To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

[haribosmarties]

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

the price of them id just leave it and keep it in the cupboard to regift to someone

just say thank for MiL and forget about it. Next year ask for sweets or wine/gin/whatever and she won't get it wrong or a Boots voucher.

Hard to buy yourself nice stuff when u have kids lol... even if you have the money you know all these gift sets will be reduced in the sales after Christmas anyway.. so you do feel like 'whats the point of this when I could be using the money for something the kids want etc' but then of course as an adult no one really gets you what you like anymore so it can be a bit sad sat there on Christmas day watching everyone open really thoughtful gifts they love whilst you sit there with some token thing.
I mean my DH tries his best but men don't really get it.. well some do but they are few and far between.
I'm going to try and start up gift giving between my female friends again see who's into it! (I'm aware some wouldnt be as it would just be an extra burden and we all have adult lives now) Maybe some of them would like to open something someone really thought about on Christmas day.

Yes, that's the way to go. Your mother-in-law bought it in good faith, probably thinks Dove is nice (I quite like it), and she won't know you've given it away, she doesn't go in the bathroom with you.

Just regift it —to mil—

@Mrsjayy I did ask for Costa vouchers one year and did get one and had a nice hot chocolate with it. And that was amongst my most liked Christmas presents however apparently she grumbled alot to my DH about vouchers not being proper Christmas presents... you cant win lmao!

What a load of angst over nothing. Just say thank you and then put it in a charity collection.

just keep asking for vouchers it doesn't matter if she grumbles.

I'd have DH text MIL back that you have eczema and that brand is no good. She did ask.

I know most people say suck it up and be polite but people tend to stick to what (they think) you like year after year so I’d be wary that graciously accepting the Dove will give you years of Dove to receive in future. As mil asked DH if it would be ok I would ask him to reply: “Actually I’m afraid not, that’s one of the things that makes her eczema flare up.” Thus saving you from the awkward situation.

@Mrsjayy yes I will do so next year. Can't go wrong. And thats why vouchers were invented

In over 10 years I’ve only ever been given 1 gift from the in-laws I liked, a joint Amazon voucher with DH. Usually it’s toiletries I don’t like or use, every year they get regifted. No big deal. One year I was lucky and managed to take a set DH was given back to M&S and got half the price of it refunded, we spent the refund on a nice breakfast in the cafe.

Family members ALWAYS get me soaps etc and I'm allergic to them all.

I've never pulled them up on the gifts - just give them to other people, and mention my eczema/skin sensibility in the vain hope they'll remember 😂

I think just keep quiet

Homeless shelters and food banks glad of toiletries

Say thank you and donate to a Beauty Bank OP and perhaps for next year go shopping with MIL and show her what products you actually do like and why and then she could do the same ....

Here is the link :

www.beautybanks.org.uk

They have 'Drop Off' bins in Superdrug and various other places too.

Sorted!

Juliette

Just accept it with a smile a put it in the charity box, you sound very ungrateful no wonder your MIL doesn’t like you.
Is it really worth upsetting someone over such a trivial problem, if that’s all you have to complain about today you’re very lucky.

Massively overthinking. Accept whatever gift you get with thanks. Donate to charity or regift if not needed.

I'm a volunteer for a sort of foodbank we got a lot if unwanted toiletries last January and people take them so just passing them on is a great idea.

No OP isn't. It's not hard to consider the re intent when you give a present. MIL may have bought deliberately even.

I think a lot of people assume Dove is suitable for sensitive skin (remember the adds from years ago for dove soap being acid free 🤣). Every year I get gifted similar and strangely can only use radox shower gel, everything else brings up my eczema. I would just smile and say ‘thank you’ then give it to the school raffle at Easter.

It's not that deep. Just tell your DH to tell her it's not one you can use, or smile and accept it.

It's every day household soap shit, not a £5000 diamond necklace.

It isn't ungrateful at all. Especially as MIL has outright asked DH if it's ok.

I wouldn't be upset, I'd want to know if a gift wasn't suitable.

I am aware I overthink things massively. I wouldnt have been worrying if I hadn't seen that message. But then I wasnt sure what to do. I'm autistic and I know I can sometimes misunderstand social situations. I know sometimes people ask questions they do not really want the real answer to and they get offended. Im generally worried about offending people. For example I can pick up that MIL is cold towards me but it stresses me out wondering what it is I'm doing or not doing to provoke that. I know many people wouldn't have second guessed themselves and just spoken up when they saw that text message but I find the situation very confusing which is why I came to ask for other peoples opinions.
And the thing is other peoples opinions seem to be very mixed! And yet often quite assertive in claiming they are the correct way to act.
Believe me I understand it shouldn't be playing on my mind but it does because im aware I have to be extra careful not to offend anyone

But if DH has said it’s okay why start making a mountain out of it , just get over it, it a £5 gift set, hardly a world changing event is it.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Oh I don't know, my initial thought was accept graciously with thanks and regift but then you risk MIL mentally noting that '@haribosmarties likes Dove' and it becoming her 'thing' to buy you.

My friend got into a situation like that with her ex PIL - she dresses quite alternatively/hippyish but is actually pretty fussy and likes well cut, nice quality stuff, nothing too outlandish. The first Xmas they spent together PIL got her a frankly hideous rainbow chunky knit hooded cardigan thing with pompoms and a tie dye t-shirt. They'd clearly put some thought in so she thanked the PIL profusely and shoved the offending items to the back of the wardrobe. She then had nearly a decade of being bought similarly OTT hippy stuff, presumably all from the same shop, as those first gifts appeared to go down so well 🤣

In your position I'd get DH to let his DM know that Dove is no good for your skin tbh. I'm sure she can give it to somebody else if she can't return it and it's not an expensive gift.