when asked how did you sleep, the correct answer is Fine thank you

[Crumpetdisappointment]

my dm stayed with me as were went away for the night to see dd

up early the day of departure, how did you sleep i asked, i had made her a hot water bottle
her answer was she kept being woken by someone going to the bathroom and the light making a noise

i thought that was the wrong answer and sets us off on a bad foot, just lie surely?
obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night but he doesnt put the light on, nor does he flush
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH but I never complain

would you have lied in this situation or is it fair enough to complain?

This sort of nonsense infuriates me. If you don’t want someone to give you a proper answer, don’t ask the question. If you’re not actually interested in whether someone slept well, or how they are, then don’t waste everyone’s time and words by fake asking them.

So that's what you say

How'd you sleep?
Shit, someone kept waking me up putting the light on and going to the loo
Oh sorry it disturbed you, I'll remind DH not to put the light on when he goes.

Not omg my mother is a total cow, look how she tries to shame us for bodily functions. I shall never ask her how she is again. Bitch.

Totally this.

Quite funny also that she's asked MN our opinion and she doesn't like most people's responses either!

Also, honestly answering a question you’ve been asked isn’t ‘complaining’. You need to reframe this interaction in your head.

@cmaalofshit I have also had that! ‘I’m not asking, I’m telling’. Right, well don’t frame it like a bloody question then! 🙄

Op, doesn’t sound you have a good relationship with your mum.

Disturbed sleep ahead of a long journey isn’t nice for anyone and anyone can sympathise with that.

And you would have known that she was likely to be disturbed
by your husband’s activities.

To think she she should have shut up because she is in your house is unreasonable.

And you would have known that she was likely to be disturbed
by your husband’s activities.

i didnt because im not disturbed myself

You are though. He wakes you up constantly by the sounds of it but he doesn't know that because you don't tell him.

🤷🏽‍♀️

You should be more considerate of guests, especially if they're coming to do to a favour

I didn't because im not disturbed myself

Of course you are. You know he uses the toilet multiple times every night, gets up to make toast and read, and you also admit you wake up early because of his actions.

obviously that someone may well have been dh who does use the loo at night
i came downstairs at 4.00 am myself due to early waking , possibly caused by DH

@YourNameGoesHere - was just about to say that.

Just having a dig would be complaining about the sheets/mattress or something similar, she must have actually been woken up several times or how would she know about your husband's bathroom habits? You might want to tell him to get a prostate check btw.

True ☹️

I think if it was a stranger or someone you didn’t know well, you might have a point. A bit like the old fashioned “how do you do?”, “how do you do?”.

But with your Mum she can give an honest answer - obviously complaining if people have gone too the loo is a bit silly, I’d accompany something like that with “oh but don’t mind me, I’m such a light sleeper these days,” so as you knew you weren’t expected to change what you were doing.

But I don’t think you can ask and not expect them to say if they didn’t sleep well - my ex was like that - would be on you to say you feel fine first thing in the morning, when he knew I wouldn’t as I did all the night feeds!

Surely the answer depends on who you are speaking with? So if you are in a hotel and meet a colleague for breakfast then the answer is "fine thanks, and you?" If it's a member of your family or someone close then you give an honest answer. If your own mum can't be honest with you then who can?

You seem to have a very formal relationship with your mother. At no point would I have considered myself to be my mother's "host" nor she ours and I would have been upset if she had ever felt the need to lie to me, even on a point as trivial as this.

I think we can form a picture of your relationship with her by your word choice - ‘its a polite question to a guest’ and ‘don't start off complaining about the people you stayed with’.

So you really expected her response to be similar to that of someone who was not very close to you.

I ask when I care to know.

So it can't be "exactly this".

Why don’t people like honest answers? I agree with anyone that says do not ask if you don’t want to hear what will come out of the persons mouth. It breeds for very superficial conversations.

I feel the exact same with the question “how are you” - I’m usually quite honest and love to see who can handle honesty and have a convo v who never cared in the first place.

If it offended you then maybe that is something to work on internally, but you could just agree “Oh you must be a light sleeper - DH was just going up to use the toilet” or something. It sounds like everyone heard him so she isn’t over exaggerating (however I can understand if you and your mum are not close, it can feel like she is having a dig).

Im such a heavy sleeper! So my personal experience might be very different. Also you might be used to DH waking up in the middle of the night and others may not.

Years ago I had a friend stay over (last minute emergency), we only had an airbed and it deflated during the night. I’m glad she was honest when I asked her how her night went, then I could get a new one or avoid air beds and have other options for guests. It didn’t affect our relationship at all.

A - Yabu, as per pp, you asked she was honest.

B- if thw bathroom is by the spare room perhaps dh should use downstairs loo when you have guests and he is getting up several times in the night to avoid disturbing and possibly try and be quieter when doing so.

C - having to wee in the night a lot is something your dh should get checked out- the broken sleep itself is not good for him and I would want to check out poss causes eg prostate.- in the meantime he should limit drinks before bed perhaps.

This. I suffer from dreadful, persistent insomnia - it's been 45 years of this. It's debilitating and has permanently affected my mental health.

If a family member asks me - I'm going to answer honestly. If I'm in a hotel and some feature affected my comfort - I shall tell them (otherwise, I'd do the "fine, thanks" because total strangers don't want or need to hear about it).

I can't help but wonder whether the only acceptable answer to "how are you" is "fine thanks" in your mind, OP.

If you don't want to know the honest answer, don't ask the question.

It’s called common courtesy and etiquette.

so the answer is someone kept putting the light on in the night but I am Not tired but i just want to moan about it
and we are going to spend the whole weekend together with one person feeling bad for their wrong doing, for putting the light on

i did say to her i dont think we put the light on, because i dont think we do,
me however i came downstairs and used the loo so perhaps it was me that woke her!

thanks for the circular discussion, i accept my punishment, I am bad, DH is Badder still
funnily enough, she rung me just now, and the VERY first question she asked was How did you Sleep , ha ha,
and NO before anyone asks, she doesnt use MN, or the internet

you would expect "etiquette" from your mum/family member?

I was asked by a friend how I slept and I said not very well as I'm in a strange bed, to which she said "we won't take it personally".

I said the same to a relative but didn't say (because I didn't want to sound like I was whinging) that their baby (I was in his room and his brother was in with their parents) woke me up.

I did say to my parents that no I hadn't slept well and had been woken by their dogs...they just laughed! I now refuse to sleep in the same room as their dog. (they had 3 at the time; only one now)