when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

Don't ask the question if you don't want to know the answer.

Same goes for the "how are you?" question. People expect 'fine' or 'fair to middling' or some such crap. Dh has taken to asking if they really want to know or are just being polite.

Sounds you have a good relationship with your mum whereas things sound they might not be so well between OP and hers.

God OP I feel your pain, for MIL it is a competitive sport, it drives me absolutely mad. I DO NOT CARE therefore I don't ask the question unfortunately I get told anyway....

Yes I don't see how in one breath you can say you complain but then you also say you don't complain.

I suspect given you've categorically painted yourself as a people pleaser that you don't actually complain at all.

What have I just read?

Your mum didn't complain, she made a factual statement to answer the question.

You seem very strung up about it. She'd probably be wrong whatever she does.

“I never complain”
”how would you feel? ashamed,?
it doesnt take much just to be a peacekeeper”
”people pleaser”

This all sounds very unhealthy OP

Your own mother? I'd expect her to be truthful and if you were my daughter I'd expect you to be asking because you cared. So next time you'll now know to not turn the light on!

Wow you come across as very combative OP

demanding other people don’t inconvenience you and that it’s their duty to keep the peace

are you always so easily angered?

your reply to her could have been a simple “a I’m sort to hear that, shall I make us an extra strong coffee” and that would be that

I’m NT (I think!) and neither did I. In fact (unless you’re American where “How are you?” has elided into “war-ya” and kind of means the same as hello) I think if you ask someone “how are you?” you should at least be prepared for an honest-ish reply.

I don’t really understand fake niceties.

I don’t understand why people ask questions they don’t want to know the answer to.

This is really unhealthy.
So many women feel obliged to be people pleasers, they put everyone else's happiness above their own and make themselves miserable. They then resent and punish others for not doing the same, which is what you are doing to your mum.
It is fake, superficial and doesn't actually result in the harmony you seek.

This reminds me of my DPs.

When I phone them up I always ask how they are. Generally there is some minor ache or niggle that they want to mention, but on the rare occasion that there isn't, they will respond "Good - as far as we know", suggesting some malignant issue is lurking under the surface.

Maybe the question to ask going forward is "Was there anything we could change to help you sleep better?"

Presumably your mum is post menopause, at which point sleep gets a whole lot worse for many women. I might be a similar age, sleep far more lightly than I used to and am disturbed much more easily, particularly in an unfamiliar bed. If someone I was close to asked me how I’d slept, I would tell them, briefly, not in a spirit of whining but just because it’s factual information that they asked for. But then my DDs already know this and wouldn’t take it as an insult if I told them.

I can’t stand passive aggressive nonsense like this. My mum does the same. Why not just say “Do you think you could be a bit quieter when you go to the loo in the night just as it woke me up last night?”

This.

I have family stay regularly (about 6 diff people from both sides). I always ask how they've slept - some say fine, some say I was woken by this that or the other.

None of it bothers me in the slightest because I was genuinely curious as to how they slept, not just looking asking to fill a void in conversation.

YABU and don't sound like a great host. What was your response? Just wondering if it meets "correct response " criteria

interesting that so many people think

a - dont ask
b - dont take offence at an honest answer
c - dont be a people pleaser
d - i am horrible

It’s not polite to ask a question then judge the person for answering, because it’s not the exact answer you wanted.

Thats quite rude.

I used to lie about sleeping well when staying at my Mum's until it got too much and I told her it was the most uncomfortable sofa bed in the world, that we didn't get any sleep in it and that it was really affecting my back. We bought her a good quality blow up bed - now sleeping over is a joy and my brother (who often stays over) iis very grateful.

Why is it interesting? Surely the fact that the vast majority of posters think those things should be a large clue that they're accurate?

How very dare you! Look what your honesty resulted in! Really, the nerve!😁

But apart from D, they're just true.

And you're not horrible, you're just wrong. You need to just reflect on why you ask the question. The point of asking a guest if they slept well, is so that you can address any problems. I want my guests to be happy and comfortable. If there's a problem with light shining through the curtains, or they could do with another pillow, I want to know.

I would say

Dont ask if you don’t want an honest answer especially from someone as close as your mum. It’s creating an obligation for someone else that you made up yourself.

If you do ask, don’t take offence at an honest answer

Be less of a people pleaser

You are horrible. Just seem to be under the impression you must be a people pleaser and so should your mother.

Did you put lights on when you got up at 4am?

no @SusanKennedyshouldLTB