So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

You're a kind and dignified person, OP.

You've dealt with this marvellously.

I wouldn't have criticised you if you'd have wanted to check if there was any friendship to be salvaged from this contact but then again as they say 'never go back'.

Those ladies are NOT your friends however, and I'm speaking as a BC patient myself.

I wouldn't let anyone go through this without the benefit of my advice if they asked. It doesn't need to be extensive, you could just signpost them to local support groups etc.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here and I am furious over how they treated you <shower of shites> BUT I remember just how frightening it was at the beginning and the vast quantity of conflicting and confusing information is presented at the beginning.

There would be no harm in wishing her well and sending her some links if you feel you don't have the emotional energy for more. And there would be no shame in doing nothing either. You are a good soul to even consider it.

Stay well.

'You and X, Y an dZ were all pretty horrible to me for daring to let a scar become visible after I went through breast cancer.. Those scars are why I am still here. Where were you when I needed support?'

Seriously. Ask her. Quietly. And wait for her answer.

Oh dear! People get embarrassed by seeing things like mastectomy scars. It's silly and illogical, but they do. And then they say silly things, in this case a VERY silly thing. Then it escalates...

You have every right to burn bridges permanently. Or you have a chance to start a new one and get a friend back. Which do you WANT to do?

Agree with this one. Minimum amount of help possible (bar giving none).

After what a bastard she was to you, I wouldn't help her

Im so, so sorry this happened to you. How friends could be so cruel about everything you had gone through must have been utterly devastating.

if I were you I would try to remain dignified (so maybe not tell her to go fuck herself in so many words although I would be tempted), but she wouldn’t be forgiven for how she had treated me just because she now has BC.

something along the lines of “I’m sorry to
hear your news. I hope you have some good friends around you to support you, not ones who are going to be cruel and mock you about having BC at some point in the future like I did. Good day.”

Bravo! Well done for sticking to your boundaries. You would have regretted it if you didn’t.

Just point her in the right direction to find help, assistance and support. Don't offer any of these yourself. And yes, I would tell her why : you humiliated me, you hurt me, so don't count on me but hey, here's a list of places you might get help.

You’ve had cancer and your husband has died and they weren’t there for you? Not friends. I’m sorry for your loss and that such an awful thing happened to you at that dinner.

It is very weird how long standing friends can turn on you when you become ill. I had this happen to me last year, it was someone who I had considered a very good friend. The signs were there all the time, I think if you always look for the best in people it can happen.
I don't miss her and her behaviour was so sneaky after I confronted her I feel absolutely nothing for her now. I suppose I'm still shocked that I missed her true nature after decades of being friends.

"I dont think the OP went completely into detail on this post but on her original post she explained that essentially she left the table and the women then had a chat and decided OP was flaunting her scars for sympathy and they felt it unnecessary and appointed one of them spokeswoman who then approached her in the bathroom in a really nasty way.

So actually I think all were equally nasty to discuss/bitch about the OP, then to not see how awful it was, then to also not even try and support after the loss of her DH. So I think it was far more than just pointing out a slipped top."

Completely agree.@randomuser2019

I don't believe it is right to guilt a woman who has been treated so dreadfully and has lost her husband to do the right thing and re-traumatise herself in the process, just because one of these dreadful women now has breast cancer.

She has a fine big nasty mouth on her, I'm sure she will have zero difficulty finding out what she needs to know.

OP, do not allow this poisonous person near your precious life to take away your hard won peace.

Most times I'd put aside the past and bend over to get kicked again. In a very similar situation to yours I gave someone the hard word. You're completely justified in refusing her your support. Forget the well I took the moral high ground stuff. Follow your heart and tell her no dice.

Don’t waste your energy. 💖

OP, whatever you decide to do gets my total support. Or be indecisive, I support that too. Hugs and fist bumps from a pseudonymous stranger.

I would definitely reply "sorry I don't like to go on about my BC apparently..." Then block. Awful people.

Wait. When you most needed you're friend's presence and support, she and others went rogue and bullied you. They disappeared for years only to come back now because their in need?

SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND. STAY AWAY, SHE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN

I’m ever so sorry I was somewhat disappointed when I got to the end of your post. I was full sure it was going to be AIBU to shag her husband 🫢

Honestly tell her to go fuck herself. I can’t believe that anyone would say what I’m reading, I’m not easily shocked at all but that is disgusting. What kind of person was she to say something like that. Don’t give people a second chance to treat you like shit. Honestly walk away.

Wow, I’m surprised you’re conflicted. Your friend was rude, insensitive, hasn’t apologised or been in touch for years, even with the passing of your husband UNTIL there is something in it for her. I really wouldn’t give her the time of day and use that energy to focus on yourself; reach out to other potential friends or groups instead. She has shown her true colours & will not change despite the cancer.

If you must reply, tell her you’re sorry to hear of her cancer and know exactly what she’s going through but cannot forgive her cruel behaviour, but perhaps now she will understand just how awful she was to you.

I think you're first duty is to yourself, this woman will take your support and advice and then leave you.

If you're up to providing support and advice then do it for someone who appreciates what it takes to offer this.

I think you're first duty is to yourself, this woman will take your support and advice and then leave you.

If you're up to providing support and advice then do it for someone who appreciates what it takes to offer this.

Tell her to go fuck herself and the rest. Bitch from hell she is.

The OP has already replied to this woman.