To tell DH that MIL has got me a Christmas present i will have to get rid of?

[haribosmarties]

Or does that seem ungrateful? Its only a low cost item. Should I just pretend to like it?
DH told me the ILs were asking about gifts for us so I told him a brand of toiletries I like of which you can buy various gift sets between a tenner and twenty quid.
I borrowed DH phone whilst we were out and as I was using it a txt message came in from MIL saying she had forgotten what he'd said and just bought a Dove body set for me and would that be ok?
I handed back the phone to my DH without mentioning seeing the message.
Issue is I have eczema and altho its not severe it does flair up with random things.. Dove shower cream, soap and body wash are amongst those things. Ive tried using them before.

So now I dont know whether just to pretend to like the gift when I open it or to tell my DH that I saw the text and its not suitable.
I know these seems like a petty issue but my relationship with MIL has never been great... I mean we've never actively fallen out... but basically she doesnt like me anyway I can tell, and we have very little to do with each other.. I get the sense she thinks I'm high maintenance.. saying something about this gift might add to that.
My DH won't have any advice, he'd probably just tell her to change the gift because interpersonal dynamics go over his head quite often unless people are actively shouting at each other. He also hasnt mentioned the text to me which makes me think he's just replied 'that's fine' and forgotten about it

YANBU= just tell your husband to answer the text saying its not ok and she should change it for something else

YABU = dont say anything. It doesnt really matter, just give it away to someone.

Yes I know I probably should have said something as soon as I saw the text but I just didn't. I struggle with being thought of as difficult so my first response to anything like that is to freeze and then think about it carefully.

Personally, I would mention in passing to MIL IF it comes up naturally, that you hope what dH told her was okay, as you can only use certain brands of smellies because of your eczema, specifically the body shop ones, then it leaves the ball in her court as to whether she wants to change it or not, if she doesn’t then just say thank you and gift it on. I would try and put it out there though at some point because if they think you like it they’ll buy it forever because it’s ‘safe’.

@JaneAustensHeroine what is it????

Definitely accept with thanks and give to the charity shop.

It's not about the soap. It's about OPs relationship with her mil and she's worried about making it worse.
Because when relationships get a bit tense it can be hard not to worry about things that seem quite small on the surface.

Just accept, and then give it to a charity, a charity that wants toiletries for those who can't buy their own would be glad of it I'm sure. I really don't understand people to approach gift buying in this way. All this waste in unwanted presents. Just get something you KNOW a person will like, or don't get anything at all. All this gift giving out of obligation, exchanging random crap, I just don't get why people still do it.

This. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

The only unreasonable thing is your need to write such a long post. It's not worth the headspace.

If it was high value make a fuss. But for a Dove set? Regift and suck it up. Not worth the agro.

Are you allergic to lanolin? I don't have eczema, but I do have a lanolin allergy and so can't use E45. It was a disaster on poor DS' nappy rash too.

Sorry I can't help re MIL though.

I would just leave it and say thanks and re gift. It is careless though.

I get you though op, most people I am close to know I can use barely little on my skin but still buy gift sets I can’t use. I think people buy them for the sake of buying sometimes and people assume Dove is good for eczema prone skin but like you say, not the case a lot of the time.

Take it to your local supermarket they are all collecting for the homeless.

So sorry, I've got psoriasis and had to donate many an unsuitable toiletry item from my late MIL.

@newtlover They buy me a Cadbury selection pack when I can’t eat chocolate. I’m 45 years old. Not 5.

OP does your MIL actually know that you have eczema?

Even if she does, Dove is marketed as gentle and she may think that it would be fine for you to use? If she asked your DH and he said yes it’s fine then it’s not really her fault is it??

It’s a bit odd to ask for toiletries if you have skin issues?

When she gives it to you just smile and say thanks and let your DH use it? Then ask for something easier next year….

@sollenwir It’s tempting! They laugh about it like it’s cute and funny. It’s not. At best it’s a waste of money. At worst it’s thoughtless and ignorant.

I don't get the impression that OP dislikes her mother in law because mil gets her bad gifts. I get the feeling that it's the other way, that the mil expresses her disdain for the OP by getting her thoughtless gifts (among other ways) See the difference?

I’ve been given a Dove gift set. An older lady encouraged my children to buy it. The children know about my allergies and asked her to check. It was not OK for me, so I gently told the children I couldn’t use it and why. I didn’t want to be in the situation to receive it year after year due to a misunderstanding.

what do you do? Ask DH to explain why it’s unsuitable. If he doesn’t just leave it behind when you leave MIL’s.

Outrageously rude to just not say thank you. But then my in-laws don’t buy me anything for Birthday or Christmas 🤣 They give us family cash at Christmas so we can buy something we want. I also don’t get my in-laws anything except a small token gift off my kids at Christmas…saves so much aggro! But if my MIL was rude about something I sent it would be the last thing I ever sent. I have severe eczema but was raised to just say thank you. If you have eczema it’s so much easier to just let people know and avoid all toiletry gifts, I don’t understand why you didn’t go that approach but then again I can only use eczema products and so the other thing you suggested would be terrible for me too.

Agree with pretty much all other posters. Say thanks and then donate it or re gift it. Can't really believe there is any other response being considered TBH.

Why can't he just message his mum?
"Mum, haribosmarties would love that, but it's going to set her eczema off, any chance you could swap it for xxxx as that's not going to cause any reaction to her skin"

Why can’t your DH reply to the text and say, oh no sorry Dove brings her out in a rash.

If someone asks me what to get someone

And I tell them.

Then they get something else instead

And ask me if that will be ok

And it won't

Then I would tell them the truth.

I've been out for a couple and hours and there's over a 100 new comments and I still can't believe adults can't seem to communicate with each other and be honest with each other.
Why is is so hard to just tell MIL the truth?
All this "smile and be polite" is just daft.
Open your mouths people.

I'm also astonished at all this pretending and lying.

Just tell the truth.

If your DH hasn’t replied to the message yet and MIL asked if Dove would be OK, I would ask FH to reply, no I think Dove sets off her eczema, she uses Body Shop. If she asked if it was OK, I don’t know why he wouldn’t reply honestly.

(If he has replied saying it’s OK, I’d leave it)

Haven’t RTFT but from the OP’s posts it appears I’m going against the grain…

It would make sense to tell the MIL if this was an expensive body set maybe but for a flipping dove set of deodorant and shower gel going for £5, from a relative you don't really get on with? Pfft yeah couldn't be bothered

Thanks MIL, I'll try it out. Donate to food bank.