when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

It’s not inconsiderate to go to the loo if you need to. But it is inconsiderate if you don’t make every effort to minimise disturbance to others, such as not turning on the light, not crashing around, walking quietly, and, dare I say, urinating quietly. Men often don’t aim for the porcelain bit of the toilet bowl, and a stream of urine into the water can sound quite noisy in a quiet house.

I think most people understand that he can’t help needing the loo - but the fact that he woke both you and your mother means that he is not being as quiet as he could be, and that needs to change.

our comment about staying in the house for free- what?! I'm assuming you weren't considering charging.
@mikado1
where is this comment?

Here CrumpetDisappointment apologies, I see it wasn't yours. Very strange consideration tho!

I’m autistic, I genuinely didn’t know that this question was in the same category as “how are you?” - is there anything else I should know? Neurotypicals need to tell us these things!

The thing is, a simple response is ‘ah yes, DH sometimes does that’ and move on.

My DD is a terrible sleeper. When she is home, I hear her sometimes moving around. Sometimes our morning conversation is ‘how did you sleep? I heard you up at four am’; ‘yes I was awake for an hour but then I got back to sleep. Until I heard you get up, but I went back to sleep’. etc. When my mum stays, I always start with ‘I hope you managed to sleep okay’, assuming there has been some disruption with people up and down.

Maybe next time your opener is ‘I hope DH didn’t disturb your sleep last night, sometimes he gets up in the night’. Or don’t ask.

I hate that we have a situation where people are made to feel they need to lie in response to basic questions rather than being honest about our feelings.

if you have had a shit sleep it’s fine to say it. If you’re not fine don’t feel you have to say you are. Be honest with people!

But she wasn’t complaining. She answered a question you asked, factually.

and if he’s going that often he probably needs to see a gp

If you don’t want to hear the answer to a question don’t ask it.

i would always want people to answer honestly that way i have a chance to change things for the next people who stay.

if your husband is going more than two times a night this can be a sign of poor kidney function and he should go to a Dr.

But what if it was something you could change ie the curtains needed a liner or the bed had a broken spring? Could she have mentioned that or should she have just said "fine"?

And your DH needs to see a GP if he's going multiple times a night. It's also very easy to be extra quiet so you don't disturb others.

good plan @MaryMcI

I think it was probably meant as opposed to having to stay in a hotel?

This whole thing baffles me. Are we really still at the stiff upper lip stage where we ask pointless questions and pretend everything is ok? You don’t go on for hours but it’s ok to have a chat.
my response would be “oh no sorry about that! I didn’t sleep well either” and have a little laugh about it. Then move on.

In your mother's position, if it's not a fault occurrence m, I would have said I'd had a restless or fidgity night, not wanting to have upset those who woke me. If it is more frequent then i would want to problem solve the situation so i would pick up the topic later in the day away from any heat of the moment - also no one wants to wake up and start problem solving sleeplessness!

@LittleGreenDragons
no that is an answer that is less of a personal criticism

Why on earth ask the question if you don't want the answer? This is insane. I genuinely can't get my head around your thinking.

You're basically thinking that lying is the right thing to do. You're punishing her for being an honest person.
I honestly don't know how it's possible to have a relationship with you if your questions aren't genuine and you want people in your life to lie to you and are angry when they don't.

Then don't ask the question

YOU seem to be Negative Nellie in all this

I'd have said 'I'm so sorry Mum. How annoying. Do you want tea or coffee'

When I ask my friends how they are, they tell me the truth.

I don’t want people thinking they have to lie to me to spare my over sensitive feelings. If I ask you a question then give me an honest answer! As the saying goes, don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.

Why bother asking the question if you don't want to hear an honest answer?
All you've done is set her up so that you can moan about her, without her knowing she had to pass your secret 'good guest test'.

thank you @Wolfpa he is on medication but he needs to tweak it perhaps

I’m confused why you would ask that if you want to hear a lie?

she’s your mother, do you not care about her comfort when she’s a guest in your house?

Strange take. Don't bother to ask if you're going to be prickly about it.

So it's ok if she's honest if the reason for not sleeping well isn't something your DH contributed to?

The problem is he's the reason she and you were awake so why shouldn't he be held accountable?

For all you know he turned the light on everytime, have you actually asked him?

Also agree with those saying he needs a gp appointment, going to the loo frequently in the night is a sign that something isn't working properly.

so if you went to the loo multiple times in the night and your mil complained how would you feel? ashamed,?
Concerned actually.

How bizarre.

When my parents stay I ask them how they’ve slept to make sure they’ve not had any issues so that if they have I can fix them (if possible) for the next time they stay.

OP don’t bother asking if you don’t want an honest answer. Your DM wasn’t being rude. You asked her a question, she answered honestly. It means that next time she stays you can fix the issue with either adjusting your partners noise levels when he gets up or providing a pair of earplugs.