when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

I no longer have a mother so you can forget that one thank you

To which there is apparently only one acceptable answer?
WTAF is the point of asking?

ah OK you are one of "them" thanks for letting me know!

She doesn’t want to moan about it though does she? She just answered YOUR question.

And what is all this nonsense about your DH spending the whole weekend feeling bad about it? This is classic DARVO! Suddenly he’s the one who is the victim.

All this “I accept my punishment, I am bad” is more dysfunction. is just you taking it to extremes. No one is saying that you are a terrible person. We are just answering the question YOU put on a chat forum.

It seems you are not good at taking criticism.

OP, your attitude to the asking of the question and the answer expected makes you passive-aggressive and not at all nice. Frankly I can't stand people like you with your fake questions, and huffs when someone mistakenly thinks you might care, but luckily no-one I'm actually related to is like this. Without further information we can't even tell if your mother was complaining, she could have just been politely giving you some facts so you would know she wasn't feeling tip top that morning.

YABVU.

“Them” what?

oh well @ThePeachIsSoUnusual
i dont think i huffed, i was chastised though then and now thanks a lot

@everythingthelighttouches
what is classic DARVO ?
why the acronmyn
shouid i know?

When you ask how did someone sleep it’s a rhetorical question asked out of politeness. To be equally polite and courteous just say you slept well. Ffs it’s not hard. Who wants to listen to a load of fucking nitpicking and moaning

That sounds equally nicely. Being too afraid to answer a question honestly to your own daughter because it's nitpicking and moaning. Having to be uptight with your own family is no way to live and the mum was hardly moaning either.

It depends, if it has made her feel a bit worse for wear you would probably be questioning why later in the day. I'm terrible on broken sleep.

I've had bouts of insomnia in the past - not sure what you do for work but I've found managing the stress in my life helps greatly. I couldn't manage early morning starts but now work part time afternoons and this seems to be the best routine for me. Another option is work from home maybe or choose your own hours. Same goes for appointments/meets - I reserve them for afternoons when I'm not working.

This comes over as simplistic and controlling. Idk if you appreciate this op. Not everyone thinks the same way as you. The only person’s behaviour you can control is your own.

I genuinely want to know how someone slept when they stay over. In fact, I'd be irritated if they lied. I want to be able to improve the problem. Mattress too hard? Great I'll get a topper. Too cold? I'll get thicker duvet. Our bathroom door makes a nose when you open it - if that bothered someone I'd get it fixed. I want people to enjoy sleeping over so I have a vested interest.

Yes she was

I'd say fine to someone I wasn't close to. If it was close family, I'd expect to be able to tell the truth. Why should your mum say things are fine when they're not fine?

@User0000009 yes that is how you answer if you slept well. Or if you are being polite because they are a stranger or someone you do not want to upset or if you can’t be bothered to talk about it.

However if you are close enough to someone or want to share how you are feeling - then you have the right to answer honestly. You can be honest without being rude.

And for a self-described "people pleaser" she is surprisingly forthright.

I don't think anonymous venting is contrary to being a people pleaser.
Op took the criticism she was given on the chin.

I think the most interesting bit is that you feel her reply puts a tension in the day ahead which you've got to get through together...

That same conversation between me and my mum would cause no tension, just a 'sorry to hear that, shall we call at a pharmacy for ear plugs before tonight?' or a chat about the perils of nighttime bladder relief...

So the fact that your Q was only polite not real, and you wanted a space filler polite answer, as anything else makes for a tough day, I think suggests your relationship isn't a relaxed and heathy one. If that's true, the usual social mores and etiquette might be a bit more loaded and delicate and perhaps a different strategy to keep things on an even keel is needed.
If she is a tricky character, stick to stuff that isn't ambiguous and rhetorical questions are not in that category.

I think this is just a difference in communication expectations.

You were asking for the sake of politeness/ social nicety. You expected her to understand that and to respond accordingly with "fine".

She on the other hand thought that you were genuinely concerned about how she slept. She took the question literally and told you.

Neither approach is "wrong". They are just different.

Clearly there's some history here. Usually life goes more smoothly if you start from the assumption that your own mother is well disposed to you, so I presume things have happened in the past to demonstrate that this is not the case.

just don’t ask

there’s no point asking a question if you don’t want to know the answer

It’s useful info anyway - you can give people the option of earplugs next time

I really don't think it is polite to ask people how they slept/how they are as a greeting when the only acceptable response is fine thanks. It is utterly pointless. Just say good morning if you don't give a shit how they slept or how they are.

Maybe your mum decided to mention it so that next time she comes it is understandable that she stays in a hotel, as the normal night time noises in a family home disrupt her too much or maybe she was hoping you could find a solution for her.

This is exactly why I don't like having overnight guests or being one myself.

What's the point of asking if the answer will always be "fine" even if it isn't true? I'm glad my family doesn't insist on proper etiquette and formality at all times, it sounds genuinely exhausting.

Also, if my DP was waking me up and I ended up awake at 4.30am on a weekend due to it, I wouldn't be writing it off as one of those things! I couldn't be a martyr to the detriment of a decent sleep on a regular basis.

Yes OP, your mum was being grumpy and probably making a point. People do get less tolerant as they age and are far more inclined to tell it like it is. As I say, this is doubly so with someone close to them. If she lives on her own (widowed for example) she's even more likely to be that way. You'll be like it yourself one day.