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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

282 replies

haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 14:48

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

OP posts:
Laiste · 25/11/2023 14:50

It's not worth the agro. Just unwrap it and say thanks and then re-gift it.

Cherrysoup · 25/11/2023 14:51

Presumably she knows you have eczema and was told a brand yet bought something else? Thoughtless. I’d charity shop it as it isn’t an expensive gift.

OhNoOhNo · 25/11/2023 14:51

YANBU. I would just leave it but get her something that she can’t use either. A Dove gift set shows zero thought unless you know the person loves Dove stuff.

If DH buys the presents leave him to it.

Monkeymonkeymoo · 25/11/2023 14:53

It’s not an expensive gift and it sounds like you already know she’s thoughtless when it comes to you. I’d avoid the row and just say thank you. Food banks are often looking for toiletries so just donate it.

rookiemere · 25/11/2023 14:53

The message was for your DH so I would let him handle it.
If you do get given the gift on Christmas day, I'd say something like "Oh it's so kind of you to think of me MIL, but unfortunately I get a rash with Dove. It's such a lovely set, can you find someone else to give it to ?"

Normally I'd suggest just sucking it up, but as you will be getting gifts for many more years then it's better in this instance not to do that.

Laiste · 25/11/2023 14:53

For the first few years DH and i were together MIL would buy me Baylis and Harding gift sets.

DH knew full well i didn't use them, but it was easier and politer for me to just say thanks and then pass them along after xmas.

Now we've been married 10 years i get Clarins

Nexttimewillprobablybethesame · 25/11/2023 14:54

It's a token gift, you are an adult, graciously thank mil for the gift, regift at a later date or donate to the local food bank.
No need to even mention it to DH, it's such a trivial issue, and certainly nothing to get your knickers in a twist about.

AnnaMagnani · 25/11/2023 14:54

I have ezcema and so 99.9% of all toiletry gifts are wrong for me. Plus anything scented eg candles sets off my asthma.

I smile, say thank-you, and take to the charity shop as soon as they have left.

JadeVS72 · 25/11/2023 14:54

I would ask DH to let her know you have sensitive skin. If it was my DM/MIL they would prefer to gift something that would be appreciated and it's good to know for future. My SIL has sensitive skin so we are always careful and only get brands she has asked for, not an issue!

SwingTheMonkey · 25/11/2023 14:55

Just accept, say thank you and re gift it or donate it to charity/foodbank.

Wolvesart · 25/11/2023 14:56

Just regift it. I’m not allergic, but Dove is ho hum everyday type stuff which I would not think suitable for a gift unless anyone specifically asked for it.

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 14:56

Just tell him to tell her (or tell her yourself) so she can return it or give it to someone else.
There's a difference between just not liking a gift and being allergic or intolerant to it.
You have a medical issue that means you can't use that product.
Just tell her ..... people need to stop being "polite" all the time about products they literally can't use.

Laiste · 25/11/2023 14:56

I guess at some time during next year you could get into a convo with her about your skin and tell her you used to be able to use Dove or whatever but lately it upsets your skin. Tell her what you use and cross your fingers she'll remember. Or care.

Nexttimewillprobablybethesame · 25/11/2023 14:57

I'd be inclined to do the opposite. Set the standard, gift an item mil would love.

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 14:57

@Laiste why next year? That conversation needs to happen now.

AhBiscuits · 25/11/2023 14:58

It's a £5 toiletries set, say thanks and charity shop it.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 25/11/2023 14:58

Just say thank you, smile sweetly, and donate it to the charity shop.

don’t do what PP said and purposely by her something she won’t like, that’s petty and a waste of money. I’d leave it to your husband to buy her present. She’s his mother, let him deal with it.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 25/11/2023 14:59

Save it. Re gift it back to her next year.
saves you bother of finding something she would like
and maybe she can gift back to you the following year…
the gift that keeps giving.🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 14:59

Ok I think the general concensus is to just accept it then donate it. I know its a trivial issue I just overthink these things! I thought well ill just tell him, but then I thought maybe thats rude... so I asked for opinions on here.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 25/11/2023 14:59

I would accept it with thanks and then give it to a charity shop or food bank. Maybe she thought that Dove was ok for sensitive skin which was prone to eczema? It's what my Mum's carers used for her skin when she had outbreaks.

Backagain23 · 25/11/2023 14:59

Sounds like it's a "fuck you" type of gift.
Well played, MIL.
Just donate and forget.

mummyh2016 · 25/11/2023 15:00

If she doesn't like you anyway telling her is not going to go down well. You're perfectly entitled to tell her (or get DH to tell her) but I'd pick your battles. I've been with DH for 16 years and MIL always buys the worst presents (not just me so it's not personal). It's got to a point where I look forward to seeing what crap she's got me!

tokesqueen · 25/11/2023 15:01

Say nothing and buy her the same.

StaunchMomma · 25/11/2023 15:02

Yeah, just say thanks then give it to someone else.

It's not worth the agro.

BreadBag · 25/11/2023 15:02

rookiemere · 25/11/2023 14:53

The message was for your DH so I would let him handle it.
If you do get given the gift on Christmas day, I'd say something like "Oh it's so kind of you to think of me MIL, but unfortunately I get a rash with Dove. It's such a lovely set, can you find someone else to give it to ?"

Normally I'd suggest just sucking it up, but as you will be getting gifts for many more years then it's better in this instance not to do that.

I think that would be quite rude.
If you receive a gift you don't like you accept to graciously, say thank you and regift or charity shop it.
Then drop hints about the type of thing you do like in that price bracket at another point.