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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

282 replies

haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 14:48

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 15:03

@AhBiscuits but that's ridiculous. It just means a constant cycle of her buying something useless to the OP and the OP having to go out her way to pass it on.
Waste of the mil's money, waste of the OPs time....
All such a waste when all it needs is one sentence "MIL.... hubby mentioned you've bought me some Dove products but I can't use them with my eczema"

Original poster
haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:03

@Nexttimewillprobablybethesame I used to do that. Did a big box which included what they had specifically asked for but also stuff I thought they might like.
My DH told me it made them stressed and they weren't that type of people. He said he'd tried to do that with them when he was younger and got bad reactions with his gifts being called strange. So he advised he'd sort their gifts from now on and just get them the exact things they asked for. I do my mums gifts and she likes indulgent surprises so is the exact opposite. I've done her a big parcel. I also do my aunt the same.

OP posts:
OhNoOhNo · 25/11/2023 15:05

haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:03

@Nexttimewillprobablybethesame I used to do that. Did a big box which included what they had specifically asked for but also stuff I thought they might like.
My DH told me it made them stressed and they weren't that type of people. He said he'd tried to do that with them when he was younger and got bad reactions with his gifts being called strange. So he advised he'd sort their gifts from now on and just get them the exact things they asked for. I do my mums gifts and she likes indulgent surprises so is the exact opposite. I've done her a big parcel. I also do my aunt the same.

So why can’t DH tell his mum exactly what you want?

Sounds like DH is part of the problem here, OP.

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 15:06

@haribosmarties if you personally don't want to speak to your mil about this and your husband is too useless to do it - borrow his phone and send a text message "from him" saying you can't use Dove Products and she had better swap it for something else.

Brefugee · 25/11/2023 15:06

I'd tell DH to tell her now. In your MILs shoes I'd have asked again before buying something. The waste of money would annoy me

Original poster
haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:07

@OhNoOhNo to be fair he woukd if I brought it up. But he's a man to whom all womens toiletries are the same thing so it probably didn't enter his head that it would be an issue

OP posts:
OhNoOhNo · 25/11/2023 15:08

haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:07

@OhNoOhNo to be fair he woukd if I brought it up. But he's a man to whom all womens toiletries are the same thing so it probably didn't enter his head that it would be an issue

But he should ask you.

Don’t let him off the hook. ask him what MIL is getting you and tell him you don’t want it. Ask for something of the same value as MIL is getting.

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 15:08

@haribosmarties so your husband doesn't even know what causes your eczema either?
Why haven't you told him?

Badgrief · 25/11/2023 15:10

In future, write down the brand you would like in a message your DH can forward to his mum. If she bothered to ask him for advice it doesn't seem likely she is trying to be malicious and probably thought Dove would be good for sensitive skin. This year, say thank you and regift later.

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 15:10

@haribosmarties perhaps you need to bring in a No Toiletries Ever gift policy.

Gnomegnomegnome · 25/11/2023 15:11

She said what she got and asked if it would be okay. Surely he could just say ‘@haribosmarties had eczema so probably not’.

Laiste · 25/11/2023 15:11

Needmorelego · 25/11/2023 14:57

@Laiste why next year? That conversation needs to happen now.

Only because it sounds like she's already bought it.

But yeah, if OP can wriggle the info. into a convo asap it would do the trick.

BalletBob · 25/11/2023 15:11

Just smile, say thanks and either regift or give to a charity raffle ASAP.

If you make a big deal out of it then you're going to cause offence and damage the relationship. Some people wouldn't mind the honesty and would rather know for the future, but I'm not sure she sounds like that kind of person.

It's just really not that big of a deal or worth spending time worrying about.

CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 15:12

She probably bought Dove because it's marketed as a gentle, skin friendly brand.

The obvious solution is to ask your DH to reply saying "oh, sorry Mum- that's no good for Haribo. These are the ones that work for her." Then she can give the Doce to someone else.
Sorted.

Original poster
haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:12

@Needmorelego why would I tell him? Its not severe. He doesnt wash me lol. I buy my own products usually. I just liked the look of these Christmas gift sets I saw that were made up of a brand of product that doesnt usually trigger my eczema. So when asked what gift id like from the ILs I thought of those because they are cheap and easy to find.
I think now I was a bit silly to suggest toiletries at all because I should have thought about this scenario happening.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 25/11/2023 15:12

tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.

I would do that. My DH would quite happily reply to his mum saying, ‘Mum, DW only wears Y because just about anything else aggravates her eczema’.

Laiste · 25/11/2023 15:12

Appleofmyeye2023 · 25/11/2023 14:59

Save it. Re gift it back to her next year.
saves you bother of finding something she would like
and maybe she can gift back to you the following year…
the gift that keeps giving.🤷🏼‍♀️

I would love to have the balls to do this 😂

CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 15:14

Why are so many people trying to make this into something horrible?

Original poster
haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 15:15

@CurlewKate yeah I should have avoided asking for toiletries at all tbh.. its never what you think it will be that effects eczema and its different for every person. Its funny that for me I have a really bad reaction to E45 products which market themselves as being designed for people with eczema!!

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 25/11/2023 15:16

Your husband should know by now that not all toiletries are suitable dow you so if he doesn't text back saying that he doesn't think you can use it, then he's the problem not her.

You've said you and her aren't close so obviously she's not going to be spending a lot of time selecting something very for you but at least she has wanted to get you something.

As your husband appears to be useless I would contact her and ask her what she would like and then word the conversation that you're asking her because you get stuff that is unsuitable from colleagues (a white lie) so that you can introduce to her that some brands or ingredients would not be suitable for you.

She doesn't want to waste her money and it would be nice for you to receive something join like.

ohdamnitjanet · 25/11/2023 15:20

OhNoOhNo · 25/11/2023 14:51

YANBU. I would just leave it but get her something that she can’t use either. A Dove gift set shows zero thought unless you know the person loves Dove stuff.

If DH buys the presents leave him to it.

Edited

Yup!

Ejismyf · 25/11/2023 15:21

I'd keep it and gift her it back next year 🤣

theduchessofspork · 25/11/2023 15:22

Just say how lovely and donate it to beauty banks

LakieLady · 25/11/2023 15:22

I've got a cupboard in my bathroom full of unused stuff that irritates my skin, so I totally get how you feel, OP. I can't even take it to the food bank, as it was opened and used, which is how I know it's no good for my skin.

If I get any more this year, I'll take it straight there. Even the Molton Brown!

Chowtime · 25/11/2023 15:24

Just smile and say thanks and chuck it straight in the bin. Or if you can be bothered to wait, take it to the charity shop