, of course.

Tell her to ODFOD. What a cow.

You can click again on NOT.

Oh my word OP, they sound horrible. I've had breast cancer too - an awful experience.

When I read your first post my initial reaction was a terrible attempt to lighten the mood from the second friend. I can imagine one of my friends doing that, she said I was looking for attention one time when I arrived to the parkrun with my needle thing strapped to my arm. But it actually was funny that time because I used to joke "right time to get some sympathy from strangers" whenever i would reveal it. Plus she couldn't do enough to help me.

Your second post about them not being around made it much clearer that they are simply dismissive nasty women.

I had a different experience with another 'friend', let's call her Sophie. She had previously been avoiding me and not answering my messages after us being frequent meeting up friends. I thought she was a lovely person and was upset to think I must have offended her. I wrote to her asking her if I had done something, that I never intended to and to let me know as I would want to apologise. I said we used to be great friends and I missed her. She read it, ignored for a month then sent me some flippant reply calling me melodramatic and went right back to leaving me out of plans and ignoring me. I accepted she clearly disliked me and mentally washed my hands of her. I didn't tell anyone else in our friendship group.

A year or two later I got diagnosed with cancer. One of the women in the group with whom I was closest obviously messaged the others. Sophie emailed saying she was sorry to hear my news and to let her know if she could do anything to help and could we meet. I wrote back and said thank you for the offer but she had made it clear she didn't want to be friends so I didn't want to meet as she obviously didn't like me. I went on to say I asked her at the time what I had done and she had chosen not to tell me which was her perogative. I said I wished her all the best and sorry if my email came across harsh but I was coping with a lot.

She wrote back an absolute stinker. I'll never forget it. Half of it was in caps. She ranted about how harsh doesn't even begin to cover it then said here are her reasons for cutting me off that I'd wanted (they were seriously so trivial I laughed bitterly at how much I'd worried initially) how she was sorry I was sick and if I needed help not to call her, how I never cared about anyone but myself... A complete character assassination. She signed off with her name and 'not your friend'

I was genuinely disgusted. A week later she wrote again apologising confiding about some personal problems she was having. I accepted her apology and had lunch with her, I'm always pleasant in the group but I never ever felt the same about her again after that.

I think you have done the right thing with your ex friend once you're comfortable with it.

I feel like you should forgive her and be the bigger person, and maybe it'd be interesting, but I voted YANBU...because that was just such a horrible thing to say.

I have slept on it, and much as my instinct is to help ( I well remember that initial panic mode), I don't want to be friends with her again and to be honest, I think once the initial shock has worn off she might regret contacting me too!
I've sent a message this morning saying I was sorry to hear of her diagnosis but felt that after so many years of having no contact with her I was not in a position to help.
I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

Couldn't resist that one😆

What a perfect response @Fartooold ! Gave her good practical advice and told her off at the same time by reminding her of her previous behaviour, without actually saying so. She should blush when she reads it..

I'm so glad to hear that after recovering from breast cancer but sadly losing your DH, life is better for you now.

My goodness! So glad you have chosen not to get involved.

Your reply was kinder than many would be.

Nothing to be gained get involved with someone so truly ugly again.

I'm delighted to read your life is good again.

Pity that man realising just how vile his wife is.
Likely he knows well though.

What do you want to do? You owe her nothing, so don't let her guilt trip you, but that doesn't mean contact is not the best option. What do you want to do?