So, so conflicted....

[Fartooold]

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

Hey OP just to say well done on your response, but also look after yourself in terms of the unwanted memories this might have brought up. Five years ago I was suddenly and seriously ill, and someone I thought was a friend openly mocked me for it. I've heard through a mutual friend that the friend who mocked me also had the same medical emergency earlier this year, and just even thinking about her behaviour at that time seriously retraumatised me.

That was a very classy response @Fartooold and clearly draws a line under that particular relationship. I'm glad you now have better friendships and wish you all the best for the future. 🌹

I can’t actually believe anyone would be so cruel as to ever say that. I would message saying you wish her all the best with her treatment, but that you were hurt so badly by that group, you dont wish to be friends with any of them.

the first one was probably being kind telling you the top had slipped but should of been there for you after that night too.

Which one got in touch?

To be fair the first may have just been pointing out you where having for lack of a better term a 'nip slip' moment. She might genuinely of thought if the top wasn't designed to expose the scar and had slipped that it was an accident you might not want on display.

My scar is luckily very small and discrete right in the middle where nipples located but due to where it is my whole boob area would be out for it to be out so I would totally expect a friend to be like 'house put your tit away' if my top fell off. I wouldn't necessarily take that personally against my surgery.

The second woman however sounds like an asshole. If it is second woman though then Karma is already punishing her so you don't have too. (but its totally up to you if you ignore or engage).

This^

Bloody hell, they sound evil. What absolutely horrible comments to make.
At the very most I’d send her a link to breast cancer support, then block. You owe her absolutely nothing.

That's a brilliant response. I am in awe.

They sound awful sorry she’s ill (see normal caring) but yeah she can F off

Just refuse

It was a traumatic time for me & my family and I'm not mentally strong enough to go back to it now to support you, especially as I no longer have my DH to support me.

You could not have handled that better, well done!

Advise her not to wear low-cut tops when out with friends. I'm sure she will thank you for it.

“Okay”

That response from her confirms you’ve made the right call @Fartooold. Where is the acknowledgement, even the thanks for your response?. She may as well have sent a message along the lines of “are you available to be used at the moment?”. Imagine if you had followed your instinct to support her; put yourself out, given advice, overruled your feelings about her, revisited some uncomfortable territory from your past illness, all for her, and when she was done with your support what then? I’m glad you’ve moved on, this group only deserve each other.

Okay.

Aren't you glad you didn't offer more support? Where's the apology, the acknowledgement of her bad treatment of you, or even the advice you've just given her? Still entitled, insensitive and incapable of empathy it seems.

If you want to offer support . You should offer support . Then some where further down the line yes you should comment if her top slips . And see how she feels . But two wrongs don't make a right . Sending every good wish either way.

You know what I'd suggest? Total silence.
You've been treated really horribly.

Sorry OP, posted before I saw your inspired reply!

I wouldn't have anything to do with her other than say - at times like this you will find out who your friends are and who are not. The hospital will provide you with the support organisations. I hope you receive more support from your 'friends' than I did but I am not able to forgive and forget.

You could just read OP's posts. There's only six of them.

So pleased you have good Friends and are in a better place now. Truly shocking how they behaved.

As a cancer survivor myself, I would tell them the same I have told people who have asked me after they were no support to myself or my young children at the time. I send links to support groups that I know of and wish them luck.

I figure, they couldn't be bothered, they are not my friends.

Ignore and block! Having cancer now doesn’t mean you owe her anything (I’ve had it too). I wouldn’t say anything because then it fills your head again so I’d ignore and block and never think of her again!

I remember your original thread too.

I think your response was perfect.

@Fartooold glad she has acknowledged and respected your decision.

Well done for sticking to your boundaries!

"Okay"

Well that tells you that you made the right call OP. No acknowledgement, you're not useful to her anymore so you get the bare minimum response. What a cold, selfish person she is.