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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So, so conflicted....

397 replies

Fartooold · 26/11/2023 22:04

Many years ago, I posted on MN about a group of friends (couples) who we socialised with. We were close friends, or so I thought. I had breast cancer, and a radical bilateral mastectomy. I did have reconstructive surgery a year or so later, but was left with significant scars.
I wore a nice top one night at dinner with these 'friends', and was told by one female that my top had slipped down and I was showing my scars, and the second woman joined in saying 'for fucks sake too old, we KNOW you had BC. Put it away, it's fucking ugly.
I had no idea my top had slid down, I was always quiet about my BC, I answered when questioned, but never volunteered info and I was devastated that night, I still feel the shame.
One of the husbands overheard, intervened, it all got horrible and we never saw any of them socially again. Intervening husband still popped round for coffee occasionally, but that tailed off.

Phew. Sorry for the epic story telling, but that is the background.

I've been on my own now for a couple of years since DH died, and one of the female friends has contacted me as she has breast cancer and wants advice and support, as I've been through it.

My initial reaction is to tell her to go fuck herself, but that might be a bit harsh😅

I do feel sorry for her, but where was she when I needed her support?

So, what do I do? Be the better person and help, or tell her that as my scars may offend, I'll opt out.....

So: Am I being unreasonable to refuse to help?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 27/11/2023 10:53

👏👏👏

Perfect response OP. PERFECT

Well done for not letting your instinct to be kind and polite override your worth.

DollieBantrysPantry · 27/11/2023 11:06

Excellent response OP

SlothMama · 27/11/2023 11:11

She can fuck right off, karma at work!

ActDottie · 27/11/2023 11:14

Not unreasonable at all.

Id probably send some reply that offers support but is incredibly vague and non committal but in terms of actually offering support and being there for her no way.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 27/11/2023 11:18

Perfect response @Fartooold I hope you are surrounded by much better people now

MsRosley · 27/11/2023 11:21

You did the right thing, OP. As they say, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 27/11/2023 11:27

Gracious and dignified response, OP. Flowers

tkwal · 27/11/2023 11:30

You owe them nothing but you know how it feels to have been abandoned while you were ill. You don't have to rush back to her with a view to becoming bffs but maybe offering her some insight as to what lies ahead for her could give you an opportunity to deal with some of the negative feelings you hold towards her

Louise303 · 27/11/2023 11:32

There is no way I would help cheeky cow what they did to you was very cruel.

RedGreenYellowSchmellow · 27/11/2023 11:32

I think karma has done it for you OP. I would be extra nice to her, and maybe one day she will say sorry...

Roselilly36 · 27/11/2023 11:33

How terrible to be spoken to like that OP, totally shocking. Not sure I could forgive such rude and uncaring behaviour. Don’t be used. I hope you are ok and still cancer free and have some nice, supportive friends around you.

WowOK · 27/11/2023 11:37

Fartooold · 27/11/2023 07:18

Thanks everyone, it has been really useful hearing everyone's opinion and I really appreciate it.
I have slept on it, and much as my instinct is to help ( I well remember that initial panic mode), I don't want to be friends with her again and to be honest, I think once the initial shock has worn off she might regret contacting me too!
I've sent a message this morning saying I was sorry to hear of her diagnosis but felt that after so many years of having no contact with her I was not in a position to help.
I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

Couldn't resist that one😆

I'm not contacting nice husband because if he asked me to help I'd feel crap.

I don't expect to hear from any of them again to be honest.

Thank you so much for your help - it really helped me to clarify what I was feeling.

Great response. More gracious than I would have been.

Stillwaitingfor · 27/11/2023 11:40

You owe her nothing. She can go to others for support. I'm so sorry about your illness and your husband.

User890976 · 27/11/2023 11:44

I’m a bit confused because OP says the woman with BC is the first woman who just told her her top has fallen down. Is that not what a friend would do, scars or no scars, to tell someone their top has fallen down? Obviously the second woman sounds absolutely awful. Then OP mentions in a later post that her friends weren’t particularly supportive when she had BC which I guess is more the crux of the issue if this woman is then asking for help. I’m glad you’ve been able to resolve your conflict internally OP and decided on a way forward. I hope your recovery continues to go well and sorry about your DH x

Roselilly36 · 27/11/2023 11:48

Perfect response OP, I totally agree about finding out who your friends are when a crisis hits. I was dx with Multiple Sclerosis, very unexpectedly, at 40, my DS’ were very young at the time.

Many friends that I would have been certain would support me, through a very rough first few months were absent.

Good luck going forward Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 27/11/2023 11:52

Fuck that. I'd be saying I assume you don't want me to say to you what you said to me that day when you told me...

Petty? Yes.
Justified? Fuck yes.

Your response was far more mature. Let's hope she gets the meaning.

EDIT - oh, was she not the one who made the awful comment? Sorry, must have misread. Still wouldn't be there for someone who wasn't there for me though.
I'm sorry your so called friends were so shit.

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 27/11/2023 11:52

User890976 · 27/11/2023 11:44

I’m a bit confused because OP says the woman with BC is the first woman who just told her her top has fallen down. Is that not what a friend would do, scars or no scars, to tell someone their top has fallen down? Obviously the second woman sounds absolutely awful. Then OP mentions in a later post that her friends weren’t particularly supportive when she had BC which I guess is more the crux of the issue if this woman is then asking for help. I’m glad you’ve been able to resolve your conflict internally OP and decided on a way forward. I hope your recovery continues to go well and sorry about your DH x

But this woman didn't try to stay in touch with OP or try to stand up for her when friend 2 was saying nasty stuff. And she didn't try to mend fences after the dinner party or when OP's husband died. In some ways, these are the worst type of friends. Openly unpleasant people are just staying true to their nature. The nice ones who play the pick me game with the nasty ones are more of a let down, because they value their own social standing over what's right/decent.

PortalooSunset · 27/11/2023 12:00

Fartooold · 27/11/2023 07:18

Thanks everyone, it has been really useful hearing everyone's opinion and I really appreciate it.
I have slept on it, and much as my instinct is to help ( I well remember that initial panic mode), I don't want to be friends with her again and to be honest, I think once the initial shock has worn off she might regret contacting me too!
I've sent a message this morning saying I was sorry to hear of her diagnosis but felt that after so many years of having no contact with her I was not in a position to help.
I advised her to stay away from the online nutters curing cancer with the power of thought, sent her a link to a forum I used at the time and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal.

Couldn't resist that one😆

I'm not contacting nice husband because if he asked me to help I'd feel crap.

I don't expect to hear from any of them again to be honest.

Thank you so much for your help - it really helped me to clarify what I was feeling.

Blimey @Fartooold you were a lot more gracious than I'd have been in the circumstances. Good for you.

I hope you're now surrounded by good people who treat you well. Flowers

Codlingmoths · 27/11/2023 12:06

That sounds absolutely perfect

Original poster
Fartooold · 27/11/2023 12:11

User890976 · 27/11/2023 11:44

I’m a bit confused because OP says the woman with BC is the first woman who just told her her top has fallen down. Is that not what a friend would do, scars or no scars, to tell someone their top has fallen down? Obviously the second woman sounds absolutely awful. Then OP mentions in a later post that her friends weren’t particularly supportive when she had BC which I guess is more the crux of the issue if this woman is then asking for help. I’m glad you’ve been able to resolve your conflict internally OP and decided on a way forward. I hope your recovery continues to go well and sorry about your DH x

There was a lot more to that night than I posted here, but they were as bad as each other to be honest.

I had a reply - one word, "Okay"

I have a better life and fantastic friends now, much happier than I was before BC !
So, for anyone going through it, there really IS light at the end of the tunnel x

OP posts:
321user123 · 27/11/2023 12:12

Tell her to go FUCK HERSELF.
Thats the karma biting back imo.

She and the rest had not given you 1g of support or compassion let them handle it themselves.

And I’m rarely someone who acts this way, I’m usually the “be nice, they find t know better, help, bla bla bla type person)

AliceOlive · 27/11/2023 12:21

It’s refreshing to see someone respond to a person that hurt and betrayed them with such class, grace and honesty. Great job being true to yourself and kind at the same time.

longtompot · 27/11/2023 12:21

Absolutely not being unreasonable! I might have replied I'm sure Google can help, but that would have been it. I am outraged on your behalf for their behaviour at that dinner. How dare they!

Not as serious as bc, but my dd has a chronic pain condition which leaves her in pain 24-7. She was seeing someone which ended a few years ago after they weren't as ok with her disability as they led her to believe. Anyway, recently they got in touch asking for some advice to do with a long term condition they have. My dd was less helpful than they were hoping for, and was furious they would ask her after all this time.

EDIT Just seen this bit you wrote in your last post. Very good @Fartooold 👏👏

and told her she would find out who her true friends were in this time of crisis, but not to worry about losing people, the ones you end up with in the end are true and loyal

Calliopespa · 27/11/2023 12:46

I’d take the middle ground. I’d extend my genuine sympathies and say you understand what she is going through. But then I think I would bow out gracefully in terms of supporting her further. I’d say that now she is in this position she will understand how much their treatment of you hurt, especially as if was never tidied up with an apology. For that reason you think it would be more appropriate she looks elsewhere for support as it may stir up emotions in both of you which will be counterproductive for her at this time. Wish her well. Move on. She’s got a bit of a cheek - but she’s also going through something awful so I’d keep it very civil. But firm.

woodender · 27/11/2023 12:58

You sound like a lovely person who has been through a lot. I appreciate your instinct is to support, and I'm a very forgiving person myself but truly I'd not help this person.