Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

330 replies

Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:18

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 26/11/2023 07:30

My mum would lie, dh's mum wouldn't. I wouldn't either, I'm a light sleeper so people going to the bathroom would wake me. If the answer bothered you, don't ask the question. I don't see why it meant you started the day on the wrong foot. Surely she can just catch up on sleep on the journey unless she is driving?

Original poster
Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:31

it just makes the host feels bad

OP posts:
wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 26/11/2023 07:32

Surely your response is simply "I'm sorry that disturbed you" or more of an eye-rolly "you know DH - did he always get up in the night this much as a child" or, radical idea, you actually acknowledge that she was disturbed and think about if you can minimise the disturbance next time. For example, does DH need to turn the light on or could he use the torch on his phone?

TookTheBook · 26/11/2023 07:32

I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.

I also didn't realise this was a fake question... If someone asks me whether I slept well, I tell them honestly. But I wouldn't try to upset anyone (ie never mentioned being woken up by someone's child when I have been).

Why is your DH going to the toilet multiple times a night and disturbing guests?

YourNameGoesHere · 26/11/2023 07:32

What a totally batshit thing to be cross about. She's your mum of course she shouldn't lie.

Also if your DH is regularly waking you up in the middle of the night then he's an incosiderate twat. Maybe if he didn't do this regularly you wouldn't be quite so grumpy.

Original poster
Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:33

@wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain
i am pretty sure dh doesnt put the light on though - that is the point

OP posts:
smilesup · 26/11/2023 07:34

If the light makes the fan go on then surely that is good to know. DH doesn't have to turn on light, use his phone or torch? Be a lot quieter and problem solved. Much better to know.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 26/11/2023 07:35

it just makes the host feels bad

Then don't ask! Why expect her to give a performative, made-up answer to a question you could perfectly easily have avoided asking?!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/11/2023 07:35

Don't ask the question if you don't want an honest answer. I'd want to know if a family member had broken sleep at my house for any reason.

Sounds like you don't care how she slept.

Butchyrestingface · 26/11/2023 07:36

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?

Jesus Christ, it sounds like you're talking about a stranger you just met, not your own mother. I take it you don't like her much?

If you don't care about your mother's comfort, don't ask her how she slept. She probably thought she could be honest with, you know, her own child. Easy mistake to make.

Original poster
Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:36

@YourNameGoesHere
he is not an inconsiderate twat for going to the loo in the night,
he doesnt wake me - i must ask him if he puts the light on

so if you went to the loo multiple times in the night and your mil complained how would you feel? ashamed,?
it doesnt take much just to be a peacekeeper

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/11/2023 07:39

I think the only odd thing here is your reaction to her answer? Ashamed?! Of course not. I’d say “oh no mom. I didn’t realise dh was doing that. I’ll tell him to stop. I hope you’re not too tired!” And we Would all move on and have A nice day together.

YourNameGoesHere · 26/11/2023 07:40

Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:36

@YourNameGoesHere
he is not an inconsiderate twat for going to the loo in the night,
he doesnt wake me - i must ask him if he puts the light on

so if you went to the loo multiple times in the night and your mil complained how would you feel? ashamed,?
it doesnt take much just to be a peacekeeper

You said yourself you woke probably because of DH going to the loo. If it wasn't you or her then obviously it was him and yes it's inconsiderate to go to the loo frequently in the night if it disturbs people.

He shouldn't be ashamed but he's obviously not going quietly so he should be apologetic.

She shouldn't have to be a peacekeeper and lie she's your bloody mum.

NameChange1019 · 26/11/2023 07:40

I really struggle with this. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know / care. When I’m not doing great, I serve my Dad this is purely because to him the correct answer to how are you is fine thank you. I fine it quite isolating.

Desecratedcoconut · 26/11/2023 07:40

Your dh woke her up and 'possibly' you up, but no-one can mention it and you all have to pretend to have slept well?

Maybe you should give her a list of acceptable answers for perfectly ordinary questions so that she plays her part properly from here on in?

Original poster
Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:42

how can it be inconsiderate to go to the loo in the night?
it is not a choice

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 26/11/2023 07:44

I mean it's your mum not some random guest, you asked and she told you. I wouldn't have said "fine" if I was in my Dds house and i had been woken up.

YourNameGoesHere · 26/11/2023 07:45

Crumpetdisappointment · 26/11/2023 07:42

how can it be inconsiderate to go to the loo in the night?
it is not a choice

Because he's waking people up by doing so. It's not a hard concept to grasp. Hmm

It's possible to go quietly and not disturb others but he's not doing that, therefore he's being inconsiderate.

GoingOffOnATangent · 26/11/2023 07:45

Just stick to 'morning, what a beautiful frosty morning, what can I tempt you with for breakfast?' next time.
False interest in how she slept is just bizarre.
I'd assume you wanted to know so you could make tweaks for guest comfort if needed, so light going on in the night distributing her, shut door next time, etc

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 26/11/2023 07:46

I think you have bigger issues than this to be honest, if you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question. If you don’t like your mum or find the relationship difficult, manage your visits.

AhBiscuits · 26/11/2023 07:46

I would say 'not bad thanks' in most circumstances, but not my own family.
I don't think you have a very close relationship with your mother if you begrudge her being honest with you.

Mrsjayy · 26/11/2023 07:49

you could have said something along the lines of yes that light is noise or something, and move on.

mikado1 · 26/11/2023 07:49

How strange. I would answer the question asked and then wouldn't give it snother thought. Did it somehow set you on the wring foot? Your comment about staying in the house for free- what?! I'm assuming you weren't considering charging.

Imo this is more about your own inability to what you see as complain, which really isn't, and maybe being a bit over tolerant/grateful. Hope you both had a lovely day. Anyone turning a light on or flushing in my house would be for the chop, tho I know your dh doesn't.

TookTheBook · 26/11/2023 07:49

I think you think some things are normal when they are not, OP. Your DM has mentioned it's not normal to be woken up many times a night. Your DH shouldn't be going to the loo all night - has he seen a GP about that (diabetes? prostate?). And you shouldn't normalise being woken by him for the day at 4am! Maybe your DMs honesty will lead to an improvement in all your lives - if you listen

YourNameGoesHere · 26/11/2023 07:50

TookTheBook · 26/11/2023 07:49

I think you think some things are normal when they are not, OP. Your DM has mentioned it's not normal to be woken up many times a night. Your DH shouldn't be going to the loo all night - has he seen a GP about that (diabetes? prostate?). And you shouldn't normalise being woken by him for the day at 4am! Maybe your DMs honesty will lead to an improvement in all your lives - if you listen

Indeed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread