when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

I don't even think it's proper etiquette. Very few people agree with the OP it's a polite meaningless greeting. We already have polite phrases for greeting people, like good morning, we don't need to make conversation more confusing and less meaningful by turning questions into greetings.

OPs response is actually quite rude. Proper etiquette to a house guest includes seeing to their comfort and looking after them. Thats one of the duties of a host. Getting pissed off and blaming them for your foul mood certainly isn't polite or proper etiquette.

You seem to want an oddly formal relationship with your mum. I'd expect a "polite" answer from an acquaintance. From family or close friends I expect to hear the truth! Wouldn't want it any other way!

She’s your mother, if she can’t be honest with you then who can?

Your Mum should be able to say what she wants to surely? Also to prepare you for the fact she may be tired later and to be understanding about it? X

Why ask the question if you don’t want the answer?

If someone, especially someone I am close to, asks me a question like this, I will answer honestly!

goodness me it's about charm and manners and making the other person feel good. You ask the question to show you care (even if you don't) and you answer it positively to please your host who has gone to a lot of trouble (even if you didn't sleep well because you are in strange place etc). I'm always shocked by people's rudeness when they answer such a polite question with factual negativity.

and I have never had to be more charming than to my adult children because they are so sensitive. just say..it was lovely thanks.

Maybe they are so sensitive because they where raised to think you hide your true feelings to people please!

I dont understand why people bother taking the time to ask questions they don't want real answers to. But I'm likely autistic. So maybe that's why I dont get it!

To the daft people who wanted to know why you asked: it’s a normal morning question!
But why does it matter if your DM complained? Why can’t you just ignore and move on? What is the big deal?

Lying in ANY situation what soever. Is totally unacceptable and always unnecessary.

because it made me feel bad on behalf of dh, i explained that it felt like a dig at us
anyway, this thread goes on and on and round and round .
it is all water under the bridge

I've got to the bit about you thinking she is just having a dig at you and I think you sound thoroughly unpleasant. Why ask if you don't want to know? If I ask someone how they are, it's because I care. How bizarre to pretend you care and then get annoyed because they believed you.

You asked a question n you di dnt want an answer to. When answer was given, you were offended AND accused DM of lying about the light.

You have deep rooted mum on issues and the orblem is, you're so unaware or in active denial.

That’s what I mean - if it’s a dig, so what? Don’t let it get to you. My DM was like this for years and I felt much better when I decided to ignore her crappy comments.

thank you @Ilovecleaning
it was before 7 in the morning , the conversation, so not the best time for anyone, but thanks i will ignore, count to ten,

I tend to give an honest answer to a question about how I am/how I slept etc unless I'm talking to a stranger. Interestingly (to me at least) I saw a TikTok recently about this very subject. The poster has ADHD and says that answering honestly ito this type of question is a trait often seen in neurodivergent people.

Or just people who don’t lie? I don’t get why you wouldn’t just tell the truth.

🌺

'Fine thanks, you?' It's similar to 'how do you do?', designed to oil the wheels, a social nicety. A factual answer is not expected.

Is this the kind of relationship you have with your mother? If my mum didn't sleep well at my house she'd tell me. And if it was something I could change, like asking someone not to put the bathroom light on, I would for future visits. Same if I stay at hers.

I might be less honest elsewhere, just depends on my relationship with that person.

I always answer these questions honestly. I think it drives people mad.

People pleasers tend to have very low self esteem OP and poor boundaries. They also tend to take things far more to heart than necessary, and hold onto that hurt a lot longer than is reasonable. They also can feel a lot of guilt even for things that aren't even their fault or anything to do with them. Being a people pleaser is not the good thing that you somehow think it is.

Your OH going to the toilet all night would do my fucking head in, it's not normal. But I wouldn't hold it against you as it's absolutely nothing to do with you and I wouldn't hold it against him, except to suggest he needs to see a doctor.

I would expect a 'very well thanks' from someone I hardly knew who felt they had to be polite as they had been hosted for free, but to expect it from your own mother is a bit strange.

It isn’t really, not for most people, I would have thought. When I ask my mum if she had a decent night’s sleep I don’t expect a rote “fine thanks” answer, and if I had a crappy night I’ll say so too.

It’s not a polite question if you require her to lie and get narked when she doesn’t, and explains why she didn’t have a good sleep.